KULT: You have two cows. One is secretly a pan-dimensional jailer sent to keep you ignorant. The other is a demon that wants to slowly drive you mad before killing you horribly. Both are succeeding.

Exalted: The cows have sex and punch each other for a while. That's how the world was made, Timmy.

>>9197689

I'm mildly surprised anyone on this board knows about KULT.

GURPS: you have two unfertilized cow embryos and a fully stocked genetic engineering lab.

40K: You have two cows, but they no longer can capture points, we're reissuing the models so that one cow now costs what two used to, and the Space Marine Horse will be able to outperform your cows in every situation ever.

>>9197752

All cows now realize with shame that they can never be Space Marine Horses, but will always idolize their spiritual liege Marneus Cowgar.

Dresden Files RPG: The red court has taken your cows and the white council won't do anything about it.

Eclipse phase: Your cyberneticly enhanced, genetically engineered space cows are going to die, so you back up their personalities off-site.

>>9197653
>The second cow wears a leather jacket
>Wearing a jacket of its own skin
...

Paranoia: While cow-ownership is indicative of American capitalism, your Clearance is not high enough to possess livestock, citizen. Please report to termination chamber 3-A. Have a nice day!

>>9197793
Leather can be made from any animal.

Dogs in the Vineyard: Your cows are Gun-slinging Magical Mormon Paladins wearing multicolor coats, but they can't judge each others' morals.

L5R: You have two cows. They are having tea. One does not poor tea for the other cow. They have a duel. Karmic Strike. Both cows are now dead.

The other cows write poetry about the two dead cows and their noble lives.

This is the best thread on /tg/ right now.

FATAL: One cow has an anus with a 5 foot diameter. The other cow is in the first cows anus.

40K DH: you have two cows, ITS HERESY!

>>9197891
it's more like: you have two cows. one cow is shot in the head by a cultist duck, and the brains from the first cow kill the other, causing a chain reaction of gore explosions that also kill the duck.

Global Thermonuclear War: You have two cows. One cow launches his nuclear warhead at the Kremlin. The other cow etaliates by launching more nukes to the White House. Both cows are dead by the next day.

Chess: What your two cows would be playing if they realized that Global Thermonuclear War cannot be won.

4e: you have two cows, you cant do anything with them

3.5: you have two cows, you need a billion books to do anything with them

Savage worlds: you have two cows, one is a steampunk cowboy monsterhunter superhero, and the other one is indiana jones mage paladin shwashbuckler kung fu master

nwod: you have two cows, one is sad, the other one is scared

>>9197850
Meanwhile, the horse commits seppuku in shame for failing to prevent it.

>>9197653
Mekton: you have 2 cows. The first cow ignores armor and the second cow can critically attack for infinite damage.

Vampire: You have two cows. One is old and a total dick, the other is young and irrepressibly whiny.
Werewolf: You have two cows. They regularly go into a rage and slaughter everything nearby while screaming about nature and spirits.
Changeling: You have two horribly traumatized cows. Both are a little crazy and constantly making deals with everyone.
Promethean: You have two funny-looking and somewhat miserable cows. You used to have six dead cows, so this must be an improvement.
Hunter: You have two cows. Armed only with their hooves, they stalk and kill other varieties of livestock which they believe endanger them.
Geist: You have one cow, and it's got a more badass spirit cow that gives it unstoppable powers. Fuck yeah.

C:tL: One cow is certain the other cow is a Loyalist, but can't kill it because killing a cow is a sin against Clarity. The other cow thinks the first cow is a figment of its imagination.

Shadowrun: Where did the cows go?

Pokemon TCG: You have two Miltanks.

Settlers of Catan: You have two cows which you need to trade for some wheat.

WFRP: You have two cows. One attempts to use magic to create a small amount of light, gets possessed by a Plaguebringer, both cows die.

CthulhuTech: It is impossible to accurately record how many cows you have with Euclidean mathematics.

>>9198028
Shadowrun has Awakened cows that spit lightning and gene-tweaked supercows that lactate heavy combat stims. It's horrifying.

LARP: You have two cows. One is just there to have some fun and beat people with foam swords. The other is a whiny rules lawyer that takes him self waaaay to seriously.

>>9198065

That's why the Runners stole them.

Unknown Armies: You have one cow, who is trying to kill the other cow for ascending to demigodhood first.

Oregon Trail: You have two cows. One died of a snakebite. The other drowned during a river crossing.

Battlefield Evolution: You have two cows. One cow has a British army list of 1000 pts. The other cow doesn't know what Battlefield Evo is.

-_-

Dwarf Fortress: You have two cows.

>2cow
>laughingneckbeard.gif

M:tG
you have two 0/1 green Cow creature tokens.

>>9198137
Dwarf Fortress: You have two cows. You milk them once a season to make a single slice of cheese. You'll have 40,000 cows in 4 years.

http://www.youtube.com/user/kemuel0512

Spirit of the Century: You have two cows, and both are fighting Nazis while making patriotic quips.

