"I knew I shouldn't have signed for the dental plan."

Oh, I was thinking forty virgins and maybe a date tree.

Death by wealthiness, longevity and oversexing, ideally. Although I can trim it down to the last part, if that's amenable to Your Highnessness. Ma'am.

If I were to venture a guess, I'd say you shouALLAH ACKBAR!

Why the fuck are you taking out onto me the consequences of another mans actions?

It's not like his dumb ass will learn anything new from any amount of suffering of myself.

God damned stupid women.

"Not my problem but get in my way and I'll kill you off.

Why? I'm a pc bitch and the luck god favors me tonight"

"What if I told you that the said lord's head is in my backpack? Would that give me any chips to bargain with?"

>>14965693

Good! Hit her with double-reverse psychology! Great plan, that!

Just delivering a message.
>I prepared explosive runes today.

>>14965662

Well, I had hoped, your Highness, that when the time came you would not reduce yourself to the cruel and petty nature of my Lord, but your statements have proven otherwise.

I can only assume I shall be misused by your rather large royal guardians, before being thrown in to the wilds.

A shame the Gods never grant power and mercy to the same beings, and thus deny them true Greatness. But I understand. You are mortal, as are we all, and entitled to your wrath. I will bear your mistreatment as I bore my lord's: poorly, and painfully, and in the end futilely.

i'm holding a thermal detonator.

>>14965720

Uh, forgive him, Your Worshipfulness! He has been touched by the sun, and knows not of what he speaks!

(Where are you going with this? Are you TRYING to get us killed?)

>>14965662
>your lord
What?
No, no. There has been a terrible mix up.
I'm a defector. I was against that guy from the start.

>activate Dead Eye
>mark head
>empty all six cylinders worth of .45 Long Colt
>tip hat and walk away like a boss

"It is very simple. I was obviously sent to die. What you chose to do to me is your choice - I was merely sent to do the duty no other person would deign or dare to have done." Weighty pause. "If you should chose me to suffer as did your own emissary, I must of course submit to your orders....I am at your mercy as she was at his. I only ask that your words be sent to my lord in some manner, so that he knows what manner of dragon he has roused with his idiocy."

Kneel, head down.

"I am at your disposal."

"Burn as the stars burn; Burn on after they die. Never to the peace of ashes. Out of sight and succour. From men or gods or ghost: To the ends of time, burn."

>>14965738

It's true, Your Honor; we said very nasty things about him when his back was turned.

Yorick, tell the Grand Abbotess what you said about Lord Renly's hair.

(Come on, don't leave me hanging!)

Running. My fate is running until you lose interest.

One day's march from Moscow is ten thousand years of hell, fool. Do to me as you'd like - my faith in my motherland is what makes me strong.

Tak Bylo, Tak Yest'i, Tak Budet Vsegda.

Forgive me, my Lady, I am but a humble---

Wait a second. How many of us are here, anyway? Shit man, Larry, is that you?

"Man, I'm not even from that country. I was just hired as a messenger."

>>14965757

"Like the droppings of an incontinent owlbear," I believe my words were, sir.

"Today, I prepared a spell that would open a portal to the Abyss when I said the word."
The word is "word", in case you didn't get it.

>>14965765
>One days march away
Little do we know, we already destroyed our own capital.
Problem, Frenchmen?

>>14965775

Bob! I didn't know Lord Renly hired you, as well!

How many couriers does to take to send a single message?

>>14965662
...My lady, you seem to be confused. We're the diplomats from Assholia.

Honestly, we were somewhat hoping you'd invade us instead.

>>14965736
(Either she falls for fairly blatant reverse-psychology, or we die middle-finger raised. My only other idea was pull a Scheherazade with lies about treaures/secrets we know our lord hid. Who knows, maybe she likes back-bone?)

rolled 6 + 6 = 12

>>14965662
To roll initiative and draw my sword

>>14965787
No, no, no, Larry, you got it wrong again. Bird is the word, remember? That way, we don't accidentally summon up demons at inappropriate times!

>>14965798

That's strange, because Bob, Larry, Peter, Yorick and I are all from Douchburg. How is it in Assholia? I've heard you've had some nasty weather lately.

"The nethermost caverns are not for the fathoming of eyes that see; for their marvels are strange and terrific. Cursed the ground where dead thoughts live new and oddly bodied, and evil the mind that is held by no head. Wisely did Ibn Schacabao say, that happy is the tomb where no wizard hath lain, and happy the town at night whose wizards are all ashes. For it is of old rumour that the soul of the devil-bought hastes not from his charnel clay, but fats and instructs the very worm that gnaws: till out of corruption horrific life springs, and the dull scavengers of earth wax crafty to vex it and swell monstrous to plague it. Great holes secretly are digged where earth's pores ought to suffice, and things have learnt to walk that ought to crawl."
Then we remove our mask.

>>14965814
Raining fiery death again, as usual. Nice weather for picnics and such--or for invasions! Great weather for invasions. Keeps the soldiers nice and warm.

Did I mention we've got a 2-for-1 sack sale going on? Sack one decrepit village, and you get another one sacked for free!

>>14965812
"I changed it to be an asshole today. So, everybody just ignoring the hordes of demons, then?"

Look you backwards cunt, the "King" gave me some sort of missive or another, I haven't even read it yet. Frankly, I came here because I was so sick of his stupid shit that I wanted to see just how deep shit he had gotten himself into before I left his dumb ass to die in his palace and reported back to Antioch.

Oh how fucking wrong I was to come. Here I thought he had poked a respectable ruler and that we might be able to talk, I thought he had pissed in Atilla's soup, or tipped over Mithradites' whore-table. But no, instead, he attacked you.

You're fucking nobody. You're just him with tits, the same snarky faux-autocrat bullshit, the same bombastic monologues, the same condescending posturing. I'm a citizen of Rome you dumb cunt, if you want to kill me, you'd better pick out an outfit to wear at Marius's triumph, and be sure to pick one with a closed neck so that they can't see the bruises after they garrote you on the senate steps.

