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Legend of the Crystal Coconut

INKA DINKA DOO SAYS THE TIME HAS COME.

In your home, which currently guards the legendary artifact, the crystal coconut, your little buddy Diddy looks at it quite admiringly.

"Hey, I can see my reflection!" Laughing in amusement, he howls and makes a few funny faces into it.

You, looking into a nearby fridge, ask the nearby Cranky Kong, "got any banana cream pie?"

"When are you two knuckleheads gonna let me get some sleep?!" Cranky, quite disturbed, asks in turn.

"Just as soon as I get a little midnight snack!" You begin, before continuing...

>A. Future rulers need their strength, you know!
>B. How about he not fucking judge
>C. Write-in response

>>46400375
>A. Future rulers need their strength, you know!

>>46400375
>A. Future rulers need their strength, you know!

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>>46400385
>>46400507
"Future rulers need their strength, you know!" You tell off the former big gorilla.

Diddy continues to amuse himself with the crystal coconut, making more funny noises.

Cranky snaps at him, "ya silly chimp, get away from there!" Banging his walking stick against the floor, he continues, "it's not a toy."

"Yow!" Diddy shouts out, the crystal coconut becoming sealed in a globe and pinching his finger.

"That'll teach ya," Cranky callously says.

Moments later, however, the globe reopens, and Diddy grins as his pain subsides. "Hey! It doesn't hurt anymore! The crystal coconut took my pain away!"

>A. Ask what else the crystal coconut can do
>B. Admire your own reflection in the crystal coconut
>C. Write-in response

>>46400615
>A

>>46400615
>A. Ask what else the crystal coconut can do

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>>46400655
>>46400782
"Hey Cranky," you ask, approaching him and Diddy with a swagger, "what else can the crystal coconut do?"

"I don't know," Cranky responds, still sounding somewhat bitter. "No one knows all the mysteries the magical orb holds." Shaking his fist, he adds, "it's a mystery why I'm still talking to you two! Now let's get some sleep!"

"Can't sleep without a bedtime story," Diddy sasses back. "Oh, tell us the one about the legend of the crystal coconut again!"

"Your stories ALWAYS make us tired," you add on.

"Ugh, alright..." Cranky says, then shouting and waving his stick, "but then you're outta here! Gone! Scat! Vamoose!"

After looking at each other a moment, you and Diddy speak in unison, pointing your fingers forward. "Deal!"

"It all began with Kaptain Skurvy's great-great-great grandpappy!" Cranky begins. "He stole the coconut, brought it to the island, blah blah blah, savvy etcetera ectetera," he quickly goes onto abridge the tale heavily, "he hid it in the eye of Inka Dinka, Coconut falls out, blah blah blah, DK found it, yadda yadda yadda, deemed future ruler of Kongo Bongo, the end!" He grins after finishing his quick version.

>A. Why did Inka Dinka Doo pick you?
>B. Wait, you already knew all this!
>C. Write-in response

>>46400880
A

>>46400259
OP slams a lot of bananas

>>46400880
>C. Write-in response
FUCK OFF, OLD MAN.

>>46401020
Change my vote to this

>>46400880
>>A. Why did Inka Dinka Doo pick you?

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>>46401020
>>46401027
"Fuck off, old man!" You exclaim in your oddly med-high-pitched voice for a gorilla.

Sadly, Cranky starts, "it beats the bananas outta-" Then he shakes his head. "Donkey, what're you doing, going off-script like that?!"

Concernedly, Diddy asks, "uh, hey, Donkey, you alright, buddy?"

"I'm just tired of this!" You shout. "We asked for a damn story! Secrets, Cranky!"

Cranky decides to just skip a few lines ahead, in an attempt to get the story back on the rails. "Go home, and let me get some sleep!"

Diddy uncomfortably asks as you walk out of the house, "hey, do you think Cranky brushes his teeth before or after he takes them out?"

>A. Seems like there's a lot you don't know
>B. Maybe if he wasn't so unhelpful!
>C. Write-in response

>>46401112
>C. Write-in response
Who gives a shit?

>>46401112
>C surely there's *someone* who knows more about the crystal.

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>>46401143
>>46401345
"Maan, who gives a shit?" You react, still in a bit of a foul mood. "Cranky won't tell us shit, I don't give a fuck about his teeth!"

"Don't sweat it, DK," Diddy says, clearly still trying not to let this veer too far off the rails. "You'll find out when you're as old as Cranky!"

"Why can't I know everything right now?!" You ask, more hostile than the script entails, dragging Diddy along to the temple of Inka Dinka Doo. After all, an idea came to you. Surely SOMEONE, a very particular someone in particular, must know more about the crystal.

"Uh, maybe we shouldn't bother him," Diddy attempts to persuade you, "it's late."

"Shut your whore mouth, Diddy," you say, officially more foul-mouthed than intended. "I am the future ruler, and I want the answers now!" Approaching the statue of your god, you continue, "hey, Inka! Ring a ding-ding! It's me, DK! The future ruler of Kongo Bongo! We got business, asshole."