Warhammer 40K: you have one cow. You won't be able to afford another one until your next paycheck, and chances are that they'll nerf cows in the new codex anyway.

Mouse Guard: One cow is an unstoppable natural disaster. Two cows is the end of the world.

Ironclaw: Two members of your party are cows. No one thinks this is odd, least of all the militant catholic horse, although people not in your game will call you a furry if they find out about it.

Ars Magica: Two cows are wizards with vast powers to alter the world around them through their command of Latin verbs and nouns, but all they do is sit around in their labs for season after season reading books and cooking up potions to extend their lifespans.

TMNT: You are two cows. You fight crime.

Macho Women with Guns: Some punk makes a leud comment about your massive udders, so you kill him with a grenade launcher while wearing an outfit made of fishnets and spiked belts.

Fireborn: You are a ancient cow reborn into a human body, setting to recover the lost memories of your past glory.

Maid: You are a cowgirl, possessing a variety of bovine features. Your parents were highly abusive toward you. Your uniform has jangling chains attached to it. You talk like a rough-and-tumble gangster. You're exceptionally shy, and have trouble opening up to new people.

Rogue Trader: You have two cows hooked up to massive space-engines that continually force milk out of the udders for sale at a huge mark-up on mining worlds.

Battlefleet Gothic - Your Space Cows get shredded by the butcher that is the Necron BuzzSaw fleet.

4E DnD - Your Cows are now called Tauren

3.5 DnD - There Is No Cow Level

Shadowrun: You have two cows, and two hundred D6 to roll to milk them.

>>9198231
got a few chuckles from me

Call of Cthulhu: You have two cows. One is actually an eldrich abomination from beyond space-time. lose 1d10 SAN.

Scion: You have two cows. They both took Epic Dexterity, so you have a 0% chance to successfully milk them.

Mutants & Masterminds: You have two cows. One gives milk that can cure cancer and makes you invincible, the other has the ability to moo unusually loudly.

Riddle of Steel
A Cow strikes you in the groin.

Diablo 2: You have two cows. Clicking on one will cause it to explode, nearly killing you. The other has a halbard, and about two hundred friends, who are similarly armed. Moo moo, moo moomoomoo. Moo!

X-Com: You have two cows, both are rookies and you expect them to be hamburger by the end of the day.

Wushu: You have two cows. One is a Norse deity that defeats enemies with guitar solos, the other just got 15 bonus dice for an exceptionally exquisite description of its udders.

we run out of ideas here?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5s5qGg01nE

/tg/ homebrew edition -

Go To Hell: You have two cockshitters, cuntface.

Deus Volt: Prester John has all the cows.

Uberstadt:You had two cows. Then Thrifty McHaberdasher and his kin came along...

Inland Empire: Telegraph hackers stole the punch-card telling you how many cows you have.

Vril War: You have two cows. One you put into well-ventilated cockpit and train him in small unit tactics, the other you let huff vril fumes while you preach the glory of Deutschland.

>>9199850
Lacks...

Dogpocalypse: One cow is armed as best as money can get. the other is throwing mind bullets. This is not a metaphor.

>>9199850
Snow Crash: You have two pages of cow jokes. You trade them for a ripped album.

AFMBE: You have two cows. One has a craving for hamburger.

Battletech:
You have two surprisingly resilient cows. Rather than slaughter them outright, you chop off individual limbs and rend out organs until they eventually fall useless to the ground.

>>9199850
Arthropocalyse: The 2 cows are an epic tier encounter

Rogue Trader. You have two cows. You make an Acquisition test. You have twenty thousand cows. You trade them for an unlimited supply of milk, but you can only carry three bottles at a time.

Mercs and Planes: You have two cows. One is operating on the AWACS, the other's busy shaking missiles off his Gripen.

>>9200211
Alternatively:

Battletech: You have 2 cows, both are carrying massive amounts of armor, but they have a 3% chance of every medium size or larger gun killing them instantly.

4e:

You have two cows. Thanks to new naming conventions, they're known as Leatherhide Tramplebeasts.

B/X D&D : You have two cows. The first cow is constantly checking for traps with a 10 foot pole. The second cow's class is Cow and he has infravision but no relevant skills.

>>9200268

Mercs and Planes: You are a Georgian farmer. You had two cows, but they both shit themselves to death after Russians poisoned the water supply.

>>9200379

Mercs and planes: You had two cows on the Queen Victoria. You don't really know what happened to them.

Eon: You have two cows that have decent milk output, but you wanted a horse and a a duck. Both of the cows have astronomical debts and astronomical wealth at the same time.

Monsters and other childish things: You have two cows. One is your best friend ever and he's stronger and way tougher than Jimmy down the street's cow, but he keep trying to eat your moms soul.

>>9200278
DOUBLE ALTERNATELY: YOU HAVE TWO COWS, BUT WHEN THEY MOO FOR THE FIRST TIME THEY COOK THEMSELVES AND EXPLODE INTO PERFECT STEAKS

Rolemaster: You have two cows. You must look up in 6 different charts how much milk you can potentially get.