Fuck me, you know we were a week away from liquidating the last king and replacing him with a governor? No, obviously we need a psychopath like him on the frontlines or else we'll be at war all day every day.

>>14965804

(Honestly, the back-bone wasn't the bone I was hoping she'd have a hankering for, if you catch my drift.)

Uh, Your Exaltedness? Might I have a word with my fellow couriers for a moment?

Splendid.

ITS NOT MY FAULT!

>>14965841
So, when do we give her the note with the explosive runes?

>>14965836
We, the representatives of Assholia, do thank you for the "whores devours" or whatever they're called. The free food, I mean. Haven't had demon in weeks.

To be frank, and considering the circumstances I have little reason not to be, my life is in your hands. If you see fit to hold me responsible for the responsibility of my lord, that is a decision I'm powerless to abate.

If I were to have my choice, and again I say this with complete frankness, I'd leave this tent peacefully and run from this place. I'd hide myself away in some quiet little cubby until this entire unpleasantness is done and over with. Perhaps once the fires of war have cooled I can start again with a new life, no longer serving a mad-man out of a sense of patriotism for a land that I'm no longer sure deserves it.

It is your decision, however. But whatever your decision, know this. I've no intention to sell my life short, and I promise you that I will hurt you gravely before I breath my last. And in doing so I hope you learn something of the determination my people will display if you truly put us against the wall.

>>14965834

Ooh, very nice. I've heard great things about Assholia's villages. "Picturesque" was the word that kept coming up, wasn't it, Yorick?

>>14965857

Indeed, sir.

>>14965846
Nothing is ever your fault Jelena, yet you are always here!

"Well, I'm hoping you're a better lord than mine is, and that you won't stoop to killing the messenger.

I'll give you all his troop deployments if you let me live."

To unleash the abomination I keep inside my form that feeds off of brutal rape? I mean, that's what I figure, given I'm here now.

>>14965836

Well, Larry, you didn't prepare a spell to control the Demons, so I'm going to ignore them until one of them starts to do something to me personally, and then I'm going to kick its demonic ass with my father's holy sword to set a lesson to the others.

God the life of ne'er-do-well noble's son is difficult. Not, I hasten to add, as difficult as your life, noble Empress. Merely that being bound with such fools on a suicide mission rankles my sensibilities.

Any chance we can make a fair arrangement on the "servitude" front? I assume this is mainly a women and children affair, but could we keep the scribes? Always so irritating when invaders kill scribes makes a mess of the records for a couple decades.

If you like, I can get a general inventory of the Kingdom's assets, so you know exactly what you've gained.

"Excellent speech your highness I'm sure you'll have the poor sap shaking in his boots. Now I would say that it might help if you adjust the lighting a bit and you were to sit up straight, though I will admit the casualness of your posture does carry a certain air of... hmm I shall I say this, ah yes, apathy, as if you've already decide his fate and merely wish to make him realize the gravity of his lord's belligerent attitude. Actually if you're going to that type of feel I would suggest a cup of tea to go along with, it would really drive the point home I think."

>>14965849
Fuck, the Assholians ate the secret demon strike package. Do you have any idea how much those cost?

>>14965847

(Damn it, man, not so loud!)

(Alright, I have a cunning plan: First, we lure Her Ladyship into a false sense of security by serenading her with classic bardic melodies; then, while she slumbers, we condition her using modern psychiatric methods to view us with the utmost affection. Sound good?)

>>14965862
"Apocalyptic" was another word that kept coming up, I'm afraid. As did "malevolent."

>>14965849
Er, they don't stop coming, mate. Would you mind letting them do horrible things to the murderous broad in front of us?

>And as for you, my good emissary… what do you suppose your fate should be?
I don't suppose anything. I shall go down in history as the dude who took out the she bitch.(cue fight music)

"You'll let me go. Or you'll kill me. Either choice suits my needs."

"You see, my dear, either option will fit, for my soul is as black and tainted, because such a way to power was the only one offered to me. I clawed my way from nothing, nothing at all. But there is power in blood, and there in the dark corners of the earth.

"If I live, I will continue to fight, and slay, and take strength from those I slay. You may burn the kingdom. I will gain strength from this as well. Or maybe we will throw you back, and I will gain strength from the slaughter that is sure to follow.

"Maybe you will slay me, and I will go to that dark place, and spend time unknowable to you clawing my way up an infernal hierarchy. But claw up it I will, and one day I will return to haunt you in a way you cannot imagine, bloated on souls and dread power.

"Or maybe you will take me into your service, and I will be your champion, for now, as long as you conquer and destroy. Or maybe I will just leave, and that will be that.

"In the end, it doesn't matter, because no matter what you do, I will prosper. You are impotent to me, girl.

"They sent me because they fear me, because they want you to kill me. They do not see that would be just another step in my rise."

>>14965841

(A fair point, Alex, but we let Arcturus >>14965839 speak. Now the whole thing's tits-up.)

>>14965871
That's because it was one of those suicide things. Note the wanton destruction.
>>14965877
It's the Abyss, not the Hells. There is an infinite number, and the spell keeps up until certain conditions are met.

*snort* Ok, seriously though. Where's the king at? I don't have the time to waste standing around yammering with the help. This is a matter of national importance here.

*pokes around looking for hidden occupants*

Very funny. Haze the opposing nation's messanger. Can we all act like adults for a few moments, please? I've tickets for a show in a few days and if I leave soon I'll be able to get back home in time.

>>14965881

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Not many nations can pull off ominous organ music and dramatically spaced lightning strikes quite the way Assholia can.

>>14965898
(We claim Arcturus is from Thundercuntia. We're Douchburger representatives, and not responsible for the madman's rant. Everyone with me?

>>14965883
Oh, sure.

...Mind if I take home a doggy bag? The kids tend to complain if they don't get to eat every few days or so. Ungrateful buggers.

That's not to say that we're not full of food and riches, your highness! Practically swarming with the stuff! And we're literally swimming in gold! Its just right there, on the street, burning the shit out of everything! Anyone could just run up and take some!

...I'm sure some of its gold, at least!

