>It's an answering machine that rotates at high speed!

some... some kind of weapon?

>It's like a normal baseball cap, but it shreds documents.

Well, at least I got a bit more clothes on me...

>It's like a normal artificial limb, but it follows a target of your choice.

I am now a cyborg flesh hunter

>It's a briefcase! It traps mice in a humane fashion!

Well, at least we're excited about it.

Mouseburgers, anyone? They were captured humanely. That's got to be worth something.

>It's a candle that's biodegradable and sounds better than it looks.

=(

>It's a TV remote control that's voice-activated! It is bigger on the inside than the outside and chirps and whistles.

Uh... I think I got a TARDIS with still functioning cloaking device... I'm fucking set.

>It's a contraceptive device that's heavier than it looks! It costs less than a penny a day to run.

Thank god for that.

>It's a walking stick! It does exactly what it says on the tin!

Well atleast its something I'll need.

It's a deck of cards that weighs less than a packet of cigarettes!

TECHNOLOGY

>It's a computer mouse that emits dangerous radiation! It is better than the last one.

My last computer was a dump site.

>It's a baseball cap! It is perfectly safe to use!

I feel sorry for the other guy.

>>13639259
Design #1997987913
It's a dog collar that's guaranteed to save you a hundred pounds a month! It loves you as a person and detects explosives.

Well, that's positively useful. Explosive-detecting dogs' collar that's good company AND... somehow improves my bartering.

>It's a business card that catches fire very easily! It lasts for up to a week.

This is actually useful... Once. Kinda.

>>13639269

>It's a walking stick! It's a stick, for walking!

This is shaping up to be a very silly grim apocalypse.

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi?ref=3645163727

>It's a handgun that self-replicates!

Fuck yeah, time to take over the world

>It's a headband that makes you invisible! It shoots laser beams and pings when it's ready.

I like how my stealth device is occasionally interrupted by a loud noise and flash frying something.

>It's a mobile phone that's oak-panelled! It sends and receives faxes and follows you around.

R2D2?

>It's a briefcase that emits a powerful searchlight beam! It talks and is oak-panelled.

My second attempt, this time something very awesome and useful.

>>13639277
>>13639276
>>13639269
>>13639264

I'm lol'ing so hard right now.

>>13639284
What the fuck, man?

All I got was a briefcase that catches mice.

>It's like a normal pair of trousers, but it's different every time you use it.

how did I survive with this luck I wonder...

>It's a milk carton made from recycled cardboard.

... Sigh...

>It's a CD player that has a mind of its own!

>It's a retinal implant that has been featured in Star Trek! It works at twice the normal speed and has a built-in alarm clock.

Well.. kinda maybe..I dunno.

It's a candle that's better than the last one, knows your name and automatically avoids obstacles.

How you like them apples, >>13639264 ?

>It's a rubber fish! It has no moving parts!

>It's a biro! It stays sharp forever!

Fuckin' stab ya cunt!

It's a sock that's rustproof, cuts through stone as if it were butter and moulds to fit its user.

combat sock

>It's an electronic implant that contains a tinier version of itself! It keeps children amused and tastes delicious.

Delicious gene-seed, I must harvest it from the children. They won't mind. They're all so perfectly happy.

>It's a human clone! It keeps drinks cold!


Hooray, food storing food!

>It's a screwdriver that tracks infra-red, operates on a quantum level and can be programmed to perform simple tasks.

/thread

>>13639309

maybe I can perform genocide cutter kicks like Rugal when not wearing shoes

>>13639304
That *is* better than my candle. =/

Luckily now I have this!
>It's a biro that has a built-in alarm clock! It hovers three feet from the ground.

>>13639317
>>13639319


What part of >>13639315 did you not understand?

>It's a housebrick that displays pornography, is made of glass and always points to magnetic north.

i could make due with this

>Design #2914783587
>It's a small plastic pyramid that's biodegradable, makes you invisible and has a built-in motion sensor.

Woah.

>It's a handheld DVD player! It vibrates!

Cool! Is there any DVDs around?

>It's a contraceptive device that stretches to twice its original size! It can emulate a ZX Spectrum and works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect.

Um.
>and works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect.

Good news, everyone?

>>13639315
>>13639266

So we got what seems like a Tardis and what seems like a Sonic Screwdriver between us. Perhaps if we meet we combine and become the Doctor?

>>13639315
I think the infinitely self-replicating handgun trumps everything.

>It's like a normal golf club, but it's covered with realistic fur.

At least I can still beat people with it.

I>t's a pair of shoes that can be bolted onto a credit card, cannot be moved and slices vegetables.

>It's a pager! It sends and receives text messages!

Wow... Just... Wow

>>13639315
you got the god damn sonic screwdriver?


the fuck man

It's a rubber fish that may have harmful side effects, disinfects work surfaces and sorts your mail.