>>9200545
Mercs and planes: you hear a moo at a distance, and you deploy napalm. All the cows are now dead, along with 3 civilians and a road bridge.

>>9200280
Guess what my party is facing next Tuesday.

Zork:
You are in a barn. You see two cows.
Place lantern.
The cow kicks over the lantern. The lantern goes out. It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.
Pick up lantern.
You do not see a lantern here.

>>9200702
Two of these?

Zeonquest:
You have two Pezun Cowadges

>>9200768
Yep it's a cow alright.
~Warrior, Diablo

>>9200968

Zeonquest:
You pilot a Zacow named El Moouerto Gigante.

You are a Mootype.

>>9201043
I fuckin' spit out my coffee

>>9198319
But what is the milk like?

>>9201100
CoC: The milk is a hallucinogen which allows creatures living outside our time-stream to temporarily take over your body.

Uncharted Seas: You have two calves on a small farm. They show a lot of promise but are really young.

DnD: You see two Dire Cows. Roll Initiative.

Don't Rest Your Head: You have two cows. They must take shifts where one sleeps and the other defends the first from being tipped.

Call of Cthulhu: You have pi cows.

Touhou: You have 2 loli cowgirls firing flashy patterns of milk danmaku at each other. They then put this milk in the tea they settle down to drink.

serenity:
you have two cows, and your both pirate cowboys ....in space!

Alternity:

You have two cows. They have 13 Constitution, giving them 13 stun damage boxes, 13 wound damage boxes and 7 mortal boxes. Their leather hide gives them 1d4-1 LI armor, 1d6-4 HI armor and 1d4-3 EN armor and I've gone cross eyed.

>>9201080
was there milk in it?

>>9198086
Unknown Armies: You have two cows. They are what you tend to every day. You take care of them. You cannot remember the last time you left your farm, and you know some terrible fate would befall you if you were to neglect your cows. YOUR MILK IS DELICIOUS AND YOUR LEATHER JACKET STOPS BULLETS.

StarCraft: "you have two cows."
"you idiot Lestor, them's are zerglings. but they don't come out this far, unless... oh shit."
"I love you sarge."

Godlike: 2 cows are in a trench fighting nazis. One cow can shoot lasers from his udders and the other cow is pretty sure the first one is insane.

>>9202105
Starcraft: You have two cows. If they both go up a ramp at the same time, they get stuck and just wobble left and right.

Genius: You have two cows. By parading them publicly through the streets, video taping the faces in the crowds that form, and running an analysis of the video through your partner's organic supercomputer, you are able to predict how the crowd will vote based on which Two Cows joke the facial recognition software says they are thinking of.

>>9198137
BUT THATS MORE THEN 300 POINTS

>>9198113

i lol'd

AD&D: You have 1d4 Cows.

>>9197653
Holy shit I was just coming here to make a thread like this.

>>9202362

Were you struck with deja moo when you saw it?

Exalted: You have two bovine Lunars. One of them is bonded to you and the other runs around swinging a daiklave with her tail.

D&D 3.5: You have two cows, Attempting to milk them provokes a attack of opportunity.

>>9199850
Dive into the Sky: You have two girls who are female teenage versions of two notable 1940s-era farmers, They strap cow parts onto their legs and fly around fighting alien cows made of nanomachines, A lesbian relationship is implied.

Warhammer 40k: You have two cows. Your wife has one as well when she finds out what you paid for them.

Deadlands: You must hunt down the son of a gun who rustled your two cows.

4e: You have two cows. Your 25 year old friend with aspergers insists this is a meaningless accomplishment because cows have no listed gold value in the PHB.

1000 Blank White Cards: You have two cows. Your opponent rules that players with more than one cow are eliminated from the game.

Mage: You have two cows. Then they RESHAPE REALITY TO USHER FORTH AN ERA OF BOVINE POWER MWAHAHAHA*cough*

D&D: There are two cows. Their powerful horns glisten in the sun as they size you up with their predatorial eyes. Roll for initiative!

D&D 4e: You have two cows, You argue constantly with other farmers about them.

Call of Cthulhu: Strange things have been happening. You think you might have two cows, so you investigate. Finding the two cows drives you permanently insane.

Alt Call of Cthulhu: Your walls are full of cows, Their eldritch mooing drives you to insanity.

The Morrow Project: You have two cows, You cryogenicly freeze them along with some farmers and huge weapon stocks to help rebuild America after a nuclear war.

Classic Traveller: You had two cows. One died during character generation. The other is controlled by a room-sized computer and eats 75% of its body weight in hay in order to give milk once a week. It's traditional to dim the lights before milking it.

Burning Wheel: You have two cows. Use the Cow Burner to define what that means for your campaign.