>>14965839
...Damn it Rome, always you do this, we are having it mosts of the way figured out, and then you go with the cunts and the threats and the strangling.

Is this a bad time to reveal that I'm actually a construct filled with specially imported Assholian devil bees?

>>14965898

(We'll say it was sunstroke. It worked for >>14965720 Uriah there. But wait a minute, I thought YOU were our fearless leader. Lord Renly wasn't very specific.)

>>14965918
Every few days? Spoiled shits. Out on the ash plains, we don't worry about food until the second month.

"And your fatal blunder, my dear, is assuming that my fate is in your hands."

At this point I congratulate my lord's brilliance of masquerading the nation's finest assassin as a groveling emissary.

>>14965929
>>14965916
...Jeeze. How many messengers did you invite to this meeting, your ladyship? It seems like every country on the continent's sent people here to get slaughtered!

>>14965929
Is there a good time to reveal that?

>>14965929

(Phil, did you take your medication? You know what the apothecary says will happen if you don't.)

>>14965933
(Look, I thought I was to come here alone. I didn't expect to find like at least three different delegations from different countries.)

>>14965918
I really don't care what you do with the demons or how little you notice them doing nasty things to you. The idea was for them to drag off little miss uppity cunt over there to a grisly fate.

>>14965916

(I just want to ask one question first.)

Milady? I don't wish to impugn your might, for clearly before you stand nearly forty representatives of over 5 countries, all about to be brought to heel. Fantastic work, by the way.

I really just want to know: Did you send all the virginal singing messengers out at once, or was it a piecemeal sort of system? Because sending out the others once the first came back mistreated seems slightly cruel, unless you wanted the girls to be mistreated.

>>14965946
(Fuck if I know, must be in the Manual of Protocol somewhere.)

Do with me as you wish. I have no interest in the feuds of nobles, no stake in the expansion and destruction of fiefdoms, nor any use for what a life of servitude or even of power would befit me. I was sent to deliver a message and that is what I have done; my mission is complete and from this point my services are once again for hire. If you would have need of an assassin, a messenger, a soldier or a tactician then I would offer my services to you in exchange for my life. If you would not wish my talents to be bestowed upon your forces then I would ask you grant me my leave with my life -- you may take from me what you will, but I would request I be left intact enough to continue to function in my profession.

>>14965940
Ah, the ash plains! Lovely country! I should send them there, that'll teach them. Know of any good pits I can leave them in?

>>14965913
Ominous music and lightning are our primary exports. Well, that and the devil bees, but we don't talk about those.

>>14965951

By my count, there are twelve from each country, sir. Doucheburg, Assholia, Thundercuntia, Twatistan, Prickalaysia and the West Cuntry are all represented, sir.

>>14965662

Going on the assumption that your intent is focused on equivalent reciprocation, I would have to say that you will be unable to carry out your presumed designs.

I say this because I only possess one of three required properties that would enable such a retributive act, that being my possession of a tongue.

The second, which is absent, is that I had already lost my virginity. Also, due to the nature regarding my sex, there wouldn't have been a stigma attached to its loss in the first place.

Secondly, I would have to actually be an emissary from the country you are currently at war with. Yes, I did admit that I was an envoy from that kingdom, and I also wore the finery of the station and produced the required proof, but that was only because I had subdued the representative and pilfered his effects while he was on his way here.

I apologize for the deception, but circumstances which I assure you are relevant to your continued interests demanded that I secure an audience with you.

That said, I would like to introduce myself as the ambassador of the Dead Kingdom of Ixaad, and liaison to it's last and eternal monarch, Queen Ixaad.

>>14965924
>>14965898
I'm sorry team, but you know how it is, 300 mile ride, every time I look down I see the roads are made of wood (un-fucking-believable) and then when I get here they won't even let me rape the serving staff!

I mean come on! Next they'll be saying the women here get first names!

>>14965975
(I was beginning to feel the place a little crowded, Yorick.)

>>14965943
"Oh Wait a Second... This missive is supposed to go to the Lady Anne Marie. I'm in the wrong damn Invasion Camp! Anyone else here for the Anne Marie army?"

>>14965946

Is there a good time to not reveal that?

>>14965962

(There was. But PHIL decided to EAT the bloody thing on the ride over. Although I think it said something about Larry being in charge. I could be wrong, though.)

A fitting end for that wretched country. I was getting bored with The King anyways, he was starting to feel REGRET of all things. Can you imagine? This looks like a nice country though. I can't wait to run it into the ground like all the others I've been to over the years. Oh, and I must thank you for the courtier, she made for a mostly... lovely sacrifice for Juiblex. So lovely in fact, that I still have a few hours of service left on this fellow..." I point behind me as an Elder Spawn of Juiblex seeps up through the floor

"WHO WANTS SOME ROYAL DICKIN- oh sorry sweety... I uhh... didn't know you had... guests. Wow... awkward. Look I'll just uh... get outta your way ok? I'm sleeping on the couch for the next month aren't I?"

>>14965983

Indeed, sir.

>>14965946
I dunno, really.
>>14965948
Sorry to spring this on you, but Phil was eaten by zombies in that little plague. I have his memories implanted in me, and it would have been coupled with Dave's death curse
>>14965756
when they killed him.
Er, can I still do it? It's kind of my sole purpose.

I regret to inform you mistress, that I am a Class V protocol construct, and am thus not subject to attempts to intimidation. Implications of bodily harm hold no threat to me. That said, I hope you will reconsider your previous hostile stance, as your assumption of weakness on the part of my employers possibly be absurd if I had the capability to understand the human concepts of humor. Also, I speak through a fiendishly clever gnomish-devised voice box, so "cutting out my tongue" is not quite an option.

Whatever your suspicions on the motives of the Royalty, I can assure you with complete confidence that the terms I hold in my manipulators were crafted with complete sincerity, and my Lord has the utmost respect for you as a military leader, fleshly inferiority notwithstanding.

I ask, however, that if you're unwilling to discuss the terms of this armistice, you allow me a moment to transmit these wishes to my superiors, so all parties involved can be "on the same page" as it were.