His giant face thing rotates, and Diddy, cautiously, says, "oh, you did it now, DK. He's gonna blow!"

"Inka Dinka Doo says..." the idol's voice booms from all around you. "The time has come!"

>A. Break into song
>B. Don't do that
>C. Write-in response

>>46401463
>A. Break into song
This one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0itOCgJtNVU

>>46401463
B- Definitely don't do that.

Back on the rails a lil please.

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>>46401523
It's April Fools Day, faggot.

>>46401523
It's a musical show. There's a song interlude right at that point in the episode.

>>46401552
>>46401565
Not for me it's not. Git on my future timezone level.

I haven't even played DK.

>>46401463

C: "so has ur mum, lel"

Rolled 2 (1d2)

>>46401503
>>46401523
Either way, ironically enough, this isn't quite on the rails.

Rolled 3 (1d3)

>>46401503
>>46401523
>>46401708
Whoop, sorry, that posted right seconds before my roll. It's only fair that I roll again.

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>>46401708
"So has your mum, hah!" You howl, Diddy snickering despite himself.

"S-stop it, DK, you'll get him mad..."

"Like I would care about getting him mad!" You say. "I'm already the future king!"

From there, riding your hubris, you spit forth a boastful epic about your proud heritage, instead of the coordinated song about asking for his advice.

Inka Dinka Doo seems speechless at first.

"I really think you made him mad..." Diddy says, also a bit bewildered.

Then, his voice booms once more, "TO KNOW EVERYTHING... YOU MUST GIVE UP EVERYTHING."

What could he possibly mean for you to let go?

>A. The crystal coconut!
>B. Assorted ape-themed memorabilia
>C. Write-in response

>>46401962
>C. Write-in response
Your Virginity

>>46401962

C: THIS SWIRLING STORM INSIDE

>>46402000
This.

Bend over and accept your gift

>>46401962
C- I give up Diddy

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>>46402000
>>46402104
"Give up everything..." You snap your fingers in realization. "That's it!"

"What's it, DK?" Diddy asks, not liking that tone of voice...

"I was wonderin' why I wasn't just king from the getgo when I got this coconut... But I gotta bust a nut, too! My own nut!"

"Peanuts?" Diddy asks. "I mean, I've got a peanut popgun in my stuff somewhere..."

"No, Diddy! I gotta let the swirling storm inside my loins go!" You say. "I gotta lose my virginity!"

"W-wait, what?!" Diddy says. "I don't think that's right... But, uh, I'm not helping you out there, buddy! You're on your own for this one!"

As if Diddy's your type.

>A. Use the Crystal Coconut to pay Kremlings for sexual favors
>B. Seek out Candy Kong
>C. Attempt to seduce Inka Dinka Doo
>D. Write-in response

>>46402262
B: seek out candy

Time to be Aaron Carter

>>46402310
Candy Kong
>>46402262

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>>46402310
>>46402403
Yes, your beloved girlfriend, Candy Kong. She's the ideal person to lose your virginity with!

"I don't swing that way, Diddy, don't worry!" You reassure him. "Just... Where's Candy Kong at?"

"Candy?" Diddy asks, shaking his head. "She's not here today, no."

"What do ya mean 'not here?'" You ask.

"She's not in this episode, DK! She didn't come on for it at all!"

"Not in this... What're you talking about?" You ask. "Where is she, then?"

"If I had to guess..." Diddy says, "probably at her music shop. She's just opened up a new one in the Mushroom Kingdom..."

"The mushroom kingdom?" You complain. "But that's so far away!"

"Yeah, she commutes pretty far for episodes she's in! You've got a good catch, DK!"

That's pretty inconvenient...

>A. Use the Crystal Coconut to pay Kremlings for sexual favors
>B. Try to catch a boat off of the island
>C. Write-in response

>>46402652
C- I guess Diddy will have to do..

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>>46402850
"Darn, I can't go all the way there!" You exclaim, sighing. "Guess you'll just have to do, Diddy..."

"W-wait, are you serious?" Diddy asks.

"I need answers!" You say back, "and for that to work, I need to get laid!"

"Yeah, but we're not like that!" Diddy says, backing away towards the temple's entrance.

"Diddy," you say, "we need answers and that old fuck won't tell us anything!"

Thinking, staying a distance away from you, Diddy taps his chin. "You sure we're not just misreading the hint? Maybe the 'everything' you give up isn't your virginity... But the Crystal Coconut!"

>A. He has a point
>B. That's fucking stupid
>C. Write-in response

>>46403021

C: That's REALLY fucking stupid. But fine, I'll give him the damn coconut.

>>46403151
You're a cunt Diddy but it's worth a shot
>>46403021

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>>46403151
>>46403292
"That's an awful idea, and you're a stupid cunt for suggesting it, but if I'm not gonna get my dick wet, I guess it's the only way." You grumble. "Besides, I'll know all the secrets when I give it away, so I won't need it anymore!"

