As a quick refresher, the previous session ended with Clint, a barbarian suffering the effects of battle rage, slaying my character Bear. Alphonse killed Clint to avenge me, and made off with both our bodies, all the bodies of the slain crew of the Grain Train, and the Grain Train itself. We are drawing close to the climactic Dad Battle, which was between Arthur's 84-year-old father, and Zombie-Dad (Alphonse's father, who had his soul sucked out by an outsider. Our party now takes care of his near-comatose body).

Alphonse had a little bit of prep work to do before the penultimate dad battle. He currently had control of the entire Grain Train, and decided to drive it straight to Thay. This all occurred during the time between games, so neither Alphonse nor Arthur knew what the other was doing to train for the Dad Battle (now officially titled: The Spar in Two Stars). While in Thay, Alphonse solicited the aid of a supremely evil Archmage by bartering several odd objects in exchange for a scroll of Limited Wish. These objects included the Grain Train itself, the bodies of Bear, Clint, all the former crew of the Grain Train, and the wagon driver he killed at the truck stop; and a certain swan boat that was made out of a wood-shaped and still-conscious Ent. The Archmage was pleased with these offerings and let Alphonse have his item.

Meanwhile, Arthur's plan was to have his dad (whose name is King Commie) simply throw the fight, and they'd reap the winnings together by betting on Zombie-Dad.

At this time, I create my fifth character for this campaign, and he is Peter Popeoff, the father of my previous two characters (Smokey and Bear). Peter is an Evangelist Cleric who understands himself to be the greatest salesman in Faerun, and he used to be the CEO of the family business (RonCo). However, Peter was robbed by a certain bandit king while traveling through the Laser Forest about thirty years ago. The Bandit King was none other than Randall Sauvage, whom the party met last session, only to kill and resurrect him multiple times. Peter Popeoff lost his fortune in that encounter, and swore to find Randall someday and make him pay; little did he know that Alphonse and company plundered Randall's treasure vault and reincarnated Randall three times, culminating in Randall's current form of a female gnome. So Alphonse is now in possession of my character's entire fortune, without my knowledge.

Is this hard to follow? Sorry.

At any rate, Peter Popeoff has tracked Randall to Two Stars, and seizes an opportunity to make some quick cash by promoting the Spar in Two Stars. Clint's new character, a grappler monk, has been recruited by Arthur and Alphonse to dig the battle pit. So a few days later, everything is primed for the Spar in Two Stars, and I find myself in the town square selling tickets and collecting bets. Alphonse comes up to me and demands hits cut of the proceeds, which I try to skim. He calls me names, as per usual (right back to our old dynamic, its like I didn't even die!), and we all get ready for the fight. Alphonse inquires as to the odds on the fight, and finds that they are hugely in favor of Arthur's dad. Alphonse throws down 25000 gold on his dad, and I'm incredulous that a kid is slinging that kind of cash; but Alphonse flashes. I tell Alphonse he can't bet because it's a conflict of interest; and Alphonse swears to kill me someday.

>>18278667
The crowd turnout is huge, and the event is being magic-cast all over Faerun. I get into the fighting ring of the battle pit and begin announcing to the crowd. I cast Enthrall and begin performing a speech:

"IN THIS CORNER, THE CATATONIC TERROR... TIM... AKA ZOMBIE-DAD, DESTROYER OF CAMPAIGNS. AND IN THIS CORNER, WE HAVE A VETERAN OF MANY FOREIGN WARS, I'M SURE. IN FACT, HE STILL THINKS HE'S FIGHTING THEM. RIGHT HERE FROM THE CITY OF TWO STARS, YOU MAY KNOW HIM FROM THE LOCAL NURSING HOME, BECAUSE HE YELLS AT YOU AS YOU WALK BY: KING COMMIE!"

Arthur's dad puts up his dukes and shuffles towards Zombie-Dad. He stares Zombie-Dad down; Zombie-Dad doesn't respond and just stares into space. Suddenly, Arthur's dad tries to throw a punch, but gets thrown off balance. He clutches his heart, stumbles back, and falls to the ground. Zombie Dad doesn't even react.

I go over to Arthur's dad, announce to the crowd "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE'RE HAVING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!"

I whisper to Arthur's Dad, "The fuck are you doing man? I got a lot of money riding on you."

But he's dead.