>>14965975
Six countries, the Ixaadi are here, apparently. >>14965980
Ball-less sodomites.

(I'm a damn Noble's son! The only qualifications I had for this job are my dad's holy sword and the fact that I convinced Lord Renly's daughter to sleep with me! I don't know what to do in this sort of thing. Poetry?)

>>14966004

Figures that Twatistan sent a bloody robot to do a man's work.

No offense, Yorick.

>>14966015

If I may remind you, sir, I am a golem.

(This is going to take a while to sort. Anyone brought a pack of cards? Hopefully not a marked one this time, yeslarryiamlookingatyou.)

>>14965969
Hmmm, there's the Pit of a Thousand Spinebears with Barbed Penises, where if you fall in, you'd better get used to eating caustic, radioactive semen to survive very quickly.

>>14966020

Shut it, Yorick.

"Any of your guys mind if I take the robot. I always wanted to take one apart to see how it ticked."

>>14966033
Be nice, it's been a long day.

>>14966013
>I convinced Lord Renly's daughter to sleep with me!
That goes a long way to explaining why he sent you. How much you want to bet Rendizzle's halfway to Belgrade by now? He'll be doing coke off of Montenegrin tits while we're all breaking on the rack.

>>14966033

Very good, sir.

>>14966023
I've got one, but I think it's cursed.

(I had a pack, but I gave it to Dennis for safekeeping.)

>>14966015
No offense intended, honorable sir, but I know roughly 400 ways of saying "suck my highly chromed robotic cock."

I mention this only to illustrate the superiority of Twatistan engineering over the fallibility of organic negotiations and negotiators.

"GO MY ROBOT SPIDER MINIONS! GO AND SLAY THIS WENCH!"

And then I turn 360 degrees and walk away. I'm a fucking wizard, why was I serving someone else to begin with?

>>14966013
Well I'm from The Grand Isles of Motherfuckers, but i'm in the wrong invasion camp

>>14966035

(I had them, but Phil ate them on the ride over.)

>>14966035
Have to speak to a Twatistani for that, milord. We Douchebergers have only a golem, Yorick.

They're very easy to take apart, but incredibly difficult to put back together. So we'd appreciate it if you didn't.

(Welp, that's it for me then, isn't it? If the tart's married I can't seduce her! Well, I mean, I COULD, but I've got morals. Maybe I just need to sway the Emperor?)

>>14965662
Forgive me, your highness, but... Assholian devil bees often deflower and de-tongue their victims, before turning their internal organs into a hive nest and forcing them to carry the hive over to a densly-populated area.

My lord, his majesty the King of Assholian--Arseface, we call him most times--has told me that he has never had dealings with your government, and I confess, I don't recall meeting your messenger at the Royal Mud Edifice.

This may simply be an elaborate misunderstanding--one that could be alleviated by examining the messenger in question. Is she still in the area?

>>14966063

Alright, let's put it to a vote. All in favor of cutting apart Phil and retrieving the Manual of Formalities and Protocol AND my deck of cards, say "aye!"

You seem to have me mixed up with someone else. I'll just leave. Oh, don't mind the spiders, they're harmless.

>>14966041
Hey now, the Most Serene And Wise Lord Renly would never send his men in pitifully useless missions to-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't finish this.

Aye!

>>14966069
Aye!

>>14965662
Umm, I was just sent here from Tripballsia to negotiate a trade deal on our pipe-weed exports. Whats all this bad karma 'bout burning my kingdom to ash?

Take a puff of this, it'll calm you down.

>>14966069
Aye! Sorry, Phil, you know how it goes.

Aye.

>>14966026
Pfft. Radiation AND spinebears? The kid's'll love it--they'll think its a bloody holiday.

Thanks. I'll be sure to haul them over there as soon as we finish here.

I am a level 20 Diplomancer. Don't worry, you'll love being my slave.

>>14966084

I'm a racecar!

>>14966035
I regret to inform you, kind sir, that I am legal considered sovereign territory. If you wish to lease a Class V protocol droid of your own, please submit a request to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, 22357 Bridge Street.

Please note that a 6-8 week background check and mental hygiene screening is required prior to disbursement of all Class V droids.

Also, for accuracy's sake, I'm powered by very highly oscillating crystals and a series of finely crafted lenses. I unfortunately do not "tick".

>>14966041

(Oh Rendizzle, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.
1. You're a tool
2. You owe me 250 crown for proving I could bed your sister
3. I'm pretty sure you told your father I nailed your sister.
4. You look like a leper, and it ruins our chances when we go to the bar.
...I could go on, but it wouldn't be productive.
LARRY. Think of something! I'm dying out here!)

We are a Worm That Walks, from the Dickzantine Empi- holy shit this place is crowded. What's with the demons and the bees and the fire and explosions?

I would sit through this entire dialogue just to see the pan-over to the Queen's face as she watches this ship of fools.

>>14966094
>>14966086

How many Bobs are here?

I don';t know what's going on but AYE!

I wanna be named Bob now!

Say speaking of the queen, she hasn't said anything in a while.

>>14966070
Hey, minion! Get back to the quest thread, we've got EVIL to do!

>>14966099
Huh fancy that. How much do you usually cost?

>>14966107
A fucking gaggle of Bobs, that's how many.

PARTYYYYYYYYYYY

>>14966117

You can't be named Bob, Phil, you've already got a name.

Yorick, please butcher Phil for us.

>>14966102
To be fair to everyone involved, she's just as stupid for having everyone do this at once.

Also, if such a coalition could fight her acting like this, she should probably realize that giving them a united front to go up against is...ill advised.

>>14966120
Oh, and sing a song first.

>>14966101
Ahh. The Dickzantines, our erstwhile brothers! Don't think about it, just take a hit of this. It will all make sense in a moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qoCq-KsmZU

>>14966128

Very good, sir.

Wait, sir, there's something written on Sir Phillip's pantaloons.

>>14966067

You mean all of this is the bloody Assholes' fault?! Gods be Damned.

And I vote Nay. I never read the damn Manual, we'll be fine. And we may need to kill and eat Phil later if she exiles us to somewhere like Shitstainia.