>>9202625

Dark Sun: Two cows ambushed you in the night, using their psychic aura of anesthetization to avoid detection until they were close enough to bring their hideous moisture-sucking tentacles to bear. Everyone died. Who wants to reroll?

>>9202620
1000 Blank White Cards: One cow makes a card saying all players have to drink. Another cow makes a card saying the first cow has to drink.

Shadowrun: You have two cows, One turns into a minotaur.

Risk: You have two cows in Brazil. 45 West African cows stampede across the ocean towards you.

Fallout PnP: You have one cow with two heads.

Fairy Meat: You have two cows, they fight each other across your living room to see who will eat the other.

Solitaire: You have two cows, but neither of them wants to play cards with you right now.

Synnibarr: You have two cows. Both have 3000 hit points, laser eyes and can fly.


Sorcerer: Cows don't exist. You have one cow. But getting any milk from it will require you to fulfill it's needs. Getting a second one because you require more milk means you'll have to gamble away your soul or something similar.

Rolemaster: You have two cows, each with 10 attributes. Each of those attributes has a percentile rating and a second rating that shows its maximum potential. (See chart 5.1)

Rifts: You have two cows, one is the pilot of an invincible mobile suit, the other can shred every mind within 100 meters of him.

Both are killed in their sleep when a mega damage mosquito bites them without their armor on.

d20:

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dire Animal" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Cows deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned the breeding a genuine cow in the next town over for 6 chickens and a bushel of cabbage (that's about 50$) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even put milk in cups of solid steel with my cow.

Breeders spend years working on a single cow and breed it up to a million times to produce the finest animals known to mankind.

Cows are thrice as strong as other animals and thrice as powerful for that matter too. Anything a goat can eat, a cow can eat better. I'm pretty sure a cow could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple "moo".

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the farm? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined farmers and their cows of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the cows first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Cows are simply the best animal that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Cows:

Lvl 15 Animal (300 HP) 30 STR 20 DEX 35 CON 30 INT 25 WIS 20 CHA

Now that seems a lot more representative of the awesome power of Cows in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Cows need to be more awesome in d20, see my new stat block.

Monopoly: You have two cows. Both adamantly want to be the car, but will lose interest in the game the first time they land on a property they can't buy out of pocket.

Minesweeper: You have two cows, and you never get around to milking either of them.

Derpuhpus Quest: No such thing as derpcows exist.

Diplomacy: You have two cows, both of which stab you in the back.

Magic the Gathering: You have two cows. You trade one for a Shivan chicken. The other gets banned for being involved in a combo with two donkeys and a poorly-worded druid.

>>9202755
Minesweeper: You have two cows, If you try to milk them they explode.

All Flesh Must Be Eaten: You have two cows. ZOMBIE COWS

>>9202742

Dogs In the Vineyard: Jeremiah had two cows and his neighbor Ezekiel had none. Jeremiah was a proud man and always seemed to find ways to lord it over his poorer neighbors. Eventually Ezekiel got so jealous that he resorted to sorcery, making a deal with demons to cause Jeremiah's cows to get sick and die. Jeremiah got angry and set fire to Zeke's barn, inadvertently causing the death of Zeke's brother Amos. Now Zeke's family is out for blood, and the whole town is taking sides. Today you and your group of dogs rode in to find the town on the verge of a bloody feud. How far are you willing to go to bring peace to the town and restore the people to righteousness?

Munchkin: You have one Very Very Invisible Flying Cow that is the Last Of Its Kind, and its identical mate. You milk them with a bucket over your head.

Dominion: You have two cows. You ambassador them away. Now your opponents all have a cow.

Pit: You have two cows. TRADING FOR THREE! TRADING FOR THREE! TRADING FOR THREE! TRADING FOR THREE! TRADING FOR THREE!

3:16: You had two cows, but one of them was killed under suspicious circumstances in the field, and coincidentally now you have a chance to get promoted to Head Farmer.

kill puppies for satan: you kill two cows
if you eat them, +0 evil
if you don't eat them, +2 evil

Anima: You have two cows. Roll Style to see how awesome they are.

Freeform RP: You have two cows. One is a princess who cannot be hurt by mortal means, and one is a rebellious teenager who was raped as a calf.

Mahjong: You have two cows. The person to your left just discarded a cow.

Mafia: You have two cows. They may communicate with each other at night.

>>9198137
shit made me laugh XD

LARP: You have two cow plushies.

Tales of the Abyss: You have two cows. Ion dies and Anise is a loser whore.

Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri: With the new advances, we were finally able to introduce 2 cows to the mind worms.
Lady Deirdre Skye
"A Comparative Biology of Planet"

>>9202848
LARP: You have two cows. The organizer tells you take them back before the farmer calls the police.

>>9202852

Tales of Symphonia: You have two cows. They both appear to have grown angelic wings while you were in the bathroom for some fucking reason.