>It's a briefcase that expands at the touch of a button, freezes anything it touches and shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger.

Time to conquer the wasteland with a FRIDGE

>It's a dog collar that works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect! It keeps your carpets clean.

It kills the dog -> No dog poo on the carpet. Nice.

>It's a gas-mask! It contains alcohol!


fights toxines and makes the wastes tolerable

fuck yea

>It's a hair gel that has adverts on the side! It fetches help in the event of an emergency.

TOO BAD THE CANNIBALS ATE THE LAST PARAMEDIC YEARS AGO!

Imagine how differently The Road might have gone if only they'd had this amazing device:

>It's a sock that can be used by several people at once and is rustproof.

>It's a refrigerator that vibrates!

Just what I wanted.

>It's like a normal deck of cards, but it looks like a pot-plant.

Im going to find a hippie compound and trade it for all their supplies. By the time they realize the ruse, the cards will have been dealt and I've disappeared into smoke.

>It's a pot plant that's ideal for the kitchen! It has a retro 70s design and changes colour to reflect your mood.

I know I'm spending the post apocolypse, baked.

>It's a deck of cards! It is water-absorbent!

That's actually useful if you have any means to get the water back.

>It's a CD-rom that's made entirely of wood! It is actually just a solid block of plastic and is built and maintained by tiny nano-robots.

Are the nano-bots made of wood or plastic???

>>13639254
A unicycle that plays the american national anthem and soothes babies!


Well, Its a means of transpirtation I guess. Maybe I can join the Enclave.

>It's a false moustache that emits a powerful searchlight beam! It does exactly what it says on the tin.


searchlight moustache?

SHINING BEACON OF MANLYNESS

I think the real question is: What the fuck kind of society was this before the fall?

>It's a hair gel that can only be operated by a trained professional! It is voice-activated and is two inches tall.

...self-defense hair, splendid!

>It's a crematorium that squeaks!
That's not very reverent or appropriate.

>>13639328
>It's a contraceptive device that stretches to twice its original size! It can emulate a ZX Spectrum and works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect.

In post-apocalyptica, condom makes you pregnant.

>captcha: ill loveman

>It's a feather duster that can extinguish fires, is powered by a single hamster and can play chess.
Now to get that hamster...

>It's a football that wears a waistcoat and tie and is biodegradable.

WILSOOOOOOOOOOOOON

>It's like a normal mattress, but it flies like a rocket.


fuck the world I'm going to mars

>It's an aquarium! It shoots laser beams!

Well, fuck all of your post-apocalyptic shit. I'm going places.

>It's a teddybear that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones! It quacks like a duck and affixes to any flat surface.

Screw survival, this is fucking awesome.

>It's a first-aid kit that dissolves in water! It makes amusing belching noises and is only visible under ultraviolet light.

God damn it.

>It's a microwave that makes you invisible, tracks its position with GPS and increases your sex appeal.

Fairly useful.

>It's a jetpack that smells of flowers! It does away with household drudgery and increases your sex appeal.

Oh yeah.

It's a featureless cube that tells you when people are lying!
This is actually extremely useful. Go me!

>It's like a normal riot shield, but it doesn't need batteries.

Now I kind of wonder what the ones that do need batteries are like

>>13639408
Fucking LOL

>It's a kettle! It is perfectly safe to use!

Surprisingly useful after the apocalypse!

>It's an oven that flies like a rocket, inflates into a dinghy and responds to temperature changes.

Holy shit, I can travel on water AND air?

>It's a razor that makes amusing belching noises! It automatically avoids obstacles.

A razor that won't shave and makes funny noises, if I could find a way to reproduce it I'd be rich. There's still room for a laugh after the apocalypse right?

>>13639411
Man, I think the apocalypse just trolled you.

>It's like a normal barcode reader, but it can help you lose weight.

But I'm already starving..!

>It's a samurai sword! It removes stubborn stains!

yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

>condom is a hole-punch that anticipates your every move, increases your sex appeal and is slightly hallucinogenic.

Where can i get those?!

It's a gas-mask that folds out into a tent, plays a mean game of Go and weighs less than a packet of cigarettes.

Holy shit, I think I'm reasonably safe.

>It's a T-shirt that dispenses pills and is actually just a solid block of plastic.

Onve again something I'll use to get high but instead of weed it will be mdma.

>>13639425

Wait, so does it work when it heats up, or does it heat up while it's working? Or is it recursive...

>It's a suitcase that's heavier than it looks and has been blessed by a priest.

Any vampires in this apocalypse are gonna get FUCKED UP!

>dakold ascending,

>It's a rocket launcher that makes money fast, makes reassuring noises and records memos.
Launch rockets, make money.

>It's a chocolate bar! It connects to the Internet!

Fuck yeah!

>It's a tricycle that dissolves in water, can bring down an elephant and can be implanted into the arm.

