>>12423626

I think you should roleplay not supporting his sex addiction

ale and whores

its all about the ale and whores

>>12423626
THATGUY

>>12423642

This.

If his character buys whores, kill his character. Have him come back as a Pali or Cleric or Monk (anything lawful or good). No more in game whores.

>>12423626
>HE SPENT THE MONEY ON MORE WHORES.

Fuck you guys, I thought that was hilarious.

>>12423626

That player should be commended.

>>12423626
Lesson learned: Next time just buy him a +3 weapon.

Honestly if he really is doing that as RP then obviously his character can't be trusted with cash.

>>12423647
The barbarian in our party did that for me.

He cut off his dick.

Great work there, sap.

>>12423677
Not sure if justice was served.

>>12423649
What if your character is not motivated by ale and whores?

don't know if it was in sláine or conan (rpgs) that you had to spend a % of your money on ale and whores.

>>12423695
THEN HE'S A MINMAXING MUNCHKIN FFAAAAGGGOOTTT

i dont care if this is true or not... its fucking awesome

>>12423677

>>12423693
No. SERVING justice would have involved cooking his dick into a delicious cock stew and serving it to him.

Give a man a coin, and he'll have his cock sucked that day.

Teach a man to suck cock, and he'll have coin all the rest of his life.

>>12423695
Then either they're Scrooge McDuck, or they're a eunuch.

>>12423704
Could prefer mead over ale, or not care for whores cause they're a non-bisexual woman, or gay.

quick!
to the 4chan archive!

>>12423626

Have him get spectacularly wasted. He confuses an enchanter with a prostitute, who decides to take a little creative payback.

He wakes up with a +3 "Weapon".

Make him have to take Weapon Finesse to use it properly.

tl;dr Magic Dick lol it's tiny

Wealth-By-Level assumes that cash has been spent on useful items and consumables. A character should not be punished for spending gold on things that aren't useful.

Just have the GM give him an STD.

>>12423788
If he bought 500 hookers, yes, yes he should.

I wish I had a player like that. I would make him a campaign that would center around the patronage of an extremely prestigious brothel.

>>12423777

Wait no, better idea.

Make it so the enchanter gives him a vorpal dick, but dont tell him. Then next time he sleeps with a prostitute, have him roll a dice. If it gets a 19 or 20, WHOOPS dead hooker.

>>12423811

You shut your mouth, prude.

Man, if you have to pay people to sleep with you in D&D, you're doing it wrong. The wenches should be throwing themselves on you, and possibly paying you for the privilege.

I play a lot of Bards, though, I'll admit, so maybe it's different for people who don't have 293,389 Charisma.

>>12423811
You misunderstand. I'm not saying he shouldn't suffer reasonable repercussions for his carousing.

I'm saying that he has a point when he says it's not right for him to fall behind in useful gear because he carouses.

Give him STDs, have some women come up with kids and insist he's the father, have the BBEG use whores as a way to get him when he's vulnerable, that sort of thing. Just find a way to keep him even with the party's equipment while you're at it.

>>12423788
i would argue that 500 hookers are incredibly useful

>>12423857
There's a marked difference between Bards and adventurers

Adventurers will defeat an army, slay undead, and topple kingdoms
The bard will meanwhile fuck an army, lay undead, and topple princesses

It's simple. Party spends money on upgrading their equipment like the good, murderous adrenaline junkies they are. Other guy spends money on whores. Who is going to be the better equipped killing machine?

>>12423626
what a.. disproportionate person

>>12423626
>>12423920
Lovely, ain't she?

>>12423734
If they're a gay man or a straight woman, then all that means is they'll be paying for male whores instead.

>>12423920
You leave Nami alone

>ITT: OH JOHN RINGO NO

>>12423914
The druid. No matter who's playing him

>>12423660

Cleric of Sune (or insert other love deity here), restriction avoided.

>complaining about not having up-to-date weapons
>spent money on whores
>min-maxing faggots

whatisthisidon'teven

>>12423949

>>12423864

Why would blowing thousand of gold on [random roleplaying] be any different than spending thousands of gold on stuff like masterwork water clocks, wands of Animate Rope, and personal ball-washing henchmen?

Shitty character choice is shitty character choice.

>>12423626

Who's the artist of that image?

>yoritel drawn

Captcha also wants you to tell who it's drawn by.

>>12423971
How so?
I played a naked (well, he had a robe and quarterstaff) non-wildshaping druid and he was the best character (then again, I never took my part of the loot because I didn't feel I needed to buy anything, and donated the 'DM picks magic items for each character" stuff to others.

>>12423626
what you spend your gold on other shit?

In my Fantasy Craft campaign the mage spends all his money on whores and I say that's fine, you get to keep 30% of your earnings to buy gear and stuff because his character being bad with money is a result of his low Prudence stat because it is a good game where the RP is supported by the mechanics.

Whilst no-one was looking, a PC slept with five hundred prostitutes. He fucked 500 prostitutes. That's as many as fifty tens. And that's terrible.

(So is starting a sentence with "and", Lex Luthor)

>>12424015
It helps of course that magic items are totally removed from the cash economy and bought with reputations instead, because nobody should ever have to track gold pieces by the thousand.

>>12423906

True, but if the Bard fucks his way out of all the fights, party still wins.

>>12424029

.... why not?

I keep track of over 9000 cents of money IRL.

>>12424031
Be careful that the party doesn't degrade to "protectors of the Bard's Junk"

One of the people I used to play with saved up his gold and started a brothel named The Paladins Autumn.