DM: You're at the crypt. There's two cows.
John: I milk the cows
DM: Can't there's no udders or anything.
Billy: I fucking crush the milk out then, I thought it was implied if we cant milk it WE CRUSH WHAT WE WANT OUT OF IT.
Giles: Hey, hey can I groom the cows?
DM: We-
John: No, you're a goddamn barbarian *Snort*, that, that's like me rolling to cast magic missile.
DM: Hey! HEY! Pay attention. Anyway, the cows are made of stone.
Billy: I can milk stone cows.
DM: What.
Billy: I can fucking do it, I have a magic +1 milking machine, it doesn't break.
DM: So you're going to spend all day milking a chunk of stone with your milking machine.
John: Yeah, and by my measurements, if my calculations are correct, and assuming these cows have milk in them, it'll take thirty two hours to suck it out, we can do this.
Giles: Hey, hey, hey, I have gloves, I can, I can help!
Billy: No, no you friggin' can't, their plain leather gloves and you made a shitty barbarian so, like, you'd make it worse.
DM: Look, maybe GWEN might remember that interrogation- Wait, where's Gwen?
Billy: She showed up one game and hasn't come back. You've been playing her character, dingus.

>>9202869
Tales of Phantasia: You have two cows. You discard them every other year and buy newer, shinier cows.

Battleship: You have 4 cows, and one calf that you can never find and swear must be moving around the field while you looking for it.

Fallout PNP: You have two cows. They take ten minutes to do anything, and are addicted to Jet.

Phoenix Command: You have two cows. The simple act of moving requires intense computation with a graphing calculator, but on the upside you can tell exactly what ramifications this will have on the local weather and earthquake prediction.

Hackmaster: You have two cows, one hits the other with it's hoof doing a severity 23 critical to the brain, shattering the skull and turning the cows brain into goo.

Gamma World: You have 2 new animals whose base form is cow. One can create forcefields, and shoot a sonic blast, and has claws that do 2d8 damage. The other can take over plants and has a second tail.

A little love for the Æonverse, please!

Adventure! : You have two cows. One is a gun-toting, tomb-robbing, witticism-spewing hero, and the other is building an army of nazi vampire robots on his secret base on the dark side of the moon to take over the world.

Aberrant : You have two cows. One can throw lightning bolts out of it's udders that cut buildings in half, so the other one teleports it into the sun and calls it a day.

Trinity : It will take 4 or 5 of your psychic cows to take down the evil mutant gibbering cow-like-monstrosity that attacked their farm.

Synnibar: You have two cows. One is a Flying Cow with Phazed Chemical Laser Eyes, three 10ths, and an Alchemy Tail Barb. The other is a Midnight Sunstone Werecow, but don't be fooled-- the "Were" part does not mean that it is a shapeshifter.

Homebrew: You have organs and odd bits of about 30 cows, and they add up to the mass of about 2 cows. Also, there's the head of a pig in there for some reason.

Munchkin: You have two cows. One is also a half-half-elf and just tricked the other into getting eaten by Cthulhu.

L5R First Edition: You have two cows.

L5R Third Edition: You have two mantises.

4e: You have one baboon that has spent its entire life learning to bend the laws of reality that he might better imitate a cow, and one donkey granted cow-like powers by his god. For all intents and purposes though, they might as well just be cows.

Trollbabe, You are surrounded by cows and horses. You yourself are half-cow, half-horse. To give milk you have to roll your number or less; to win a steeplechase you have to roll your number or higher.

Hybrid: Rule 56-8: COWS AND CHICKENS. You have C+1 cows unless you are a MUTANT or PSYCHIC GREATER THAN 12, where it is C=PSYCHE except divide by half for women or gay men you need COW>4 to be AWARE like Mageneto was C=COW=PI! This is VERY SIMPLE AND COMPLETE!

3e: You have two cows, but only enough skill points to take ranks in either handle animal OR profession (rancher).

Dwarf Fortress Adventure Mode:

You want to increase your hammer skill, so you attack two cows.

You bash the Cow in the right rear lower hoof with your =+bronze maul+=, but the attack glances away!
The Cow bites your head, tearing away the skin.
The Cow shakes you by the head.
The Cow shakes you by the head.
The Cow shakes you by the head.
The Cow shakes you by the head.
You give into pain.
You have bleed to death.

Space to Continue...

Touhou: You have two cows. Both are little girls in silly hats that fire bullets at each other.

The Extraordinary Adventures of Baron Munchausen: You have two cows. They both tell extremely tall tales about their previous exploits while being questioned on the validity of their stories.

>>9202990
RULE 57-9: COWS AND CHICKENS are rATED 1600@C1 which is the same as 6700@C2, unless you are using the STATE EQUATION (rule @56-102) which gives 45@C6. These are the SAME because the STATE EqUATION assumes Wesley SNipe's HEAD is 2@C6.