I attempt to Breath of Life Arthur's Dad, but the spell doesn't work. Arthur, however, thinks that his dad is just throwing the fight and isn't actually dead.


The crowd grows rabid. "Hey we came to see a FIGHT!" shouts one guy, "YEAH, I WANT MY MONEY BACK", shouts another. I attempt to calm the crowd with a perform: speech check, telling them that they will indeed see a fight, and that their bloodlust will be sated soon. I roll a natural 20 on this perform check, and it succeeds so well that it sends the crowd into a supernatural frenzy and they all being fighting each other. This was not what I intended.

Oh shit It's STORYTIEM

Fuck yes

>>18278705
Suddenly, Alphonse, Arthur, CJ (the grappler monk), and I are standing in the fight ring, surrounded by a frenzied
crowd that is now hell bent on tearing each other apart.

I produce two immovable rods and begin climbing my way out of the battle pit. Alphonse grabs everybody and uses his boots of teleportation to scoot them all outside of town.

Alphonse and Arthur begin arguing about the fight, and how it wasn't fair. Then Alphonse explains that he rigged the fight with a grandoise plan involving a Limited Wish.

You see, Alphonse's wish was to have an invisible Wraith appear and scare King Commie to death, thus winning the fight for Zombie-Dad. This also had the adverse effect of sucking out King Commie's soul, rendering him unable to be resurrected.

Arthur is fucking furious, as he reveals that they were going to throw the fight anyway. Now his dad has been murdered.

go on

>>18278732
However, this personal feud can wait, because now Two Stars is currently rioting and killing each other. Oops. We decide to skip town and head to Five Stars (which doesn't exist in Faerun, we just made it up because if Two Stars exists, there must be a One-Three-Four-and-Five Stars as well).

Five stars is a much nicer city than Two Stars, and Arthur states that he was going to use his winnings from the fight to put his dad in a Five Star nursing home. However, we're not in the city long before we are approached by The Don Kings.

The Don Kings watched our fight on Magic Pay-Per View, and are disgusted with the way we promoted and conducted the fight. It makes them look bad, as they are a guild of Don King impersonators and fight promoters. Naturally, Arthur challenges them to a duel so that he can vent his frustration.

The produce their greatest warrior: Michael Viking, a swedish dogfighter and axe-warrior. Arthur duels Michael Viking and after a heated battle, slays him right in the city streets, in front of the Don Kings. The Don Kings pick up their fallen warrior and swear vengeance, but Arthur does not plan to be around to have them enact it.

Arthur tells Alphonse that he's a miserable little fuck for killing his father, and will not put up with his bullshit anymore. Arthur leaves the party.

>>18278761
>We decide to skip town and head to Five Stars (which doesn't exist in Faerun, we just made it up because if Two Stars exists, there must be a One-Three-Four-and-Five Stars as well).

Totally legit

>>18278761
While Arthur's player rolls up a new character, Alphonse, CJ, and I go to the Grand Library in Five Stars to look up information on the Grandfather Tree (because we need to get wood to make an ottoman for the chair of power and complete the living room set of destiny... so we can help the Pope of Faerun stop the aliens). After Alphonse threatens the librarian, we find discover a scholarly article about the Grandfather Tree written by Daggett (our awakened stegosaurus who holds a Ph.D. in botany). Turns out Daggett wrote his dissertation on the Grandfather Tree, and we set a course for the High Forest, where it lives...

It was Smokey's dream to go to the High Forest...

Anyway, we decide to make a pit stop in Zentil Keep before we head to the High Forest. It just so happens that Alphonse can teleport us just far enough away from Five Stars to reach Zentil Keep, and another teleport will allow us to reach the High Forest tomorrow when his boots recharge. So like any good criminal, Alphonse decides to return to Ricky and Bobby's Tavern. During our last visit to this place, we were accused of killing Ricky and Bobby after Alphonse presented their severed heads to the barkeep (Though none of our current party is aware of this event). Alphonse disguises himself as a gnome and goes up to the barkeep... except the disguise is not good enough to fool the bartender. The barkeep shouts "GET HIM, ITS THAT KID!" and suddenly everyone in the bar is on us. The shit is hitting the fan, and I have no idea what's happening, so I use Greater Command and tell them all to fall prone to the floor. In one swift motion, Alphonse jumps up and severs the Bartender's head. I'm shocked by this (my character is true neutral), and then Alphonse shoves the head onto a beer tap and leaves the bar.