>>14966101
I wish I knew, sirrah. One minute, I'm walking into this here palace, intending to trick--I mean bargain with the head honcho, as it were, for a nice big invasion into my home country. The next minute, the room's full of diplomat's, the Queen's accusing me of nailing her messenger, and devil bees are spreading all over the place!

Good food, though. Gotta thank her caterer.

>>14966136

Well, what do Phil's pantaloons say?

>>14966118
Don't worry about it, she tends to doze off when she's bored.

So which of you is tiger food because I kinda forgot to feed them last night.

>>14966090
Oh, you're not knowledgeable about our spinebears.
These ones are Greater Spinebears, large enough to have FIREMITES that eat your city spinebears whole. And when they rape you, you still can't die despite their prodigious size and boiling body heat.

War? No, milady, we were sent by His Majesty King Claudius of Denmark with this sealed letter and his nephew Prince Hamlet. Unfortunately, he has made it very clear to us that "man delights him not", so we won't be participating in any gang rape involving the other couriers.

>>14966139
But the cards! I'm itching for some good old Doucheburg Hold'em.

>>14966124
As I once heard the High Locutioner remark during a repast with the Arch Barion of Quim:

"If you have to ask, you can't afford one."

Respectfully, of course sir.

>>14965662

"My lady, you made a critical error in even allowing me entrance, and a far worse one collecting the majority of your generals here. This vest I wear conceals 30 pounds of explosive and thousands of steel ball bearings.

"What I do today, I do in the name of the strong overcoming the stupid. Die, idiot queen."

>>14966143

"I prepared explosive runes this morn -"

>>14966144
I believe it is that rampaging horde of demons, Imperial Highness. The Assholians can vouch for their taste and delicacy.

>>14966150
I LOVE Doucheburg Hold'em

>>14966155

And...

/thread.

>>14966146
Still beats home. Hells, maybe I'll take a vacation there, once this shindig is done.

Meantime, we still need to negotiate this invasion.

>>14966129
You know, she really should just invade Assholia. Honestly, it'd make everyone's lives a little easier.

>>14966132
Very well sire.

Open your eyes I see
Your eyes are open
Wear no disguise for me
Come into the open

When it's cold outside
Am I here in vain?
Hold on to the night
There will be no shame

Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

I think it's about time I used my gauntlets of ho slappin' to get the fuck out of here, because I don't have time to deal with this bullshit.

>>14966139
Once again, I should have excepted the irresponsible Assholians to almost start a pan-continental war, I ought t- >>14966133
...What were we talking about? I'm on a horse.

>>14966155
Oh shit I fucking lost it.

Someone archive this.

>>14966144
We ate the tigers. We hope this is not a problem, but we were peckish. Teir brains were especially delicious.
Dickzantium thanks you.

>>14966140
THERE'S FOOD?

ALL the Assholes and Cunties were blocking my view.

Fuck it all, the bees have gotten to the ham. And the demons have royally fucked this ice-swan.

I'm taking these deviled eggs, and will kill any creature that tries to fuck with them.

What's this about Phil's pants, Yorick?

>>14966154
Dude, did you not see the sign? NO EXPLOSIONS IN THE MEETING ROOM. It's not a suggestion you know.

>>14966171
Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

When it's cold outside
Am I here in vain?
Hold on to the night
There will be no shame

Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

>>14966133
dude, don't boggart my weed

>>14966177
>>14966139
Terribly sorry about that, sirs. Damn bees are impossible to keep in one place. Even the fifty-foot Titan Bears can't hold 'em, and they shoot lava out of every orifice.

>>14966192
Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

There. Done.

>This is my Lord.
Lady; are you in trouble.

>>14966201
Now do a dance.

"You serious? Look, lady, I don't really know a whole lot that goes on. My 'Lord' though, if you want to call him that, which I don't, since it annoys him, is singularly outstanding at leading men into battle. Our mages, his advisers, can shatter reality itself, summon hordes of demons, and crack the crust of the planet. His armies are built by the loving hand of his fellow Alchemical lord. The machines they wield are designed by one of the smartest men on this planet, brother to the necromancer that serves with them. A days march? You might as well be on the other side of the continent.

I've fought alongside these men for years and years. From the inn we met, to the kingdom they rule. I know, I don't look like something of their caliber. I have no lands, I command no men, and I cast no spells. I carry a blade, a shield, and a couple bits of metal.... And yet? Here I am. Right where I want to be. This was no meeting of peace, woman. I was sent for your surrender or your head. I'll leave with one of the two. Keep this shit up and I'll take both."

>>14966180
Oh really? I never would have expected the brains to be tastey.

>>14966190
Imperial Highness, the first Impromptu Douchburg Hold'em Invitational is about to begin. Are you in?

>>14966211
Really? Now? I'm not so sure.

>>14966196
HA! Back in my day, I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down rape gangs and torture squads, and pay rape gang and torture squad owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.' And you come 'ere and complain about yer titan bears.

>>14966221
Do. A. Dance.

>>14966226
This is not how I pictured my retirement going...

>>14966196
I regret to inform you, that as a duly appointed diplomatic construct I've knowledge of over 20 different species of flora and fauna, and "50-foot Titan Bear" is not listed among them.

I cannot posit why you would affirm as much, although one possibility is your infirm hyuuuuman brain meat has begin it's inevitable decomposition process. It is unfortunate that such a thing must strike one so young, I'm told, but death is apparently something of a given for organics such as yourself.

It is a shame you must be so silly during the process, however.

>>14966212
Chester stop fooling around and get back to cleaning the pool.

>>14966213
We are a... how do you individuals say it... connoisseur of brains. We would know.
For that matter, how would you like to become a Worm that Walks? Assuming you are a spellcaster, that is. Can you not feel the glory of the flesh? Do you not yearn to be free of the tyranny of the individual?

>>14966241
...hmmm... what kind of benefits you guys have?

Fuck you, the pool is fine. I told you, the green shi- plants only show up in healthy pools.