RULE 57-8: THE GOVERNMENT TRIES US FOR ANIMAL CRUELTY, BUT HOW CAN IT BE CRUELTY TO A COW WE OWN!? OWNERSHIP IS A CONTRACT ALLOWING CRUELTY SO ANYONE WHO'S DELUDED INTO BELIEVING BY UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT THAT ANIMAL CRUELTY APPLIES! ONLY APPLIES WILD ANIMALS! LOIKE SUPERMAN IN LEGIOPN OF SUPERPETS #766 (see EQUATION 78-07: Pet Equations @C2).

BattleTech: You had two cows on a recon run. Your partner in the GRN-5S "Guernsey" was taken out by a medium laser volley from a Davion "Jersey" light bovine model before you knew what happened. Your PPC has caused your 30 ton HLS-2C "Holstein" to overheat and your udder-mounted MG ammo is ready to blow. Eject before the BRM-1A "Brahma" gets a short-range missile lock!

Earthworm Jim: You have two cows. Well done.

Mount and Blade: You steal two cows from one village to feed another, your herd of two cows is lost when night falls as you are driving them through a forest.

/tg/: You are arguing with another cow.

Mastermind: You have two cows, and a sheep in the wrong spot.

GNS theory: You have three cows, Each of them vary in size depending on how you farm them.

All Flesh Must Be Eaten: You have two bloody smears.

Poison'd: You have two cows, one bites the head of the other and then mounts the carcass and proceeds to spray milk from its udders into the oesophagus of the dead cow.

Not only does it add a few Xs to its next combat, its brutality goes up by two.

Midgard: Sie besitzen zwei Kühe.

i love you /tg/


4chan the trading card game:

2cow - enchantment

Causes any /tg/ related thread to gain +win

suptg: You are arguing with two cows while talking pleasantly with three more and playing DF. Meanwhile, combat is happening in a PNP game in another channel.

My life with...: You have two girls with big tits in black and white plaid.

/tg/: GODDAMNIT THE FIRST PAGE IS FULL OF NOTHING BUT COW THREADS.

Settlers of Catan: You have two cows, but you really need a brick and a wood.

Final Fantasy: You have 48 leather belts.

CthulhuTech: You have two cows, but one's corrupted and one's gone insane. You die, as does everyone you know.

40k has already been done to death, but i'm doing it again. Even if i am, so to speak, beating a dead cow.

You have two cows. One of them is a heretic. The other one is also a heretic. You burn them both alive.

>>4e: you have two cows, you cant do anything with them

>>3.5: you have two cows, you need a billion books to do anything with them

this is the fairest assessment of 3.5/4e I've seen yet

Twilight 2013: You have two cows, One is killed by a Predator drone strike so you load explosives onto the other and send it towards the American Embassy, It explodes 50 feet away injuring 10 civilians. Fox News blames Iranian yaks, you flee to Syria seeking a better life.

Planescape: Torment: You have two cows, but you can't remember why. You must somehow get rid of your cows or you will farm forever.

WHFRP 1e: You have two cows. Unfortunately, plague kills one, while the other is confiscated by the local noble for use in a Chaos induced orgy. It returns pregnant and gives birth to a foul abomination leading to you being accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake.

WHFRP 2e: The valiant battlecows stand ready at the field, no longer the meek and helpless cows of yore, but powerful and mighty warriors capable of leading armies from the front.

WHFRP 3e: Ah, yes, let's see according to this dairy-track, we will need to resolve the whole milk situation before we can progress in our quest to root out the evil cultists. Where are our two cow-dice gone to?

Unhallowed Metropolis
You have two cows. One of them was nearly killed by a vampire cow, the other wears funeral attire and chops the head off freshly-dead cows. Both sport tophats and gas masks, and kill undead cows for a living in their spare time. Milk is never an issue.

Masque of the Red Death: You have two cows. One of them breaks its leg. You accrue reputation for three months in order to convince a healer to risk using magic to fix it. The cow is then promptly killed by a single bullet that hits it right in the neck.

Oglaf: You have two cows. A sadistic witch turns them into bulls. You're forced to milk them anyway.

Feng Shui: You have two cows. A man comes in through the barn door with a gun in his hand.

>>9203345
I lol'ed

Dragon Ball: Two cows arrive from outer space threatening to destroy the planet.

One Piece: You have two pirate cows.

Bleach: You have a sword that turns into two guns that launch exploding cows.

>>9203398

Berserk: You have two cows. They are possessed by demons and rape and murder everyone you've ever known or loved.

>>9203429
And then they hang around so they can gangrape everyone you meet.

Legend of the Five Rings: To find the number of cows you have, go to page 158. The stats for cows are found in a sidebar on page 119, except for how much milk they give, which is on page 255. None of this is indicated anywhere in the book.

TES: Oblivion - You have two cows. STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!

DnD: You have two cows. The DM kills them because he sucks at creating effective plot hooks. You must avenge your cows.

Nobilis: You have two china shops.

>>9203459

That sounds like Exalted. Or any White Wolf game.

4e DnD: You have 2 cows and a shift.

>>9203496
I wouldn't know, since I've never played one, but the L5R sourcebook is notorious for being poorly organized and edited.