....

why exactly do people buy virtual prostitutes in D&D?

>>12424046
Because then you don't need to deform the economy everywhere you go just to be combat-effective for your level.

And it makes epic-level penniless adventurers possible.

>>12424087
Sounds like he was aiming to give Pallys a nice [spoilersdontworkontg]trip[/spoilersdontworkontg]

>>12424105
I actually ran one of your 'epic-level penniless adventurers.'

There were no survivors.

Yay for good roleplay! My current character in one game has a village to support with his adventuring loot, and in the other, he's a holy man tithing to the church AND he'll probably be into the ale and whores soon.

The answer is obvious.

He needs to have a sidequest that takes him away from the party for a while. During this time, he'll get free loot equal to the amount of money he spent.

Incidentally, during the time he is away, the entire party will be involved in a slightly different adventure, involving a portal mishap that links the realm to the Elemental Plane of Whores.

So is this a thread about bards now?

>>12424126
In D&D? Well obviously that wasn't going to work.

>>12423931
That'd have to be one ugly woman, or an orc woman (do they even exist?) to have to pay for men.

>>12424103
Same reason characters in action series don't always fight

>>12424087
>Paladin's Autumn
>Autumn=Fall
>Paladin's Fall

>this thread

>>12424131
The Whore elementals thank the adventurers for their assistance with powerful magic weapons and armor.

Meanwhile, the lone john pawns his new +5 weapons for whoring money.

>>12424105

.....

um... you do realize that having stuff that the common man will NEVER buy is perfectly fine, and that having heroes who are so rich that they don't have to worry about day to day costs is perfectly fine.

and how exactly does D&D without loot work exactly?

>>12424131

>elemental plane of whores

So can i get stats on a Primal Whore Elemental?

How about a Slut Dragon?

>>12424138

because.... stupid stuff happens in general?

.... that's all I can get.

>>12424169
Save yourself a lot of trouble and just give us a Whore template

Continuing with bard dump

>>12424169
>Slut Dragon

With all the half-dragons out there, this is already covered by every dragon out there.

So, that front needs no work whatsoever. Move along. What was that about a whore template?

The solution is simple, OP. In Soviet Greyhawk, whores pay YOU!

Suddenly he has more money than he knows what to do with, can buy his goddamn equipment, and hopefully ya'll can get on with things.

>>12424183
Whores heal stress-type psyche damage proportional to the amount of money you spent.

>>12424201
YES.

>>12424201
Jesus man, no! You're gonna break Ravenloft with those kinds of powers!

>>12424242
YES. YES! DO IT!

The answer to this is easy: the brothels loan gear to their best customer, although they each get to put their mark on it. Dude probably looks like a car at Daytona, except instead of Kelloggs or Exxon it's the finest whorehouses on the continent that put their sponsorship stickers on his codpiece.

>>12424242
RAVENLOFT. WHORE PARTY. FUCK ADAM TO DEATH.

>>12424259
I always liked how the WIZARD is holding her off with no effort whatsoever.

>>12424296

he's actually a muscle mage.

duh.

>>12424296
Spells man

>>12424169
>slut dragon

NOW you're talking my language.

>>12424280
I like this idea.

>>12424296
-4 STR brah.

>this thread

>>12424277
To be honest?

I'd fuck all those females, except for the giant troll.

>Player goes hogwild with the rent-a-lass'es
Ok

>Player complains that his investments haven't matured as well, cares a lot about a small difference in numbers
Hrm

>Everyone else provides a valid reason for why this is
Ok

>"What the hell u guies, why do you only care about numbers?"
Wat

>...But we were nice and somewhat chastised by by his manchildness, so we we gave him some extra gold so he could catch up to the +3 train
That was very nice of you

>HE SPENT THE MONEY ON MORE WHORES
Likeabauss.jpg

I hope it was a +3 whore, though. Otherwise he IS kinda falling behind you guys on the effectiveness scale.

Another way to handle this might be to make it so that all of that gold sunk into whores actually IS a useful investment. Maybe it'd be like buying contacts or something. He literally knows ALL THE WHORES, and is on "preferred costumer" status with almost all the pimps. For the cost of a few gold or a dimebag of the shire's best, he could have an informant network that spans multiple countries.

>>12424280

So whorehouse sponsorships? I think I have my next campaign sorted out!

>>12424331
>a +3 whore

...So, like, a succubus virgin? What does that even mean, man.

THIS THREAD PLEASES ME. Fuck you janitor.

Incoming cowardly ban....

FROM HELLS HEART I STAB AT THEE !!!!!

>>12424296
I always liked the theory that she's in love with him and is just bitter about him putting his penis into everything BUT her.

>>12424351

Isn't that pretty much canon by now?

>>12424351
What are the odds.

>>12424351

..... poor elf lass.

reminds me of macha.

>>12424169
I assume that the local deity is an Avatar of Frank Miller.

>>12424347
Sucubus virgin? WHAT?!?
>>12424339
>whorehouse sponsorships
Stay classy, /tg/

This man obviously thought about the long term. Instead of blowing his cash on +3 equipment for short-term results, he decided to invest his capital in raising an army of sons and daughters who would look for purpose, a cause to fight for in 15 years time. And when they find him, he shall give them a cause - that the circumstances of their lives were a trial to harden their senses and resolve, that they were 'the chosen ones' who could do what he could not. And then it would horribly backfire as the children find each other and discover the bastard father gave them all the same quest, and form an angry hunting party to find and kill the son of a bitch.