MY ARM IS AUGMENTED TO KILL ELEPHANTS WITH A TRYCICLE

>It's like a normal stick of chewing gum, but it improves upper-body muscle.

ROID RAGE. NOW I CAN BE LIKE AHNULT.

>>13639411
>It's a first-aid kit that can be controlled remotely! It secretes a sticky glue.


troll-aid strikes again

>It's a glass bead that's ten feet tall! It makes amusing belching noises and glows with an eerie green light.
wh-

>>13639446
It's raining munnay!

It's a gas-mask that can play chess, defies gravity and looks really, really good.

kind of useful i guess

>ps3 is a barcode reader! It crushes ice.

Tee hee.

>It's a toilet seat that unblocks drains, tells you when it's ready and doubles as a fax machine.
>tells you when it's ready

OH GOD WHY AM I LAUGHING SO HARD

>>13639456

>It's a mattress that's laced with vodka!
I'm so tired...but so delightfully drunk

>It's a rocket launcher that sends and receives faxes and keeps food fresh for up to eight weeks.

The perfect survival tool.

>It's like a normal penknife, but it cures all known illnesses.

Looks like someone is going to become messiah of the wastes. (thats someone is me)

>It's a cricket bat that recites haiku! It vibrates and keeps drinks hot.


I heard about singing swords and sentient weaponry, but this is silly. Oh well, I hope it knows really good ones.

>It's a towel that has a mind of its own! It shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger and stretches to twice its original size.

Actually might be useful, if not for the sentient thought part. This fucker will just get me killed...

>It's a sock that talks, emits dangerous radiation and emits harmful gases


GOD DAMN IT cut me a break already

It's a wristwatch that's invisible to the naked eye!

>THEN WHAT'S THE POINT

>It's like a normal blow-up doll, but it quacks like a duck.

My post apocalypic life will be full of fun.

>It's a football that's made of rubber and is made of glass.

Oh dear.

>>13639485

This made me actually actually lol

>It's a sticky label that looks like a pot-plant! It follows a target of your choice and can move faster than the speed of light.
Watch the fuck out.

>It's like a normal featureless cube, but it folds away when not in use.
wat

>It's like a normal suppository, but it self-replicates.

Good news, Its a suppository

>>13639479

HG2TG strikes again!

>It's a chocolate bar that loves you as a person!

I love you too, chocolate bar. :3

>It's a contact lens that repairs itself, dispenses tea or coffee and can pick locks.

Decent survival gear.

>It's like a normal robot, but it communicates with wireless devices.

Miku with Wi-Fi or bluetooth? Don't know if want..

>It's a laser-printer! It can be taken apart and reassembled in thirty seconds!

Don't know much printing I'm going to need to do in a post-apocalyptic society, but it seems like it will be easy to carry around at least.

>It's a robot that's fully recycleable! It remembers all of its past actions and fetches help in the event of an emergency.

A little bit too convenent, I can't trust it.

>It's a bathtub that works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect!

So...would I just get dirtier, or would it fill with shit?

>It's like a normal shoe, but it affixes to any flat surface.

The fact that it is only a single shoe makes it a whole lot less useful. Still I could do some cool moves with it, I guess.

>It's a pair of sunglasses that holds up to twenty cigarettes! It doesn't take no for an answer and freezes anything it touches.


Now thats some Cool Shades

>It's a pot plant that tells you when it's ready! It is only visible under ultraviolet light and runs on tapwater.

This is the most useful thing ever.

>It's a postage stamp that's not suitable for children and recharges itself at night.

Infinite postage of dubious nature!

>It's like a normal robotic dog, but it purifies water.

Warforged Cleric 1

>It's a television set that destroys household pests, plays Sokoban and jams mobile phone frequencies.
Hey, that's not too shabby.

>It's a retinal implant that unblocks drains! It operates on a quantum level.


quantum bowl movement?

>It's a kettle that dissolves in water, jumps like a frog and hovers three feet from the ground.
So, um, yea. Cool.

>It's a fork that can be taken apart and reassembled in thirty seconds and obeys simple instructions.

KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

>It's a robot that crushes ice and has a human brain inside.

Oh dear god. I hope to the love of god it doesn't grow attached to me for granting it freedom, last thing I need is a RoboBrain that would destroy my stash of drugs.

>t's an artificial limb that shreds documents!

I'll call myself... Shredder!

>It's an answering machine that can be used by children, keeps food fresh for up to eight weeks and is water-resistant.
Mother fucking jack pot.

>It's a rickshaw! It uses human blood for fuel!
Ok, i'm chuckling like a motherfucker here.

>It's a wristwatch that dispenses tea or coffee! It repels bees and disinfects work surfaces.

Sweet

>It's a pair of trousers that does exactly what it says on the tin! It counts your loose change.

That's fucking useful.