>>9203500

...Fuck. I laughed.

>>9203500
D&D4e: You have two cows. One shifts five feet to the left, and moos at the other cow. The other cow takes 1d4 damage, and falls prone.

Wraith: You had two cows.

F.A.T.A.L.: You have two cows. One of them is a rapist, the other one has an enormous asshole. Roll a dice, divide the result by pi to find out how many times they rape you.

D&D 2e: There are two cows. They are 3 challenge ratings higher than you should try as a first-level character.

Bubblegum Crisis RPG: You have two cows.

One is a disguised terrorist boomer.

The other wears a fancy battlesuit and fights the first.

Delta Green: You have two cows. The next morning, one has been mutilated horribly, its eyes torn out, its innards dragged out through tiny holes in its stomach, its tongue ripped out. The other cow has to be terminated because it has seen too fucking much.

WFRP: You have two cows. You're fabulously wealthy! One cow dies from the infamous Hochland cow-blight. The other is stolen by Beastmen who use it as a sacrifice to call up a daemon. You and your village are all killed.

Battlestar Galactcia: You have two cows. One is a Cylon.

>>9204923
No challenge ratings in 2e, dood

>>9205002

The other one just doesn't know it's a Cylon yet.

vampire - one cow stabs other in the back for better patch of grass for grazing

>>9205002
WFRP: 4 cows total, of the other two 1 was abducted by Wood Elves for purposes too clever for your feeble human mind, and the other cow is actually a 3-man Skaven infiltration disguise -hence it's glass eyes and random tendency to shit nerve gas globes.

Sword of Truth: You have 2 cows. Anyone who asks to share your cows is clearly a servant of evil, and may be killed brutally. if they were good they would have cows of their own, without having to steal the cows that you worked for.

>>9197733
>>unfertilized embryo

>> wut

Sid Meier's Civilization: You have two cows and should really be heading to bed. You take just one more cow

Mattward: You have two cows, one is an Ultramarine, a defender of the imperium, the other is not and will forever be in a state of Forlorn about it.

Mutant Chronicles: You have two cows, one is a cyborg and the other fights with a pair of katanas. Both have large pauldrons.

All Flesh Must Be Eaten: You have two Cows: One is a chainsaw wielding ultra zombie, the other is a video store clerk that hits the first cow with a dumptruck.

Warmachine: You have two cows; both have weird rule interactions with each other that requires asking Privateer Press what their rules mean.

Cyberpunk 2020: An evil corporation has leased you two cows and a cybernetic enhancement to make milking them easier. Roll for humanity loss.

>>9205390

Warmachine Mk.II: Your cows have lost a fuckton of rules and you can still milk them after you have destroyed the udder, although with one die less.

am i the only one who thinks THIS should be archived?

D&D original: You have two cows in your party, cow is also a class, so...being a cow is a full time job alright?

Dwarf Fortress: You have an engraving of two cows. It menaces with spikes of bone.

Ikuisuuden Laakso: You have two cows, one of which is an anti-cow. One of them kills the other with their ruminating-related powers, but eventually succumbs to hunger on the barren, unforgiving wasteland. The Pasture always wins.

Fallout: You have two two-headed cows.

Fallout 2: You have two cows. One is two headed and useless. The other is two-headed and after you fix its leg, it follows you and is useless.

>>9205461

It is already archived

Flames of War: You got two platoons of cows and you need at least 4 more before you have a viable list.

REIGN: You have two wagyū cows. Unfortunately, most people don't know what wagyū is and most of the ones that do call it Kobe beef and probably never had the chance to try it anyways. Still, you have wagyū and those poor shmucks don't, so you got that goin' for ya.

>>9205567

where?

>>9205787

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=cow

>>9203112
Operation: You have a series of cows that you're trying to drag through an electrified fence.

Agricola: You have two cows. When it is time for them to breed, another player grabs the food you were planning on gathering first, forcing you to slaughter them instead.

Munchkin: You should know better than to pick up two cows in a dungeon. Lose a level.

>cow
>his

>>9206696
Thousand dollar fee!

Power Grid: You have two cows. Do you buy two more now to fuel your methane plant next turn, or take a chance and hope nobody else buys them out before your next turn?

Goosebumps: You have two cows. You think one of them is sentient and is stalking you. You end up killing it only to find that it was the only thing protecting you from the other cow all along. You wake up to a cow standing over your bed with a two large buns.

WHAT'A TWEEEST!

>>9207135
Obviously they're boy cows.

>>9207509
God damn it!

I was working at a movie theater at the time that movie came out and it NEVER made sense to me.

What's worse is that there is a bull in the movie also. So..what? The bull has his way with both kinds of cows indiscriminately?

>>9207608

I wish I could find the Honey Bunches of Oats commercial where they mention a "boy cow".

Unfortunately Youtube is full of HBoO fanmade parodies <.<

Settlers of Catan: I have wood for cows!