>>18278797
CJ and I follow Alphonse and we're all like: "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KID!?", and we start going off on him. Some guards happen to be walking through the street, and want to know why we're accosting a little kid. Alphonse tells them that we're trying to help him find his parents, and succeeds the bluff.

Just then, the no-longer-commanded mass of bar patrons erupt out of the bar, and tell the guards that Alphonse killed the bartender. One of the guards goes into the bar to confirm this; and the guards put us under arrest. Alphonse points at me and shouts "HE DID IT!"

I silent-spell cast suggestion on the Guard Captain, telling him that that I'm an old man who can't hurt anyone, and Alphonse is just a kid, and this bar is full of shady-as-fuck characters. One of them probably killed the bartender and is trying to pin it on a little kid, which is RIDICULOUS!

The Guard Captain reacts to the suggestion by announcing that he's taking everyone into custody. One of the guards motions to grab Alphonse, and Alphonse flips out and cuts off the guard's arms. He then takes a Wand of Invisibility, makes himself invisible, and escapes. Meanwhile, I cast Greater Command again, tell everyone to lay down prone, and CJ and I book it out of there as well.

After catching up with Alphonse and yelling at him, we resolve to put all that aside and focus on our God-Given mission to help the Pope stop the Aliens. We set a course for the High Forest.

>>18278848
Meanwhile, Arthur's Player has been busy writing up his new character: a Red Mantis Assassin. This new character has been hot on our party's trail ever since we left Blood's Port, and he believes that Smokey is the chosen one of the Red Mantis Order (Remember that one time when Smokey almost died because he was attacked by a Mantis? That happened all the time, apparently. The Mantises were attempting to train their chosen one). However, Smokey is currently dead (had his soul sucked out by a dread wraith), so the Red Mantis Assassin is trying to resurrect him. In the meantime, he's assumed the identity of the long-dead Rouge Bandit in order to endear himself to Alphonse (who still believes that the Rouge Bandit is still alive). That's right, Smokey and the Fucking Bandit.

The New Rouge Bandit reveals himself to our party as we arrive at the High Forest, and of course Alphonse thinks this is the best day ever. Now, Alphonse has teleported us to a certain location of the High Forest where a ring of 5 ents hold an eternal vigil to safeguard an ancient evil sealed away beneath the earth. Naturally, we begin talking with the ents, and they keep telling us to go away because they're guarding an ancient evil.

We spend an hour of real time talking to the ents, who have exaggerated British accents. During this time we learn about trees, and ents, and the forest. Finally, the Ents reveal that a traveling, talking stegosaurus with a Ph.D in Botany recently came through the area, and warned them about a particular Alphonse character. The Ents finally recognize Alphonse for who he is, and tell him that they will kill him if he stays any longer.

As we run away from the Ents, we realize that we kept them distracted for so long, that it would have been easy to sneak into the vault containing the ancient evil. So we do.

IT BEGINS

>>18278876
Next session begins with the Rouge Bandit donning Alphonse's teleportation boots, as he distracts the ents with a prolonged conversation. Alphonse stuffs CJ and I into a portable hole as he stealths his way past the distracted Ents and enters the subterranean vault. The Rouge Bandit then teleports to Alphonse, and we find ourselves in a massive chamber with a magical seal on the ground. Suddenly we are greeted by Dr. John, Tim's new character (he was absent from the last couple of sessions and just returned for this one), who just appeared to be in this vault. Dr. John is a beastmaster, and has a Manticore companion named Dolce. After inspecting the chamber, we see what appears to be a sunroof, and Alphonse uses a wand of Flight to scoot up to the top of the chamber and pulls a lever which opens the sunroof.

Light pours in and melts away the seal on the ground. This reveals a long staircase which spirals downwards. After traveling further into the dungeon, we come to a room containing an octagonal platform. We see a grotesque winged vulture-like demon dancing on the Octagon. He has a tatoo of a sword on his chest, and shouts out to us "YEAAAAH, I'M VROCK LESNAR. LETS DO THIS!"

Vrock Lesnar begins doing the melbourne shuffle and techno music and strobe lights fill the chamber.