>>12424296
Wizard and dwarf. Also, she's a bow archer, 12 Str at best.

>>12424367
He's probably sick of elves. Elves are EASY, mang.

>>12423626

No need to give him anything. It's funny, but spending money on other things than crafting a better killing machine...Is money spent on other things. That's his own problem, honestly.

But still funny.

>>12424347
>...So, like, a succubus virgin?

>>12424396

I don't think that he is in real control of his mass monster sex appeal.

>>12424384
12-4=8 STR.
A babby could hold her off.

>>12423626
>>12423864

So what's the problem? Yes, he's poor because of his sex addiction. He complains no-one role-plays? Bring on the STDs, the bastard children. That one prostitute sliding up to him? Thief. The next one is an assassin. In fact, the entire brothel is a front for a bunch of black widow-ish brigands.

He just handed you an opportunity for great lulz, why haven't you taken advantage of it?

I can not begin to properly convey how much I want to fuck the anime girl in OPs pic.

>>12424201

That ability would only be relevant when using the Sanity optional rule from Unearthed Arcana.

>>12424415
dawwwwwwww

Stormwind Fallacy, fuck yeah!

>>12424410
He gets all but raped by women of all races.
Elves are easy enough to keep off, and he probably only goes for male elves.
No more bastards, see.

>>12424406
A link to more like this please?

>>12424415
joniass dragonraper.jpg

>>12423970
>>12423970
>>12423970
>>12423970

This four times. Actually 8, but I can't be assed.

>adulatory sciler

too accurate.

>>12424381
>And then it would horribly backfire as the favored child tries to kill him to take his place, ushering in an era of pain and terror.

FTFY

>>12424415
Dick Saucer's going to take care of that.

>>12424347
Virgins make fucking TERRIBLE whores. They suck in bed and they cry afterwards because they feel dirty and hate themselves.

>>12424434

http://redlife.deviantart.com/

also drawfags here as a weeaboo shitscribbler who is refered to by some as ribbonfag.

maybe or may not be a girl.

>>12424454
You just gave me a hard-on, fuckhead.

>>12424457
Thanks, I wasn't of the name.

>>12424454
Some guys find the utter destruction of innocence and sanity a turnon

...just saying

>>12424454

What if he gets off on their disgust and self-loathing? Then the fresh virgins are better, because they aren't dead inside yet.

>>12424475
>>12424488

>>12424488
>>12424489

OH GOD THEIR QUIET SOBS MAKE ME SO HARD UNF

>mfw HE SPENT THE MONEY ON MORE WHORES.
>mfw Ale and Whores.
>mfw Elemental Plane of Whores.
>mfw This Whole Goddamned Thread.

Never change, /tg/. Never change.

>>12424488
>>12424489
How mundane...brb, statting up an elf wizard who's into scat. Halfling-on-half-orc scat to be specific.

>>12424523
Like, the whole halfling?

>>12424523

full orcs as the bottom is just nasty.

>>12424489
>>12424504
Guys, seriously, stop. I have family over.

>The answer to this is easy: the brothels loan gear to their best customer, although they each get to put their mark on it. Dude probably looks like a car at Daytona, except instead of Kelloggs or Exxon it's the finest whorehouses on the continent that put their sponsorship stickers on his codpiece.

So Shadowrun?

>>12424523

Loss of purity is mundane and scat, of all things, is way out there? Scat is about as mundane as you can get in a world where dragons regularly knock up devils or mad wizards enforce strict bear/owl orgy breeding programs.

>>12424454
But the succubus would instinctively suppress those reactions. See?

>>12424432
>Stormwind fallacy

Ok I'm pretty sure it's meant to refer to something else, but whenever I hear that term, I keep thinking it's got something to do with the ruler of a city having statues of himself built all across the city.

>>12424548

Hey, your fault for browsing 4chan with young nieces and nephews or whatever running about the place.

BY THE WAY I LIKE IT BEST WHEN THEY JUST LAY FACE-DOWN ON THE PILLOW AND START HYPERVENTILATING THAT'S THE BEST FUCKING THING EVER THEIR SORROW DRIVES ME WILD

>>12423626
this man is a true roleplayer, both IC and OOC
treat him as you would a god

/r/ing a Recettear-type game, except you run a brothel instead of an item shop.

>>12424604

>>12424604
Google sim brothel.

>>12424584
You're thinking of the Stormwind Phallusy.

The king had a small penis and he was compensating.

That was probably Tear's Plan B.

>>12424601
Fuck. FUCK. Fuck you.
I'll be in the bathroom. Asshole.

>>12424604
just need to Mod Recettear so that the items are girls instead. Don't even need to change the dialog
"My wife sent me to pick this up"
Suuuure she did Mr Man

>>12424601
Man, whatever happened to just cuddling?

This thread made me lol and accidentally suck my sharp shard of hard candy down. I just hope it went into my stomach and not a lung.

That said, OP's teammate is doing it wrong. I bought an inn and tavern, took leadership and had it fully staffed and guarded, sent my cohort out as a traveling merchant and I have a concubine who stays in my room at the nearby mercenary keep. The concubine also came with one use of cure light wounds a day and a cat named "Trail Rations".

>>12424636
>mfw "its been in the family for generations"

>>12424663
"I'm picking this up for my brother"

For those interested in saving this fine tale.

>>12424663

"This is a present for my brother!"