Literati: You have two torpid, scurrilous cows. Your jealous, vitriolic neighbor vehemently declares that he will usurp them from you.

>>9207608

The joke in the TV sow is that it's a fake udder because walking around with his genitals exposed would be distasteful. He wears that instead of underwear.

>>9198231
take that back.
http://www.wizards.com/dnd/article.asp?x=d2/d220010302x

3.5 quite clearly has a cow level.

>>9209490
I'm willing to accept that as an answer if only to keep myself from going into a fit of madness.

MtG: You have 2 1/1 green cow tokens with T: add W to your mana pool

Illuminati NWO: Two cows control the american banks and the joggers.

Jyhad: You burn 4 blood to attach 2 cow allies to your Malkavian Primogen. 2R. Aggravated.

Stalker the role playing game: You notice two cows ,skinless with no eyes. One of them seems to be slowly floating upwards and the other one is rapidly exploding and regenerating. You feel that there is something wrong.

Fluxx: You have two cows. If you control a Cow, Milk, and Cookies, you win the game.

>>9202818
>Trading for three!
>implying you don't slam the table repeatedly and chant THREE THREE THREE THREE THREE as fast as you can

Og!
You have two woolly cows, but you don't know a word for them.

Ambush Alley - You have two Regular cows. Your opponent has four Irregular cows, one of which is a suicide bomber.

Continuum: Somewhere, some time you used to have two cows, but one was lost in time paradoxes, and the other has betrayed everything that was good and right and serves as Hitler's bodyguard now.

Infantry Online: You have two cows. They circle-strafe around each other instinctively.

Black Tokyo: Oh brother, you don't want to know.

>>9211040
The thought of a cow circle-strafing amuses me far more than I fear it should.

>>9211028
In Continuum, all spanners that aren't Narcissists are Hitler's bodyguard. Killing Hitler could very well fuck the timestream.

Don't Rest Your Head: You have two cows, one is a figment of your insomnia representing a haunted past and a farmyard accident as a child. The second one is a nightmare following your every step, biding it's time until it can infect you with it's milk that will make you just like it.

Dark Heresy: You have two cows. When is killed accidentaly, causing it's head to explode in an extraordinarily gory fashion and catch fire.
The Other is executed for suspected Heresy.

>>9203276
I like this.

AK-47 Republic : You have two cows. One is your Warlord, the other has been converted into a technical mounted with a recoilless rifle.

The Riddle of Steel: You have two cows, and the system for milking them is approved by the Dairy Farmers' Union.

D&D: You have two cows. The old one is full of milk. The new one is full of unique and diverse flavors, but they're not really milk.

KotE: You have two cows, a higher cow and a lower cow. They're constantly fighting for control over your body, and the lower cow drives you to drink milk voraciously.

>>9197793
you can make leather out of other types of skin.

>>9203188 Final Fantasy: You have 48 leather belts.

Heh.

How many belts can you make from one cow anyway?

>>9213680
Leather belts only? Or can I loop some intestine around my waist..

>>9213725

Leather.

I don't think you can tan intestine.

Axis and Allies: You have lots of cows. You hang out in Moscow while Germany and Japan claim the rest of your cows, waiting for the other Allies to get their shit together. You have two cows.

MERP: You have two cows, both of which have godly stats compared to your level 1 loser. Trying to milk them causes you to stumble, crack your head open and die instantly.

Dark Heresy: You have two cows. One steps into a hole and breaks it's leg, so you take it to the Mechanicus for repair. It comes back with 75% less biomass and can now see in 7 different spectrums, power weld metal, lift 10x it's own bodyweight, and chant "For the Omnissiah" in High Gothic as well as Binary. The one thing it can't do is give milk, and the other cow gets seconded to the Inquisition.

>>9215080
And then the first cow becomes a daemonhost which the first one has to kill alongside the acolyte squad it's in.

LARP: You actually do have two cows.

>>9216630

Except they're made of styrofoam and duct-tape.

Chill: There are two cows out there, and if you don't kill both them within the next three days all the children in Oregon will DIE from a mystical curse that's over 5,000 years old.

Continuum: Your future self tells you you'll have two cows. You go back in time to tell your five-year-old self the good news.

Birthright: You have two cows. Upon receiving them you tell the dirt-covered peasant that's using them to pay your oppressive taxes that you prefer the jingle of coins to the moo'ing of lifestock before having him flogged and take his wife for the night.

Asylum: You have crudely crafted 2 cows, or what you think are cows, out of scrap metal. Other inmates flock to them for worship while others try to steal the precious metal.

Dorf Fortress: 2 Cat

How can all of you get the DF ones so wrong?

You have 2 cows, and seven million cats. You milk maggots, not cows.

Talislanta: You have two cows. Both of them have pointed ears but neither are elves.

InSylum: you think you have two cows, but the doctors are telling you you're getting better now. At midnight you find out for sure when the yellow man comes around.

Book of Erotic Fantasy: You have two cows. They are compatible with sprites.