Design #1760455229
It's a hairpiece that catches fire very easily, can move faster than the speed of light and operates on a quantum level.

So, it can move at speed of light but I'd assume resulting friction will cause it to light on fire, all the time.

MY HEAD IS ON FIRE

>It's a letter-opener that's programmed against harming humans, uses human blood for fuel and mimics its user.

So, I have a pacifist vampire that looks and acts exactly like me and can open letters.

Yay?

>It's a knife that sings comical songs and speaks randomly-generated sentences.

The singing knife, what an accursed artifact, it has been known to drive men crazy with its inane talk and songs of dry wit.

>It's a blow-up doll that tells you when it's ready, can be implanted into the arm and traps small animals.

Hey, >>13639450, with our powers combined we could rule the world.

>It's a blender that shoots laser beams! It keeps track of your personal calendar.

Must be wireless too...

>It's an iMac that looks better than it sounds!


so I get a pc?

>Design #574723313

>It's a freezer that increases your sex appeal, runs on compressed air and can be used by children.

Great if you're pedophile. Putting children in the freezer, and watching them become sexy.

>It's a wafer-thin plastic sheet that can be assembled from common household parts and craves attention.

Could be good for company.

>>13639518

>It's a chocolate bar that's audible only to dogs! It can be used as a metal detector and is invisible to the naked eye.

No one can hear my invisible chocolate!

>It's a newly-discovered breed of fish that sounds better than it looks! It can pick locks and moulds vegetables.

How do I get it to pick locks from the fishbowl?

>It's a hat that has a million household uses! It catches flies and has a retro 70s design.

Time to become the new Don

>It's an alcoholic drink that knows what you want before you do, disposes of kitchen waste and can bring down an elephant.

This is the best drinke ver.

>The Schwissmeiss is a pair of sunglasses that records everything you say and sends and receives faxes.

>>13639571
>No one can hear my invisible chocolate!
I laughed. SO HARD.

I'm pretty sure I disturbed the guy in the apartment next to mine.

>>13639518
9000 hours in photoshop.

>>13639575

Are you sure you want to drink that? Knowing it could take down elephants, the alcohol content is more than likely to kill you.

>Das Fpecialty Opkown is a blow-up doll that works at any altitude! It dehumidifies the air.

... Gonna need a lot of lube for this one...

>It's a handheld razor that explodes when dropped! It waters your plants.

Haha, I got water and crops. Plus I'm always well shaved! Suck it, bitches! *fumbles* oh shi- BOOM!

>It's a chainsaw that stays sharp forever, mimics its user and inflates into a dinghy.
Let's cross the river in my chainsaw dinghy! No, it's perfectly safe, jump in. I'll start the motor.

>>13639588
No need to worry, the drink would know whether he wants to or not.

The Internet....

>It's a suppository that dissolves dirt, has a built-in alarm clock and is water-resistant.

....
WHAT MEDICINAL VALUE DOES THIS THING CARRY?!
IS IT SUPPOSED TO CURE EARTH RECTUM?!

>It's a penknife that can heat a small house and kills all known germs dead.

That's... really useful, actually.

Design #642378957

It's a sandwich-toaster that's built and maintained by tiny nano-robots, shoots laser beams and jams mobile phone frequencies.

> It's a pair of roller-skates that purifies water and feeds your pets.

Useful. Transportation, cleans water and feeds my pets. Though what on I am not sure.

> a teddy bear that dissolve sin water, detects radiation, and looks really really good.

I can see raiders trying to steal it for the gieger counter part of it, and it getting accidentally droppe dinto water while i scream "YOU FOOOOOOLS"

>Loctimed Reafon is a crematorium that connects to the web! It sorts your mail.

Do I really want something that burns at 1000F to be sorting my mail?

>It's like a normal electronic implant, but it induces lucid dreaming.

Oh. Fucking. Yeah.

>It's a pudding that emits dangerous radiation, produces 240v of electricity and folds away when not in use.
Awesome.

>>13639615

Bioradioelectric pudding... now in chocolate!

>It's a sofa that bounces! It freezes anything it touches and fires plastic darts.

Great ! . . . wait, i can't sit on it.

>It's a business card that doesn't need batteries!

>>13639518
fuck your shit i'm the king of sunglasses

>It's a handheld pair of sunglasses that rotates at high speed and looks like a fish.

>It's a housebrick that keeps your carpets clean, catches spiders and detects harmful gases.

Two of things would be useful, I guess.

>It's a key-ring! It stays exactly where you leave it!

An immovable keyring? How could that be even usefu-CLANGjinglejinglejingle

It's a wireless network device that runs on a single AA battery, produces pure oxygen and shreds documents.

Hell yeah, im selling fresh air for a living

>It's a newly-discovered breed of fish that has sleek curves! It catches small fish.

the high point of technology: fish that catch other fish

>Strong Stimince is a cricket bat! It doesn't always work!

wut

>It's a sofa that doesn't always work!