>>14966224
Well, I am trying to tone it down a bit--I'm trying to sell an invasion here, after all. Gotta get them into Assholia somehow, and talking about the rising prices on sulphuric acid and the bee-controlled rape gangs probably isn't going to convince them.

Tell you what... you help me get her ladyship to start an invasion, and we'll send some of the fat, tasty soldiers from it your way. Maybe even cook 'em for you--nothing beats a proper Assholian barbecue. That'll get Mum and Pops grave dancing, I assure you.

>>14966237
Twenty different species of plants and animals? There's more than twenty different species in THIS kingdom--hell, there's more than twenty different species in this room!

Tell you what, you come by and visit sometime, and I'll show you what I'm talking about.

This thread needs art now.

>>14965662

>female medieval prisoner wat do
>implying this isn't an elf slave wat do thread with its ears cut off
Choke on a dick, OP.

>>14966249
Well I guess you would know. So wanna go harass the peasants after this is over?

rolled 16 + 6 = 22

>>14966246
hey, hey, hey...

I'm freaking out man. what the fucks going on here?

>>14966246
You get to become nearly unkillable, get vermin-based powers, and become entirely made of worms. On top of that, you don't lose the ability to cast any spells you already can.
Haven't you always wanted to be a collection of dead thoughts that live new and oddly bodied, and an evil mind that is held by no head?
The process is that the soul of the devil-bought hastes not from his charnel clay, but fats and instructs the very worm that gnaws: till out of corruption horrific life springs, and the dull scavengers of earth wax crafty to vex it and swell monstrous to plague it. Great holes secretly are digged where earth's pores ought to suffice, so things have learnt to walk that ought to crawl.
Simple stuff, really. Good hours, too.

>>14966285
What'cho talking 'bout, Willis? This is a Horrifying Diplomatic Disasters Wat Do thread.

>>14966285
Hee.

>>14966287
No, I want to go sit in my filthy hovel and stare at my huge piles of money.

What kind of question is that? The only good thing to ask is 'human peasants' or 'everything else'.

I wonder what happened to OP.

Maybe our reactions scared him off.

>>14966254
Can I eat the boots, too? So tangy.

>>14966320
Of course! What sort of barbecue would it be if we took their armor and weapons off them first?

>>14966293
DUDE WHEN DID YOU GET HERE? Oh wait don't me she's delcaring war on you too!

...CHESTER DID YOU PUT THOSE PILLS I GAVE YOU LAST NIGHT INTO HER WINE? BECAUSE THOSE TOTALLY WEREN'T FOR YOU TO USE ON HER! THEY WERE FOR UHHH... ANY OTHER WOMAN REALLY. OR MAN. WHAT DO YOU FUCK ANYWAY?

>>14966265
<ERROR RESONANCE STACK OVERFLOW ADDITIONAL INPUT ATTEMPTED TO READ ONLY SECTORS ADMINISTRATIVE GEOMANCERS HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED>

I regret to inform you, GOOD SIR, that that is impossible. I contain within my memory the complete breadth of Twatistan's entire zoological and botanical studies and my entire node has been vouchsafed as experts in the field by no less than the General of Urban Zoology himself.

Say, I think the bitchy skirt is dead.
Anyone gonna eat/fuck that, or can I have it?

"Are you really a lady, or one of those man-ladies that your country is so full of?"

>>14966338
Fuck you guys, I called dibs.

Now fuck off, I'm gonna do things with her head.

>>14966339
No we keep those downstairs. You want one? They are only a couple hundred each. Preeeetty sweet deal. Oh and they're medically certified to not have, you know, dieseases and shit.

>>14966338
Eh... go for it. I'm full up on demon.

>>14966333
Twatistan only has twenty species in it? I thought their ecology was doing better than that. You guys still have those Humongous Beard Crabs wandering about the place? I used to have one of those as a pet when I was a kid.

>>14965662

Lady, I'm just the janitor.

>>14966346
Can I have the ass? I mean, it's swollen and burned and covered in demon seed and you're just going to fuck it anyways and not even eat it a little.

rolled 18 + 6 = 24

>>14966331
I dunno man, I just came here to sell some of our primo Tripballsian kush and she just starts puttin' out bad mojo like crazy

>>14966367
Fuck you, no way. It's MINE.

Besides, I was gonna bring her back to life so she can make me a sandwich.

>people trying to post badass speeches

>>14966377
You know, you could solve both these problems by bringing her back to life and then forcing her to make herself into two sandwiches.

>>14966371
She's probably PMS'ing and/or on some crazy pills again. Don't sweat it, it'll blow over.

It's like that time with the guy from that place ALL OVER AGAIN. Man that was a wild night. Glad I didn't lose my keys.

>>14966382
>diplomatic faux pas and cannibalism

>>14966385
Don't be stupid, that's...

Actually a really good idea.

Although, I am running low on sex slaves...

I can't fucking decide, dammit.

>>14966362
I believe your barbarian tongue does not quite grasp the subtleties of the superior Twatistanian dialect.

There is not now, and has never been a creature known has HUMONGOUS BEARD CRAB and such a creature was definitely not rendered extinct by runoff from the ROYAL ALCHEMY LABS.

>>14966356
Sir, little ones need lots of meat to grow big and strong. Where is the meat?

>>14966386
Uh, she sort of died. Horrifically. Sorry 'bout that.
>>14966385
But I want an ASS sandwich.

>>14966398
Uhhh. I guess you can take any of 'em really. Doesn't seem to matter to much me. Well I guess hold off on those worms guys, they seem pretty bro.

>>14966393
You know, you only really need the head and rear sections to make a sex-slave. There's plenty of meat left on the thighs, legs, arms, feet, hands, and ribcage.

>>14966395
What a pity. I suppose the runoff killed the Monstrous Living Pus-Beasts, too? Those things were so pretty.

So, what are these twenty creatures then? Just the Boring Beast and a few subspecies, or is there anything fun left?

If I might be so bold as to enquire, good sirs, but did the Arch Harlot pass away during our armistice negotiations?

If so, perhaps we should all sing a hearty round of Hail Twatistan as befitting such a victory over the forces of barbarism and inefficient commerce.