"Y'see, the old pension didn't come in. How much d'you think I can get for this?"

"I require this for my experiments."

>>12424505

What about the elemental plane of lust? anyone remember the book that's from?

anyways - http://andersson.elfwood.com/

>>12424680
"My Grandkids have been pestering me to pick this up"

Every whore would be using the item she's replaced

Sailor Suit whores, ho!

>>12424707
>mermaid boots

>and nothing but mermaid boots

... brb, fapping.

This thread makes me want to make a bard and fuck eveyrthing that moves.

You know, Charmles buying up whores makes so much sense

>>12424728
Bard for life here, man. Course, when I was REALLY little (like, nine), my Bard would just do cute things like give the princesses flowers or use his music to make a local girl's kitten come down out of a tree.

Which is what my Bards did when I was older, too, only afterward the maids would fuck him. Awwwww yeeeeeah.

This thread gave me a great character concept!!!

A druid that after living in solitude for years in the forest had a mental break down after realizing he would die having failed his ultimate part of nature in taking part in creating a new generation. Now after returning to civilization he finds that alpha males are the men with lots and lots of shiny metal objects and that mating is done in exchange for some of these shiny metal objects. He now joins the party in hopes of gaining obscene amounts of the shiny metal objects to become the ultimate alpha male and mate as much as possible.

>>12424775
otherwise known as LOVEQUEST

>>12424728
I once made a NE bard whose motivation was to fuck every kind of thing that could be fucked and make babies with it.
He succeeded, because he had a powerful mage for a friend and was human.
Resulting in things like half-aboleths.

>>12423626
>10 gold is expensive prostitute

The economy in my campaign was SERIOUSLY fucked up then because my DM charged a thousand gold for a high-class whore I bought for the vow of silence/vow of poverty cleric who saved our asses in battle.

GodDAMN.

>>12424775
Pshaw, any druid worth his salt's already produced the next generation... of half-dryads.

>>12424825
With Cha as a dumpstat?
Unlikely

>>12424840
He just uses WIS instead. Where INT is knowing what you're doing, and CHA is making other people think you know what you're doing, WIS is figuring it out as you go along. This is probably a useful ability for sex.

Plus male druids probably get an automatic +40 or some shit to any CHA-based rolls against plant-based women.

>>12424840


Dryad's don't need to be wooed into having sex with.

the key is living to tell the tale.

>>12424728
AASIMAR OR HALF CELESTIAL BARD.

SHE LAYS EGGS. (Also, feather pubes)

>>12424811
>half-aboleths
I now know what to demand in the next drawfag thread. Hot half-aboleth chicks...

>>12424604

Whoremaster
http://pinkpetal.co.cc/index.php

>>12424911
?

>>12424897
Not living - ESCAPING.

Treesap dryad sex body horror FTL.

>>12424911

So an angel of the Changer of Ways?

>>12424911
>SHE LAYS EGGS. (Also, feather pubes)
Would she have a nice pair of tits, though?

(Pic related; a nice pair of tits.)

>>12424821

Yeah, a gold piece in D&D is variously calculated as anywhere from $30 to $150. Considering the role economy plays in most games, it's understandable that it wouldn't make much sense.

>>12424971
Except for druids, they get wood and don't afraid of anything.

>HE SPENT THE MONEY ON MORE WHORES.

LMFAO

>>12425033

wrong thread there champ

tl;dr this whole thing has been about whores correct?

>>12424322

Agreed.

I'd especially sleep with the mountain troll. I am very glad to see that Andersson picked up some of Bauers style.

So going to do this with my next character. A somewhat unreliable fighter who spends all his money on booze, whores, trinkets, and bail money.

>>12424264
She's so tsundere for him.

>>12425087
Doing this for my next caster.

There is an inordinate amount of boobies in this thread. This is unnacceptable. I demand you post more so we'll have proper amounts.

>>12423626
Justasplanned.jpg

OP, your sex-addicted player is officially awesome. That is, in fact, how you stay in character~

>>12425154
Fine, you big baby.

>>12425154
Boobies, you say?

>>12425185

That's not how you stay in character!
It's how you stay in Non-Player-Characters.

>>12424504
Alpharius stop with the Tallaran act already, we know you aren't a filthy Rag-head.

>>12425225

>>12425216

I'm just expecting the "I have giant boobies" image to be posted now.

>>12425249
see
>>12425246
You were seconds too late.

>>12424948
http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pic-61066.html

>>12425246
>>12425249

Of course.

>>12424201
This is how whores actually work in Fantasy Craft.

>>12425269
... I am okay with this...

>>12425499
Check out his goblinoids.

But yeah, archive?

I HAVE A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM

Make it so the benefit he gains by spending 5k gold on whores comes back to help him. Brothels in other towns treat him like royalty and are considered Friendly in terms of Diplomacy checks.

Also give him contacts. Not all whores are run-of-the-mill commoners, ESPECIALLY not 10g whores. They tend to have some levels in NPC classes, or more rarely, PC classes. He can keep spending his money in that general direction and gains the benefit of company and contacts. Not every adventurer is known for spending TONS of gold on whores, and that would make him pretty famous.

>>12424911

mister ringo are you refering to this? the name has the full description

In one of the Dragon Magazine articles, the author suggested players not get XP until they spend their treasure on something tangible. Like orgies.

The article was called Orgies, Inc. if you guys want to look it up.