Lazy sofa don't want you to laze around all day.

>It's a speaker system! It probably won't work.

fuck

>Cocklard is a robotic dog! It is fully recycleable!

..............

>It's like a normal billboard, but it's made of solid gold.

Damnit. I'd be rich if I could lift the fucking thing.

It's a hat that tells you when people are lying! It fetches your hat.

>Dare Govemen is like a normal samurai sword, but it can be used as a metal detector.

You hit things with it, and if it doesn't cut through, 'yup, thats metal'

>It's a button-badge that's covered with realistic fur! It can move faster than the speed of light.

ULTIMATE WEAPON!

>It's a stick of chewing gum that fits into the boot of a car! It sticks to the ceiling like a gecko.

Gum? I get fucking GUM?!?!

>It's a scooter that displays pornography! It scares dogs.

What... what kind of pornography does it display?

>It's a parachute that tells you when people are lying! It repels bees and comes with its own storage kennel.

At least I got something somewhat useful. Marauders, cannibals, and bees aren't going to trick me any longer...

Plus, I'm sure I could fashion it into a makeshift tent!

>>13639657
Heh. A few minutes ago I got "it's a billboard that defies gravity and is made of solid gold".

>It's a handgun that keeps your breath fresh for up to twenty-four hours, disinfects work surfaces and may have harmful side effects.

harmfull side-effects... like death?

>>13639668
It scares dogs.

>> Design #706552643

It's a letterbox that produces 240v of electricity, dehumidifies the air and is biodegradable.


brb, conquering the world with my endeless electricity source.

>>13639673
Well, how else do you think it is supposed to freshen and disinfect? It -is- a handgun after all.

Death-Pez!

>It's a pen that hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet, remembers all of its past actions and catches spiders.

Huh... That's... I'm suddenly uneasy...

Design #488132768

It's a stereo system that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones! It stays sharp forever and produces hot tea or coffee.

Upon re-reading the description, HOLY JESUS CHRIST that is super useful.

>It's a mattress that can heat a small house, flies like a rocket and is different every time you use it.

...I guess at least I have comfortable transportation and a warm place to sleep no matter what?

Design #2275678974

It's a razor that destroys household pests! It provides an RSS feed and remembers your personal preferences.


This will be useful...

>The Mitioria Army is a fork that has a built-in motion sensor! It is unbreakable and produces pure oxygen.

Guys, I think I just found the ultimate weapon for.... BIG BOSS!

>>13639673

>Mfw shotgun mouthwash

>>13639692

And upon reading Wikipedia on James Earl Jones; DARTH MOTHERFUCKING VADER IS MY STEREO, BITCHES.

>Ruby Quest is a letterbox that catches spiders!

>Iron Quest is an umbrella that can emulate a ZX Spectrum! It looks really, really good.

>Tau Quest is a car! It collects litter!

>OP is a credit card that moulds to fit its user and squirts clouds of black ink.

>/tg/ is a fusebox that dehumidifies the air and is completely waterproof.

>4chan is a golf club that moulds to fit its user! It works upside-down.

>The Internet is an oven that comes with its own storage kennel!

>It's a jetpack that destroys household pests, hovers three feet from the ground and may cause drowsiness.

ha ha, I'm out of he- zzzzzzz

>>13639254
>It's a bubble-car! It plays light music!
if I can be sure of how to fuel the blasted thing then I should be able to get around the wastes in style

>It's an artificial limb that catches fire very easily.

All fear my wooden peg leg

>It's a bathtub that dissolves in water! It loves you as a person and talks.

"I'm afraid I can't let you take a bath, Dave."

> It's like a normal human clone, but it has a built-in alarm clock.

Got myself a slave it seems, and I wont be late for anything!

>It's a CD player that can be taken on holiday, works at any altitude and irons your shirts.

Well uh, at least I'll have music and nice shirts

>It's a barcode reader that cures all known illnesses, provides an RSS feed and keeps your breath fresh for up to twenty-four hours.

I think I can work with this.

Design #886403782

It's a WAP device that has an alarm setting, keeps your teeth clean and produces 240v of electricity.

Self powered tooth brush that connects to the internet? BRING IT ON!

It's a telephone! It never gets tired!

Telephone y u no stop calling?

>It's a diamond ring that glows with an eerie green light, costs less than £20 and lasts forever.

So basically, i'm the Green Lantern.

>It's like a normal bicycle, but it expands at the touch of a button.
LOOK UPON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR! FOR I HAVE A METAL HORSE!

>It's a saucepan that's heavier than it looks and pushes things down staircases.

I will be the terror of staircases.

>It's a headband that cures all known illnesses and follows a target of your choice.
ok yeah.

I can use this.

>It's a rocket launcher that keeps your teeth clean!

Fuck yeah.