It is my fair opiniSOMEONE ARCHIVE THIS SHIT!

.....this is not where i parked my carriage.

also, your ladyship seems to have a smudge mark on your breast.

>>14966420
Nah, nevermind, you can have her. I just found a whole vault of sex slaves I forgot about. They haven't eaten in a while though, so they're really working at getting what sticky white protein they can.

>>14966426
I was probably just another double. We have like 50 of 'em and they were gonna get laid off anyway and it was either this or paying their unemployment.

Oh just get on with it. I've never been a fan of guessing. In the end, it doesn't matter.

>>14966426
If Twatistan is willing to take this victory as a signal that it needs to start conquering other countries, starting with Assholia, and that they should start paying their soldiers in salt and tangy herbs and spices, I'll sing anything.

>>14966418
You're missing all the fun.
>>14966363
Oh yes. Come here.

>>14966420
I can provide you with the assurances of Twatistan's Board of Tourism that Twatistan's ten's of TREE abounds with a startling variety of A PIGEON and almost three different varieties of RAT.

>And as for you, my good emissary… what do you suppose your fate should be?

The Empress died right here: (>>14965678 >>14965691)

The rest of this? This is hell. The entire thread makes sense. Assholians, Ba'al, mechanized golems, and all she can do is listen, paralyzed in an uncomfortable position on her awful throne.

Should've converted to Mormonism like the man said, dumb bitch.

>>14966441
Is this a really bad time to mention the specially conditioned dickwolves?
She might still be living if you find her soon. Maybe. Unless that's where the holes in this one came from, which would mean it's not a double.

>>14966463
What type of rat? Burning rat? Bombadier rat? Intestine rat? Rat-o'-War?

>>14966428
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/14965662/

Done!

>>14966472
Wait, so what about the violent things happening to her and the eternal burning and the post-mortem rape and cannibalism?

>>14966465

>>14966496
To you, dear Assholian, that might sound like a regular day, but to people who know what sunlight feels like, it is hell.

>>14966504
...Huh.

Really?

She needed to get out more, then. Do some sightseeing. Seems like her home country was surrounded by places that would convince her otherwise.

...So does this mean there's no invasion, then? Or are we just switching to Daemonic Invasion, now?

>>14966504
Hey, I know what sunlight feels like! It burns you horribly in a few seconds and also give you tumors. Delicious things, tumors.

The dead do not wonder.

*Cry of a hawk as grapple spike fires*

>>14966521
Well, I think the portal's kind of stuck. Sorry about that.
It's not like there wasn't enough of their kind back home. They could get pretty inventive. Ah, memories.

I leave the decision up to you, my Lady.

>>14966475
It is RAT.

>>14966451
Good sir, I'm presently unauthorized to negotiate mercenary actions by THE GLORIOUS MECHANIZED LEGIONS at this time but if you would like I can forward your interest to the MINISTRY OF PACIFICATION OF NON-TWATISTANIAN FILTH whom I'm sure will be glad to give you an array of reasonable quotes for your military needs. A GOOD DEAL FOR ANY NATIONAL BUDGET.

>>14966528
Wait, you're from Assholia, too?

rolled 4 + 6 = 10

>>14966472
dude...wanna buy some weed?

>>14966534
Yeah, managed to escape and became a suicide ambassador. Much nicer job, and more food.

>>14966521
Well it wouldn't be hell if you didn't keep going, now would it?

>>14966538 .
What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I would.

>>14966532
What? Just rat? What kinda stupid name is that? You run out of adjectives, or something?

Tell you what, you name its preferred killing method, and I'll give you a good adjective for its name.

Also: please do pass that invasion invitation along. We could always use more warm bodies for our cooking fires.

>>14966528
Hey, no worries. Food is food.

>>14966544
I know, right? Free catering at practically every palace. The good stuff, too--real demons, not cheap knockoffs like in the hell-pits back home.

>>14966550
Groovy.

So, any chance I can convince these hell-guys to marinate themselves, or something? Nothing serious or complicated--I was just wondering if we could get them to rub themselves in brimstone before they show up, or something like that.

Lord? Your "Highness", our "lord" has already paid for his crimes, and your friend had been avenged, along with the other women he raped, once we castrated him for it. His body, sans feet, sword-arm, eyes and tongue, is rotting besides the People's Road, and if you would make peace with us you will be granted passage to spit on his corpse along with the others he had wronged.
If, instead, you wish to slaughter and enslave us as the great criminal did, then I would warn you that it was not your band of killers, thieves and rapists who destroyed his armies, but us. Your supply lines are already cut, "milady", and if I do not return with your message of friendship to our people then they shall be slaughtered and your lands overrun by a great levy of every man and woman able to hold a blade and winch a crossbow. Do not hope for our armies to disappear come harvest-time: I trust a slaver who keeps man-eaters as pets will be loved by the people of your land as our king was by us.

Hey, just because the real rifts are unapproachable, doesn't mean we're hurting for devils, daemons, and/or demons.

"Milady's ire is a thing to behold, and I regret deeply that I did not have Milord's ear at the time your courier treated with us. That war has killed the more bloodthirsty members of Milord's advisers however is perhaps serendipitous: I do not negotiate either when I tell you that if your army marches on my people as slavers and butchers, they will resist you to the last, but the fact your generals convinced you to entreat with me heartens my belief that you will come to a judgment that will not foster generational enmity between our people.
"As for myself, while I am not known for my singing voice, I am sure you might find a more 'amusing' use for my tongue than to feed it to your tigers."

This is the closest thing I can think of that sues for peace by appealing to the lady's sense of duty to her people, while not looking completely treacherous as a servant of our lord. The best outcome I can think of here is to be thrown into the dungeons for vulgarity, but forcing her to ruminate over the conclusions she's already made. It's important to impress that we didn't have complicity in the treatment of her courier, but we can't make ourselves look powerless, otherwise we are an insult as an emissary.