>>12425585
Of course, that could also be an adventuring hook. His exploits precede him and so commoners might actually look up to/look down on him for his actions. Through whoring, he might uncover secrets of other clients (such as royalty or shady characters).

There are also a few classes, usually the ones with plenty of skillpoints such as Rogues, which can be whores. Some PrCs such as Cloaked Dancer also cater to that sense.

If he gets too entrenched in his whoring and stops focusing on 'the important stuff' then it may come back to bite him when a rival/villain sends an assassin to work at a brothel where he goes.

This actually opens up a lot of roleplaying opportunities.

>>12425589
Remember the thing about Mr. Ringo's protagonists is they collect whores like cats.

>>12425708
All of them or just that Kildar guy? I thought it was just Kildar.

But yep, Kildar is like a crazy cat lady only he's got 15 year old eastern european hookers instead of cats.

>>12425756
>>12425708

Yeah, >>12423943 already covered this.

>>12425807
Sad thing. Kildar is the perfect vidya premise. Like Sengoku Rance meets Jagged Alliance 2.

moar bard pictures!

I've long favored - and used - an old houserule from the 1e days.

See, players got XP back in the day from getting treasure, but that leads to dragonish PCs with vast hoards and no reason to adventure.

Instead, I give pcs XP for gold they >spend<. It keeps them poor, happy, and adventuring. And since you can't buy magic items, your PC would be far out ahead in humor value, not to mention plot hook generation and have the same or greater XP as your others.

>>12425818

Fund it.

>Watches other threads getting deleted for having chicks in the equivalent of bikinis
>This thread full of Naked Fantasy Furries
>Mod confirmed for fucking furry.

>>12425924
oh, forgot my image macro

>>12425924
Anthro porn isn't porn because anthros don't exist. It's science, man.

>>12425269
I see Raji updated. Too bad he's still focusing on those fatass bugbears, rather than that goblin girl and the super-hot tomboy hobgoblin.

>>12425924
Chitin is not fur, so I guess so.

>>12425924

well, my featherfag daemonette pic got deleted.

>>12426005
Then, by following >>12425956's logic, daemons DO exist? And the mods know about it?!?!

TO ARMS, CHILDREN OF THE EMPEROR, THE DAWN OF BATTLE IS UPON US!

>This entire thread.
>My face regarding /tg/ these days.

>>12426017

GOOD THING WE HAVE COMISSARS TO FOLLOW

Convince the guy to take your system's equivalent of 'Leadership'. Suddenly, army of whores.

>>12426078
Thank the Emperor for the commissars, indeed.

I don't see a problem here. I've dedicated a third of the hold of our refitted Sword class in RT for my private quarters. They include a wardrobe so big it has a personal monorail, a harem, a brewery, a distillery and a bath house stylized on roman Therms.

I've spent on ale and whores more than some worlds will produce in a century. I regret nothing.

In the adventuring trade, death comes quickly and sometimes without warning, so I sympathize with his wish to live as much as possible during the short time he has.

Besides, I'd say that spending money on stuff OTHER than your adventuring gear is the reasonable thing to do. I assume that most characters pick up adventuring in order to become rich and/or famous.. what's the point of being rich if you still live like a fucking peasant, sleeping in inns and never take a sip of the finer things in life?

>>12428452
This makes me wish that the Rogue Trader in my game wasn't an ex-Battlefleet officer. Nowhere near debauched enough.

>>12428485
>Implying that splattering the brains of creatures that could destroys armies of normal men isn't one of the finer things in life.

>>12426067
Pshaw. Nothing warranting deletion here, silly bugger.

Warranting encouragement, perhaps, but not deletion. Prostitution, ho!

>>12427707
>>Convince the guy to take your system's equivalent of 'Leadership'. Suddenly, army of whores.

>Relevant story time. The tale of 50 Copper, and Luda'drizz't.

Well, it all began about two months ago. Our DM's been flip-flopping of late, constantly telling us to create new characters because he can't decide on his campaign setting. This was the ninth time that we'd been asked to make new characters in six weeks.

He'd told us, for D&D, that we would be playing a very GRIMDARK game this time around. So, me and my good friend decided: What was more GRIMDARK than Gangsta Warfare?

The game started out well - we weren't questioned for the use of two bards in the party. We'd been having trouble with healing, and we'd both taken all the "Ranged" bard abilities. Ones that could be used with Hand Crossbows.

So, our DM rolls out his newest baby - let me say, for the promises of GRIMDARK, it was pretty fucking lame - which turns out to be political intrigue. Which, for Ludi'drizz't and 50 Copper was perfect. We had taken very good care so far not to mention our character names, as we knew doing so would result in us being told to reroll before the game got too far underway. It was all going to be a matter of setup, and springing the perfect Akbar.

>>12428916
As every good troll character knows, the best way to prevent your shitty DM kicking you out of the game is to become integral to the plot. So, we were quite fortunate that the DM decided to introduce the most horrible DMPC I have ever seen. Elvish, female, she got nearly ten minutes of physical description. And Christ, did the DM make sure to let us know she was stacked. Seriously, it was creepy as fuck. So we made friends with this DM PC. Told her passionately how the white surface elf was keeping the Drow down. DM bought the story hook, line and sinker, and, at the first break of the night, told us he was coming up with a plot hook just for Ludi'drizz't and 50 Copper. Asked us what their names were too, but we just replied that it was part of their backstory.

It started out small. Asking little things, like if there was any place in town where we could buy heavy gold jewelery. Diamond ear studs. If we could get a bonus to Intimidate if we held our hand-crossbows sideways. So on. Things quickly got worse.