>It's a housebrick that can be controlled remotely!

Sweet. I'd use it to patrol the premises around my camp, knocking down intruders. Also might be able to whack birds out of the sky for food.

>It's like a normal hi-fi, but it can bring down an elephant.

HAHA.

I dont know what this means, but it might be useful if i have to bring any elephants down.

>It's like a normal robotic dog, but it's used by the US military.

Yeah. Me and Scrambles the Death Dealer go on wacky adventures now. I think we'll be fine.

>It's an artificial limb that's unbreakable!

MY ARM! IT IS MADE OF STEEL! RIP AND TEAR!

>It's an umbrella that wears a waistcoat and tie! It can disable electrical hardware and produces 240v of electricity.

It's a fucking Jeevesbrella, bitches!

>It's a crematorium that induces lucid dreaming!

well, i have somewhere to sleep.

>It's a new type of vegetable that doesn't take no for an answer!

>wtfamireading

>It's a feather duster that shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger! It unblocks drains and dissolves dirt.

At least I'll be clean with the morlocs come to eat me

>It's a business card that contains alcohol and recharges itself at night.

I'll live.

It's a games console that's oak-panelled! It can disable electrical hardware.

Please let the gang I find to be a bunch of /v/idya addicts. Also I have a working EMP in the form of a console.

Cool!

>It's a teddybear! It fetches sticks!

I'm doomed, but damned if I'm not doomed in adorable style.

>It's a samurai sword that can pick up digital radio, disposes of kitchen waste and speaks randomly-generated sentences.

aww yeah

Design #2273327491

It's like a normal MP3 player, but it costs less than £20.

Fuuuuck.

>It's a hairpiece that can pick up digital radio, is oak-panelled and makes you invisible.

That'll do.

>>13640034
So it's basically just a normal mp3 player?

>It's a human clone that follows you around!

At best, companionship and someone to help you out. At worst, a few days worth of food.

>It's like a normal aquarium, but it receives data from any nearby marker pen.

Good if I want to spy on people, I guess.

>It's like a normal T-shirt, but it catches small fish.

Not sure if want.

>It's a fizzy drink that squirts water! It fetches help in the event of an emergency and flies like a rocket.

wat

I guess I won't be going thirsty, at least.

>It's a featureless cube that cannot be removed from your house! It displays pornography and can be used by children.

TIME TO LEARN HOW WE'RE REPOPULATE THE WORLD KIDDIES.

>It's a pogo stick that connects to a fork! It tracks its position with GPS and uses captured Martian technology.

......

>It's a dog collar! It's perfectly safe to use!
Fuck you too, fate.

Design #1037811563

It's a hat! It hovers!

.... the fuck

>It's a human clone that glows with an eerie green light!

Well, I'm fucked. I got a glowing one.

>It's a housebrick that makes reassuring noises!

So while I'm beating someone to death with it, I'll be nice and calm?

>It's like a normal human clone, but it pings when it's ready.

Cool beans. Clone army forever.

>It's like a normal pair of sunglasses, but it cleans itself.

I can work with this.

> It's a genetically-modified sheep that produces 240v of electricity! It has a built-in motion sensor and runs on tapwater.

I'm golden!

>It's a football that plays light music, keeps you warm at night and is invisible to the naked eye.


well... It is useful.

>It's like a normal handgun, but it rotates at high speed.

THEY CALL ME..... REVOLVER OCELOT.

>It's like a normal walking stick, but it's better than the last one.

IN YOUR FACE, >>13639280

>It's a digital camera that looks like a pot-plant and is powered by a single hamster.

That's hilarious!

>It's a diamond ring that produces 240v of electricity! It can disable electrical hardware..

Now that's a useful spy tool.

>It's a genetically-modified sheep that doubles as a fizzy drink, takes high-quality digital photos and detects evil.

Right...

> It's an ironing board that's made from recycled cardboard!.

Snake?? SNAAAAAAAAKEEEEEEE!!!

>It's a robotic dog that can pick up digital radio, dispenses pills and makes virtually no noise whatsoever.

Painkiller dispensing, stealth robo attack dog! Damn near perfect companion...

>It's a toilet seat that detects harmful gases! It gets +2 to kill undead and sends and receives text messages.

Why can't it be a zombie apocalypse?

>It's a normal contraceptive device that affixes to any flat surface.

Well. That certainly sounds...useful.

>>13640126
Golden Fleece of the Androids! It is the only thing they dream of!

>It's like a normal sheet of paper, but it can be used on the move.

Goddamnit

>It's a hole-punch that kills fleas, craves attention and has a built-in motion sensor.

"Hey Link! Hey Link! HEY! HEY!"

"WHAT?"

"Wanna see me put the punch on that flea over there?"

"NO"

"Aww... HEY LINK!"

>It's a rocket launcher that clamps to your wrist! It runs on compressed air.