"Who're you gonna give it to?" Diddy asks.

"Who else?" You answer, quite cryptically.

Wandering awhile with Diddy, you retrieve the Crystal Coconut. Soon after, you seek out a pair of kremlings, wandering about and undoubtedly scheming as to how to steal it. These are not just any kremlings, however, but Krusha and General Klump, the two highest-ranking in K. Rool's Krew!

"Uh, what did you want?" Krusha asks.

Holding out the coconut, you respond, "I just wanted to give you guys a little somethin'!"

"Wait, is that..." General Klump blinks. "You're just... Handin' that to us?!"

>A. Yep, he have it!
>B. There is SOMETHING they could do for it...
>C. Write-in response

>>46403345
B- Swear fealty to me.

>>46403345

A: did I fucking stutter?

Rolled 1 (1d2)

>>46403596
>>46403530

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>>46403596
"Did I fucking stutter?" You ask, impatiently. "Take the goddamn coconut."

"Er..." General Klump blinks, swiping it out of your hands and grinning a crocodile's grin. "A victory for the Kremlings, this is!"

After "giving up everything," as Inka said it, you return to Inka Dinka Doo's temple.

"Inka," you say, cheerily, "future ruler here! I did exactly as you said! So," you point to him, "start doling out them secrets!"

In a VERY unhappy, impatient tone, Inka responds, "to KNOW everything, one must GIVE UP. EVERYTHING."

"Uh oh," Diddy says, shaking his head, "I think ya goofed, DK. And when Cranky finds out..."

>A. the fuck can Cranky do
>B. This was Diddy's shitty idea!
>C. Write-in response

>>46403746
C: Fuck this episode, I'm going to the metal DK one, be a cyborg and shit

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>>46403805
"Fuck this noise!" You say.

"Uh, DK, what're you talking about?" Diddy asks, concernedly.

You decide, in this moment, that this episode is a piece of shit, and that you will have no part in it.

Calling upon the might of Inka Dinka Doo, you travel ahead to the late second season episode The Big Switch-a-Roo, in the hopes of being a cool robot. To your surprise, you arrive as a metal head on sight!

The QM not having seen this particular episode of Donkey Kong Country, things from this point onwards must be entirely winged.

"Oh, sweet! Now THIS is what I was talking about!"

What's the first thing you do as you stand in the middle of the jungle, enjoying somehow being in a robot's body?

>A. Make barrels
>B. Find some bananas
>C. Rampage
>D. Find the Crystal Coconut
>E. Write-in response

>>46404050
Find some bananas, THEN rampage, purge the fragile flesh bags

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>>46404246
You scour the island for bananas. The process takes hours upon days, ultimately proving, no pun intended, fruitless.

The lack of bananas on the island you are set to rule tells you of a horrible truth: in your skipping the latter third and first three quarters of the first and second seasons of the series, leaving the Crystal Coconut very deliberately in the kremlings' hands...

Someone stole your banana hoard! Jesus fucking Christ, why the hell did someone steal your goddamn banana hoard? Those shitty reptiles don't even eat bananas!

You find yourself on a rampage in your rage, punching the shit out of the many kannons and kremlings you find.

Your rampage is interrupted by a kremling in a funny hat, calling out, "avast ye!"

A pirate! A thieving thug sea dog who sails the seven seas looking for booty to loot!

>A. Where's your banana hoard?!
>B. Just beat the shit out of him
>C. Write-in response

>>46404409
Vote time renewed. It sure is strange that as promising a new quest as this one is seeing so little attention all of a sudden. It's Friday evening!

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>>46404819
Alright, then, let's just end this off.

You, in your metal head form, discover from Kaptain Skurvy that Kongo Bongo is now known as Robot Pirate Island, as only robots and pirates are able to set foot on it. The banana hoard fell into the hands of an interloper by the name of Dr. Ivo Robotnik, whose robotic army was able to equal the pirates in power even after they swiped the Crystal Coconut from the Kremlings.

You set off immediately to recover your beloved banana hoard, in the process smashing your way to the lair of the evil scientist.

Once there, you seduce the doctor, losing your robotic virginity in exchange for your massive banana hoard.

Inka Dinka Doo's approval rings through the island, and you are officially made the king of Robot Pirate Island, virginity having been given up.

It came as quite a shock for you to discover that, in your time away from what was once Kongo Bongo, you were cucked by BLUSTER of all Kongs, but being an awesome robot and having the greatest banana hoard of all time alleviates your pain, and you rule over Robot Pirate Island with a literal iron fist for all eternity.
>The End
Well, KongQuest konkluded much faster than expected. Guess we'll just need to get back to Silver Scales on usual schedule!

Thanks to all the anons whose write-ins caught me off-guard. You made this April Fools' Gag as much as, if not more than, I did.