Our next plan of action was obviously to get hoes. We figured, with our DM being the creepy little fuck he is, that this would be the easiest part. We weren't *wrong*, as per say, but it wasn't what we'd been expecting.

>>12428922
Ludi'drizz't and 50 Copper visited the red light district. I had initially picked up the dice to make Streetwise to find such a place, but the GM told me this wouldn't be necessary. Should've seen the warning bells then and there. Turns out, since our first session six weeks ago, the GM had a description of such a place ready and waiting to go. There were hookers of all sorts. Ogre, centaur, gnome, you name it, it was probably there.

As we'd been cunning and planned ahead by writing Fine Clothing and Hand Crossbows into our backstory, we were on our initial 100 gold quota for level one characters. So, we asked the GM how many we could hire for 100 gold each. The reply was "About ten. Maybe more if you perform well."

He meant perform in the sexual sense, judging from the skin-crawling tone of voice. However, telling bards to "Perform" in any sense is always a poor choice of words.

>mfw this thread

/tg/ is back!

>>12428929
>Ludi'drizz't and 50 Copper
Oh man, I love this story.

>>12428929
So, we perform. 50 Copper starts to perform a stunning bard retake of "In Da Club". You can see the understanding and horror dawning on the DM's face, the other players struggling to keep straight faces. The true blow, didn't come, however, until a few moments after In Thou Club. It came around to my turn.

I figured, given all that we'd gone through, it was only appropriate to find the most ill-suited song for the setting. The one I had decided to save for any attack I could make with "Push" ability.

For the next two or so minutes, in all my skinny white glory, I did a Ye Olde Musical version of one of the most popular Ludi'drizz't epics.

"Move, Bitch," I began, "Get out the way."

The players broke into laughter. Something between horror and "oh god what" had settled on the DM's face. I made the next two minutes the most awkward of both our nerdy lives.

>>12428942
Finally, the "song", comes to a halt, and my good companion, 50 Copper, loudly announces: "Aight. We 50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't. We own you now."

This seemed to jerk the DM out of his stupor. He must've still been in a state of shock, as lightning hadn't killed our characters where they stood.

"Roll for it," he croaked, warming to the idea. I guess he thought no matter what we rolled, it wouldn't be enough. "Roll for it!" he declared again, seeming much more confident.

Now, we were pretty sure what would happen if we botched this roll. We were almost certain that the shining careers of 50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't would end at the hands of a pack of enraged hookers. So, with a sigh, I let 50 Copper do the honors of rolling the dice.

...

Natural.

Fucking.

Twenty.

So here we are, having just swayed an army of whores to our dark wishes. We'd broken our DM's spirit. We really thought our characters would be long blasted by now. Well, 50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't looked at each other. They knew what had to be done.

Adjusting their overlarge fur jackets, they took their army straight back to the DMPC.

>>12428947
We finally arrive. The moment of truth. The palace of the Mary-Sue who we had befriended earlier, the poor, misguided princess who we'd convinced that Drow were just fightan' the man. With our virtual army of prostitutes. Unsurprisingly, the town guard was out in force.

"Fuck thou police," 50 Copper said, earning a snicker from myself. Heedless, we decided, with two level one Drow bards, to charge forward, backed only by a swarm of dedicated hookers. The outcome, as you can guess, was fairly predictable.

The guards turned out to be about level twenty each, and there were roughly a dozen of them. Ludi'drizz't fell first, being taken to one HP above his negative bloodied in a single blow. Swathes of our loyal hoes were cut down with single blows. 50 Copper dived into the fray, his Heal skill getting me back up on six HP. Next round, he was killed in a single blow.

Now, the DM had a smug, shit-eating grin on his face. Like it was some great triumph, what he'd done. The rest of the players stared venom at him as the Princess (who, it turned out, actually hated Drow and had been toying with us from the get-go), arrived to ask if Ludi'drizz't had any last words.

Ludi'drizz't stared back at her, hand crossbow held gangsta-style as I picked up my dice. I rolled to hit, knowing only one number could help me here.

>>12428956
And I got it. 20.

I need to interrupt the story here momentarily. Our DM is not really that creative, but he did go the extra mile to allow us a tad more fun instead of just "You deal max damage!"

He bought the Paizo Critical Hit deck, where you draw a card, and get various effects, ranging from Hit Yourself to Instakill.

Sadly, I did not draw the Instakill Card. I drew something even better.

>>12428962
There was not a sound at the table as I drew, though. We all waited with baited breath to see what would be turned up. Slowly, hands shaking, I drew. Careful not to let anyone see.

Then I burst into laughter, the DM giving me a sour look and demanding to know what the result was.

The card I drew was "An Eyepatch For You!" - Permanent facial disfigurement as your ranged attack strikes them in the eye, making them half blind. The expression on the DM's face was priceless - despite the fact we were rerolling week after week, this stupid elf bitch had been a recurring character.

And I had just (as the card said) "permanently" disfigured her. I could see our DM slowly turning red with either anger or humiliation - possibly a combination of the two - as he reached for his dice. I told him I would be delaying a Free Action, triggered when the next blow was struck. He nodded, accepting this fact, then rolled.

My free action was speaking. As the princess struck the killing blow, Ludi'drizz't cried out:

"I'll be back to record a mix tape...next...year!"

And then he died.

So ends the saga of 50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't. They will forever live on in our hearts. Though, there are whispers...whispers of two new Bards that walk the countryside, fightan' for pimps and hoes.