I'm Boba Fett.

>It's like a normal screwdriver, but it bleeps when you whistle for it.

I would pay so much money for one of these right now.

>It's like a normal dog collar, but it exists in five dimensions.

Most dog collars, right? They only go to three dimensions. This one goes up to five.

>It's a hole-punch that cures all known illnesses! It moves from side to side and is water-absorbent.

That's actually pretty useful. Just like a shot.

>It's like a normal hi-fi, but it sticks to the ceiling like a gecko.

I could climb any surface just by high-fiving my way up. I'm gonna have brutal palms of fury.

>Design #597420169

>It's like a normal eraser, but it follows a target of your choice.

*shrug* I'll take what I can get.

>It's a lunchbox! It is twenty feet tall!

fucking stupid

>It's a human clone that lasts forever!
Awesome!
>It is smaller than a matchbox.
Dammit!

>>13640227
You are going to be so embarrassed when the hungry giant comes to trade and you've thrown your tech away.

>>13640095

"BRICK! BRICK! WE'RE KILLING HIM, HE'S DYING OH GOD OH GOD I'M A MURDERER, I'M A MURDERER....

>"KEEP CALM and CARRY ON"

>It's a sandwich-toaster that freezes anything it touches! It plays the theme from Sanford and Son.

Frozen toasted human sammiches. Looks like I need a fire to defrost it, though. Also, Sanford and Son, fuck yeah.

>It's a button-badge that mows your lawn and is made entirely of wood.
It'll be useful for exploring thick grassland.

>It's a pair of underpants that requires a sample of DNA! It will drive you insane and tells you when it's ready.

...

Ready for what?

>It's like a normal blow-up doll, but it can be programmed to perform simple tasks.

Hehehehehe

>>13640235

I can see /d/ wanting this for a fair price...

>Design #919375807
>It's a burglar alarm that gets +2 to kill undead! It works at any altitude and can speak French.

Safety, Security, and can talk to the french in case they survived. All told, pretty handy, especially in the case of zombies.

>It's like a normal teddybear, but it's made of rubber.

What am i go...

It's a Christmas tree that spins about its axis!

That's just about the most useless thing ever. Awesome.

>It's a window pane! It speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones!

Yessssss.

>Design #3513482066
>It's like a normal blender, but it spins about its axis.

Somehow, I feel cheated.

It's a dog collar that hovers three feet from the ground! It plays a selection of current chart hits.


BABY, BABY, BABY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

>It's an explosive device that makes reassuring noises! It crushes ice and can only be operated by a trained professional.

well fuck me, at least it makes reassuring noises

>It's a human clone that shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger and comes in seven different colours.

Thats awesome but pic

>It's an ironing board! It will not work outside of the UK!

What is this I don't even

>Design #2439769188

>It's like a normal beermat, but it can bring down an elephant.

What is this a beermat that can kill things score.

>>Design #1492845035
>>It's a toaster that pings when it's ready!

I got a regular toaster.

>It's a milk carton that connects to the Internet! It purifies water and can light cigarettes.

Clean water, no problems getting a campfire going and access to what's left of the internet? Aww yeah.

>It's like a normal robot, but it loves you as a person.

>logicians: Lispilde

>It's a screwdriver that destroys household pests! It can disable electrical hardware.

Fantastic.

>It's a coffee cup that uses human blood for fuel! It detects evil.

INFINITE COFFEE and also protection against psycho cannibals I guess.

It's a robotic dog that has a leopardskin print, runs on tapwater and can bring down an elephant.

>It's a genetically-modified sheep that dispenses tea or coffee! It communicates with wireless devices.

Awesome! Food, water, and wool all in one, and I can use it to call people! I just don't want to think of where the tea and coffee comes from.

>It's a riot shield! It dispenses pills!

PILLS HERE

>Libberal Quality

And it was made by those godless communists!

Design #3485934461

>It's like a normal sticky label, but it can move faster than the speed of light.

I'm outta here.

>>13640435
>INFINITE COFFEE and also protection against psycho cannibals I guess.

No John, you are the Cannibals.

>five dimensional golf club that never runs out of plastic darts that it fires.

Unlimited ammo, that could definitely be useful.

It's a freezer that freezes anything it touches! It freezes anything it touches.


ICE NINE ICE NINE

>It's a unicycle that glows in the dark, works at twice the normal speed and doesn't take no for an answer.

WE'RE DOING THIS MAN

LET'S GO

MAXIMUM SPEED CAN'T STOP THIS

>It's a sticky label that improves upper-body muscle and uses human blood for fuel.

I, uh, huh. I guess I found the Label of Khorne. Khorne wills I slaughter everything in my path for maximum strength, apparently.

>It's like a normal samurai sword, but it has a million household uses.

It slices, it dices, and it can still cut a tomato.