>>14966608
speaking to
>>14966566

>>14966566
RAT, I've been told upon observation by the finest Zooficers Twatistan offers, subsist mainly on gnawing the GLORIOUSLY SAFE detritus that eminates from the ROYAL ALCHEMY LABS. I'm also told that they explode when startled. Or if you make direct eye contact. Or if jostled only slightly. I can only assume your benighted educational system was lax if the common RAT is beyond your knowledge.

In regards to your request for MILITARY DEPLOYMENT I would like to point out that THE GLORIOUS TWATISTAN MECHANIZED LEGIONS are constructed only of Class V-XVI Battle Constructs, and any attempt to ingest voids any warranty either explicit or implied. Class V-XVI Battle Constructs also explode when exposed to open flame, and doing so will void any warranty from GLORIOUS TWATISTAN.

>>14966608
Well, any you could send our way would be appreciated. We certainly aren't hurting for hungry mouths to feed, that's for sure.

And I'm not even counting those of us infected with the Million-Tiny-Mouths plague.

>>14965662
Woman, I'm from Australia. Please, /please,/ take our capital. Gods know none of us want it.

>>14966641
But that's the only place you can get pornography and fireworks!

>>14966629
Oh, so "grenade rats," then? That isn't too hard for your vaunted education to handle, is it?

Thanks for the cooking tip--though you might want to tell your troops to be careful about the border fires on their way in. Wouldn't want them exploding before getting to us, would we?

>>14966652
>Implying that's worth going there. We have the internet for a reason.

That is a gratuitously clingy dress.

>>14966903

Darn... with all the demons, bees, emissaries and the empress killed, raped, eaten and gone (not necessarily in this order), it suure is quiet in here.

Now let's see what they have left for the more careful...

>>14967241
She was also tortured. And now she's in the Abyss or something like it. Which I figure is worse.
You're not getting much out of her.
Also I wouldn't eat anything unless you are Assholian.

>>14967260

Guess what. I'm a vulturius assholiae. I eat what even Assholians don't have the stomach to. Yes, I don't eat often.

>>14967311
Something Assholians won't eat...
Hmmm.
No, nothing's ringing a bell, including molten metal.

Well, seeing as I've spent the last two months in your dungeon and only recently had the chance of visiting our embassy and confirming some details and regenerating my fingers, I'm sure I've got quite a clear perception of the issue.

>screaming from outside ensues

You see, what you're about to do is negotiate the terms of a treaty that will stop the quite massive detachments of dragon and bullette cavalry from tearing your palace down stone by stone. You know, a peace treaty like the one we had outlined before your emissary charmed her way into my Lord's bedchamber and tried to cut off his manhood "as a joke", as she put it. My Lord was obviously quite put off with her and the siren blasts which killed a number of his palace guards didn't improve his moods any.

Now, my Lady, we've both seen a number of villages put to the torch and eaten alive. Why don't we try neverending peace for a few months?

This has to be one of the most cheesy and eye-rollingly bad threads in a while.

>>14967359
Ayup.

How about Assholian shit?

>>14967426
Nope, still something they'll eat.

Look at your ambassador.
Now back to me.
Now back to your ambassador.
Now back to me.
Sadly, she isn't me, but if she hadn't been gang raped and had her tongue cut out she could negotiate like me.
Look down.
Back up.
Where are you?
You're in a castle, with the ambassador your ambassador could negotiate like.
What's in your hand?
Back to me.
I have it. It's a declaration of unconditional surrender from that country you hate.
Look again. THE DECLARATION IS NOW DIAMONDS.
Anything is possible when your ambassador can negotiate like me and not a harlot.
I'm on a horse.

>>14967359
I just caught sight of it. Care to summarise?

>>14967704
Well, take a quick skim of the tedious purple prose of the OP, and you'll get the drift.

>>14967730
Half-naked Empress talks shit, /tg/ goes full on "ambassador rape wat do?"

There seem to be 6 main types of replies

-The "It's not MY fault/I'm just following orders." excuse.
-The "Do what you must/I accept my fate." declaration.
-The "Have at thee, bitch!" battle charge.
-The "LET ME JOIN YOU." request.
-The "This isn't where I parked my car..." defense.
-The very rare "Do the right thing." plea.
-And finally, the "YOU'VE JUST WALKED INTO MY TRAP LOL!" reveal.

>>14967737
She's not half naked so much as that is literally the tightest dress ever.

>>14967742
You forgot the "Really? You want to invade Assholia/Australia? Sweet!" replies.

###Actually, I only just planeshifted in. I am aware that my model class is "Orbital Delegate", but I believe you have missed the euphemistic nature of that title.###

Well, our lord is obviously a complete dick.
Apologize for not having the power to put a stop to his madness and offer our fealty to her.

....Really?

I mean.. really? HOW FUCKING RETARTED ARE YOU WOMAN!? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD WOULD YOU TRY TO INVADE ASSHOLIA?!

Because your little singing prissy came back raped and without her tongue?!
You send a pretty singing little dove with golden frilly hair in white skimpy dress, without an escort or a at least a sword to a country where we have tics the size of housecats, cranium rats as big as dogs, fucking cazadors everywhere and now its OUR fucking fault?!
Hell, you should celebrate that she's fucking alive, normally our bearspiders tend to eat thier prey after raping it!

Lety me ask again: HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE?! Do you really think that the crest of assholia looks like that for no apparent reason? Do we really have to hang up corpses at the borderline of those asshats who tried to venture into assholia?

So you defeated our army? BIG FUCKING DEAL! Old-man Tom and his four sons who were near the border trying to salvage some wood that's not rotten, or non-poisonous gras to stuff thier matresses with it. Yeah, you are really a marvelous general, you should pat yourself on the back for that!

No, you know what? FUCKING DO IT! Go on! Invade us! It will give us some good reason for a celebration, the fancy horses I saw in your camp look well feed and tasty and the last time we had some good horsemeat on the dinner table was when the bare-chested Rapists of Twatistan attacked some months ago. You should actully ask them for some battle-tactics regarding assholia, for we all know how well it went for them when they tried to invade.

Go on! I dare you! At least my family will have something other than black sludge or roasted giant tick for the next months to eat.