The Chronicles of Snoop Drow and Jay-D.

>>12428967

>>12428967

magnificent

>>12428916
>>12428922
>>12428929
>>12428942
>>12428947
>>12428956
>>12428962
>>12428967
That DM needs all the humiliation he can get.

>>12428967

You did well this day.

>>12423626

Guy's consistent, gotta give him that.

>>12425828
>I've long favored - and used - an old houserule from the 1e days.
>See, players got XP back in the day from getting treasure, but that leads to dragonish PCs with vast hoards and no reason to adventure.
>Instead, I give pcs XP for gold they >spend<. It keeps them poor, happy, and adventuring. And since you can't buy magic items, your PC would be far out ahead in humor value, not to mention plot hook generation and have the same or greater XP as your others.

That's an excellent rule.

>>12428935
We were never gone. The win was inside us the whole time.

>>12428452

>A wardrobe so big it has a personal monorail

Christ and I just fitted out our Murder class cruiser with some drop pods and a barracks.

I hope we've all learned a lesson today.

>>12428967
As epic as I remember.

I shared this story with my friends over a year ago, and it was what finally made us get together and start playing pen and paper RPGs.

Fuck thou police is a common utterance between us.

>>12429050
That's why you'll spend your life bombarding savages and that other guy will get all the ladies. And men. And whatever else he pleases. You can never tell what kinks those Traders might have.

>>12423626
Sounds perfectly valid to me. If he wants to waste his money on sluts, its his choice. Though his complaining is retarded on his part.

>>12423654
That guy is nothing like this. Unless this is player-motivated, in that he's metagaming the party/DM won't let him fall behind so much that he can't contribute.

>>12423626
That is hilarious. Now you know not to give him money!

>>12429095
Do you still have the same shitty GM?

>>12429050
A murder? I'm quite interested how you got your hands on that.

And having a cruiser - well, i guess i could bombard worlds into submission just by having my bath ladies push chest of drawers out of the airlocks.

And with a cruiser you could have a personal train for travelling from the hangar to the bridge, with a route to visit and motivate the weapon batteries. Bonus points for a replica of the Flying Scotsman made out of gold.

And please, tell me you at least have some Miral landsharks chained to your command throne, and some drinking cups. My favorite is the simple yet elegant bronzed skull of the Freeboota Kaptin that tried to commandeer my vessel.

>>12429151

>That guy's face when he bought more hookers

Manly tears were shed at his brilliance

>>12428929
>>12428967
>However, telling bards to "Perform" in any sense is always a poor choice of words.
Of course it is, that's why I love playing dem bards.

>virgin succubus
>nobody posts Fall-From-Grace

>>12429173
The degree of incompetence staggers me. The drinking skull uses the top of the skull as the bottom of the chalice for two reasons
1. You can actually hold the drink in it.
2. You cannot put it away as it'd fall over, so you have to finish your goddamned drink like a man.

And i also laughed.

>>12423626
Kill him.

>>12429220

If you want to do it that way, you just need sufficiently large gems to plug the holes, then gild the entire interior.

>>12429151

The group picked up the Murder by offering a large enough bribe to the Munitorium guy in charge of a naval reserve depot (read: Stole it), after our last ship got blown up in a dragged out engagement. GM rationalized it as the Murder class being the predecessor to the Lunar class in the Imperial Navy. Sadly the two archmilitants started customizing it before I could and now we have an entire regiment of wanna be space marines onboard.

>>12429234
Have you picked up any Ostentatious Displays of Wealth yet?

>>12423626
Give him herpes.

Magical herpes.

-2 Cha due to lip-sores, -2 Dex to do crotch rot

Maybe he'll figure out the problem on the way to the local cleric/apothecary.

>>12429251
Problem with using any STD in DnD is in remove disease.

>>12428942

This is glorious. I can only wish I had the skill to pull this crap off.

>>12429263
Sorry, the STD is a specialized disease and thus requires remove Venereal Disease which is not offered at our temple.

>>12429241
So it seems your life will be filled with mercenary jobs, fights and "excitement". I pity you if i'm to be honest.

>>12429234
Finally, a man who knows how to hold a drink.

Have the appropriate god of erotic love/lust choose him as their champion and grant him a boon of equipment cover with erotic imagery.

>>12429307
Clobber people with two Huge dong shaped maces

>>12429325
"THE DICKS OF EROTICUS ARE UPON YOU!"

>>12429307
Shield of Sona's Boon.
+3 large shield
Sona's Favorite Illusion: +2 to hit for charging attacks due them not sure how to handle a giant penis coming their way.

Sona is supposed to be a goddess of lust.

>>12429298

To be fair, all the mercenaries and the big honking cruiser will come in handy when it comes time to extract my revenge on those who exiled me from the halls of power.

>>12423626

See, that's bad business. We didn't waste our money on hiring whores for the night. Instead the party pooled our gold and we opened up our very own brothel! Barbrawls and hoes all the time!

>>12429353
Dem cakes.

>>12424197
Related.