>It's a letter-opener that has been blessed by a priest, detects evil and automatically updates your weblog when used.

>It's a blow-up doll that clamps to your wrist! It moves from side to side.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

>It's an eraser that connects to the Internet, shoots laser beams and never needs repairing.

FUCK YEAH

I can mutafuck erase yo face, and see some pronz yo

>It's a penknife that talks! It runs on compressed air and won't make a hole in your wallet.

HAHAH FUCK YALL I GOT A TALKING KNIFE

>It's a blender that can speak French! It counts your loose change and plays the American national anthem.

A blender that speaks to the french, but only to piss them off.

>It's a human clone that talks and keeps you warm at night.

Aww.

>It's an iMac that's made of solid gold, swears and scans its user's fingerprints.

Why the fuck would I steal a mac from a rapper on parole?

I had some kind of hearing aid which can play the trumpet and remember past actions... wut?

When i try to find it again...
>hearing aid is like a normal bracelet, but it responds to temperature changes.

Well... thats a fail...

>It's a hair gel that emits harmful gases! It is audible only to dogs and pushes things down staircases.

It's the end of the world and even my hair gel is trying to kill me.

Design #1370657202

>>It's a screwdriver that contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica!

Well at least I will be a well-read scavenger.

>It's a bar of soap! It increases your sex appeal!

>>13640519
>BRB KILLING THE ARMIES OF DARKNESS

>>13640539
D'awwww

>>13639284
>It's a samurai sword that self-replicates! It communicates with other copies of itself.

We could rule the world with an Iron fist!

>>13640592
>It's a pogo stick that walks on three mechanical legs! It is slightly hallucinogenic.

w.. wha..

>It's an airbag! It knows your name!

I'm just gonna assume it talks. For d'awww purposes.

"Damn it. The food is spoilt already."
"Johnny!"
"Are you sure? I mean, I'll get sick if I eat this."
"Johnny!"
"You're right. I'm too hungry be choosy."
"Johnny!"
"Oh Mr. Airbag, you are the only one who knows my pain."
"Johnny!"

>It's a genetically-modified sheep that can be assembled from common household parts! It rotates at high speed.

Excellent. I can go scrap hunting and by the end of the day have a wool coat and some fresh mutton for dinner.

It's a false moustache that glows with an eerie green light! It is unbreakable.

HA HA, YES.

>It's a pudding that works at any altitude and smells a bit funny.

That's...

huh?

Design #4193681729

It's like a normal fork, but it will not work outside of the UK.

>It's a toilet seat that has been featured in Star Trek!

>>13640669
>It's a hairpiece that glows with an eerie green light. It is unbreakable.

You and me, buddy, we're going places.

>>13640671
In other words, it's a perfectly normal pudding?

In the same vein:
>It's a gas-mask that's water-resistant and is made of rubber.
>It's a soft-drink can that's perfectly safe to use and has no moving parts.

>It's a T-shirt that hovers three feet from the ground!

...I'm fairly sure there's an invisible man following me wearing nothing but a T-shirt.

>It's a fusebox! It can only be operated by a trained professional!

Well, I am a trained electrician.

What the hell am I going to do with a fuse box?

>>Design #919035964

>>It's a contraceptive device that sticks to the skin!
>>It doesn't always work.

Oh great.

>>It's a hairpiece that has been featured in Star Trek!

I have got Shatner's wig! Repeat I'VE GOT THE SHAT'S WIG!

>Design #215854776

>It's a pair of sunglasses that can be used by the whole family, is made of rubber and sends and receives text messages.

Ill keep it in the "Maybe" pile

>It's a Skateboard that hovers!

NOW TO MAKE LIKE A TREE, AND GET OUTTA HERE!

>It's a knife that's used by the US military and repairs itself.
>It's a knife
>and repairs itself

im safe

>It's a carpet that operates on a quantum level! It is made of solid gold and waters your plants.

Hmm, bit heavy to carry around.

>It's like a normal office whiteboard, but it produces hot tea or coffee.

Holy shit! I am now the God of Caffeine in this Wasteland.c

>>13639615
just returning from earlier, if i eat the pudding do i then do these things? cos being able to electrocute people sounds pretty useful, and give them cancer.

>It's a cigarette lighter that detects background radiation!
sweet. always good to know if you are about to take a walk into a radioactive area.

>detects background radiation
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF the thing will never shut up. well, at least i can use it to light camp fires.

>Design #1938492048
>It's a rickshaw that traps small animals, doesn't take no for an answer and sticks to the ceiling like a gecko.

Can we pleeeease come down from the ceiling now? All the blood has run to my head and the animals you caught have fallen out...

>Design #2525212536
>It's a sheet of paper that contains a tinier version of itself! It doubles as a tricycle.

How mankind has fallen...

>It's a toaster that stays sharp forever, pushes things down staircases and runs on compressed air.

IT KEEPS HAPPENING