Pic related it what I did upon realizing OP is reatrded

A little off topic, but this seems like the thread to pitch this idea.
I am soon to be involved in a Pathfinder Gestalt, and my GM has given me leave to attach the Sanctified template from Book of Exalted Deeds to a Kyton monster class.
The concept boils down to a kind, grandmotherly woman with a hardcore BDSM fetish that lurks under the folds of her unflattering clothing. Off of the battlefield, I'm going to make her essentially Treetrunks from Adventure Time, baking sweets, having tea parties, and giving out advise to any who need it.
On the battlefield(or if anyone is foolish enough to hit on her), a complete flip of character. Full on dominatrix with spiked chains, a safeword, and verbal attacks on her enemy's masculinity.
Oh, and the common names I'm mulling over are Cookie, Muffin, and Nalbuphina.

>>12429411
>reatrded

>>12429655

Niiiiii-iiice, I'm diggin' it.
Make sure your common players are fine with sexual innueandos over the roof, though.

>>12429655
Gramma Muffin... and she kicks ass. I like it.

>>12429705
Two of the players actually helped me develop her, one will likely be indifferent, and the last I'm actively trying to freak out a little.

Those same two players posed an interesting question; Would a marilith prostitute charge more or less for a handjob than someone with less abundant hands?

>>12429749
Depends on if she uses all of them. If she does, yes, if not, I'd assume she'd charge the going rate

Actually, one of my characters behaves like this. The problem is it's kind of hard for him to get a whore. He's actually built out of parts of various people Frankenstein style and is basically a halfway decent looking and very intelligent/charismatic flesh golem.

The thing is, he's kind of a legend among the whore community. For one, one of his first real heroic acts was stopping the owner of a brothel from selling her girls to a jack the ripper style murderer because she either didn't like that specific girl or that girl was about to be too old to be worth much more money.

He also did shit like spend 3 rounds fighting assassins that broke into his home at night without a weapon because he couldn't get to one without letting the assassins get to his whores.

Many levels later and he picked up the leadership feat. His cohort is actually a whore he met who later found out that she had the gift of magic and became a sorceress. Together they go on crazy ass adventures in Lolth's gigantic spiderfortress which they looted ork style after two of the other party members managed to find a way to kill her. Yes, it is full of whores and yes, they do plan on using it as a gigantic mobile brothel.

You think a traveling bard troupe puts smiles on people's faces when it comes to town, try having the best damn whore house on earth park itself outside the city walls.

>>12429749

I'd think that she would charge the same, given that it's still just one person giving the handjob.

BRAVO GOOD SIR

BRAVO

I know sup/tg/ is overstuffed these days but damm, this needs to go in.

I'm almost never here when the good stuff happens.

1) Be Bard
2) Dress in purple suit with lots of gold bling
3) Take Leadership feat (assuming 3.5 DnD)
4) Fluff all of your Followers as whores
5) They're all Beguilers

>>12430376
Sounds like fun.

When he buys and gets ready to sleep with a prostitute, have it turn out to be a succubus and have it devour his soul.

Buying prostitutes is okay, but on the scale he's doing it is unacceptable and he should be punished for it.

>>12431195

it's been long archived, bro.

>>12429749
As a CR 18 creature, she would probably charge quite a bit... but she can do a party of 6 for the price of one.

>>12429749
MISTRESS D'SPARIA'S HALF-PRICE HANDJOBS

"YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU CAME!"

>>12432121
someone is sad because he is not getting any.
also... why a succubuss would want his soul? the pricey souls are the ones untainted. an already tainted soul it has almost no price. it's too cheap.

the soul it's already condemned to the hell, and it wasn't not your fault. as a demon, you gain nothing. Any dm that just says "oh, it's a succubus and it ate your soul, it's just a jerk".

of course, putting a succubus wouldn't be inherently wrong.... but just because you're pissed off? might as well just say "rock falls, your character is accidentaly an eunuch now" "regenerat-?" "no, it was a magical cursed rock".

that's how you sound to me.

>>12432204
>>12432121
Prostitution is not in any way illegal or wrong directly in the D&D world unless your DM rules otherwise. Even doing it in excess is not necessarily evil. Hell, it might not even affect alignment at all.

>>12432204
Hell there's even religions dedicated towards pleasure (including the sexual kind). GOOD religions, even.

This fucking thread man...

Anyone have that shardmind prostitute drawfaggotry lying around? It's never been more relevant.

>>12432121

Fucking Christfag

1/10

Prostitution Quest

Captcha: space-time parantly

>>12432267
if that it's the case, it's even worse. The succubuss is killing you by the drain, but it's not really eating your sould because it has not corrupted you. You were just doing something "neutral", and unless she gets a trap the soul item or something, she still doesn't get anything aside some temporary hp and a kick kill.

>>12432252

Sharess, as I recall, is basically the goddess of pleasure. Good things in life and all that. Beauty, pleasure, dancing, etc.

She's chaotic good.

>>12432296

Dammit, i remember that.

searching suptg....

>>12432356

Sharess is hedonism (and cats)

Sune is beauty and love

>>12432378

Well, whatev. Even better. Sharess is still chaotic good.

>>12432393

So is Sune, and Sune is the only god who can have CG paladins. I'd still rather worship Sharess myself.

>>12432377

found this...

can't find the other pic.

searching DA...

>>12432420

>crystal pussy
>whyyoudodis.bmp

>>12432431

then you will love this

image sauce

http://browse.deviantart.com/?order=5&q=shardmind#/d2telo0

>>12425989
Meh' I like em both.

>>12432323
>herp a derp

>>12424488
any significance to the name? Cause it's mighty ironic considering his Ghost novels.

>>12432121
>>12432204
>>12432323

Nah, what would be hilarious is if a succubus heard about his reputation and sought him out to improve her technique.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ef6i9P7y3Y