>>18278981
Now, we happen to think that this will be like an MMA fight, as in, one-versus-one. So CJ steps up to fight Vrock Lesnar. CJ is a grappler monk with an absurdly good
CMB. He specializes in hogtying people after pinning them, rendering them immobile, and he can do this in one round of combat; it's stupid broken.

Now Jay, our DM is kind of shocked that we're going to engage a Vrock 1v1. So he has Vrock do the shuffle for a couple rounds just to give CJ a chance. CJ fails his grapples for two rounds as Vrock continues to shuffle around the Octagon. On his third attempt, CJ manages to grapple, pin, and hogtie Vrock.

>>18278992
But Vrock breaks out of the rope on his next round with a natural 20 strength check. Vrock then full-rounds CJ with 5 attacks and instagibs him. When the gravity of the situation dawns upon the party, we issue a collective "OH SHIT!" and begin fighting Vrock. The Rouge Bandit activates his class ability, which is to perform a blade dance which enthralls the target for three rounds. At the end of those three rounds, the Assassin can coup-de-grace the target. However, Vrock succeeds his will save to resist the effect. We struggle with him for a couple of rounds before he takes to the air and flies out of the chamber, cackling the entire way. We look at CJ's mangled corpse, and Alphonse begins emptying some of the items in his bag of holding. He finds a glass coffin and stuffs CJ's body into the coffin. I don't know why he had this item.

I offer to resurrect CJ, but CJ refuses to come back at a lower level, so our only option is to go True Resurrect him. But first we want to explore the dungeon. So we progress past Vrock Lesnar's room, and come to a bridge over a bottomless pit. As we cross the bridge, a couple of gargoyles
fly down and begin harassing us. Some other demons appear and we begin fighting over this bottomless pit. I cast
some spell that allows me to mind control one of the gargoyles, it was a Charm domain spell or Command or something, I can't remember. Regardless, the gargoyles begin tussling in the air and fall to the bridge. The rest of the party begins fighting the demons that have appeared. Dr. John hops on his Manticore and begins flying around while summoning beasts.

>>18279069
Alphonse takes out a waterlogged Dust of Dryness and throws it into some of the demons. The Dust explodes with water when it hits one of the demons, and the deluge causes two of them to spill off the bridge to their deaths. The rest of the party members make their saves to avoid getting swept away themselves. Once we fight off the demons and cross the bridge, Vrock Lesnar reappears... and this time he's summoned another Vrock. This Vrock has an orange shirt with a green windbreaker, and its eyes are closed (It's Brock from Pokemon). I cast Dismissal on Vrock from Pokemon, and send it back to its dimension. Vrock Lesnar curses us and flies away.

>>18279081
Finally, we can explore the dungeon some more. Immediately after the bridge is a hallway which extends further, and we find some skeletal remains in the center of the hallway, next to a small cubic box. The box appears to be a Horadric Cube. I cast Speak With Dead to ask the Skeleton some questions. However, the Skeleton is unresponsive to all but one question, which is "What's going to happen if we stay in the dungeon."

The skeleton says "You're gonna die."

That's good enough for us. We walk out the front door of the dungeon area, to find that Vrock Lesnar has set the thicket ablaze and all the ents are dead. So we've just released Vrock Lesnar upon the world. Super cool.

But that can wait, because we need to resurrect CJ. The nearest city which probably has our best chance of finding a True Resurrect is Waterdeep, but as I'm looking at the map, I see a city called Scornubel. I chuckle and call it Chernobyl. And now we must go there, main quest be damned.

hahahahaha A Vrock named Lesnor. Love it. Fucking bump for storyteim

Alphonse teleports us to Scornubel, and we find that it is the site of a tremendous magical disaster. Reality is melting as magic is going crazy behind the walls of the city. There's inflated cows floating in the sky, raining down milk. Giant kittens follow the cows, lapping up the milk. All the worst monsters though up by Wizards of the Coast are running around in town. Two guards posted outside the door tell us that we can't enter because the magic radiation is too dangerous. We theorize that the magic inside will resurrect CJ's body for no reason. With no subtlety whatsoever, Alphonse uses a portable hole on the city walls, and takes out CJ's mutilated corpse from his bloody glass coffin, and throws it into the city. The guards look on and decide they do not get paid nearly enough to intervene.

A rod of wonder effect occurs as CJ's body hits the ground, and a tornado forms around the body and lifts CJ into the sky. Alphonse is frustrated that this didn't work, and climbs into the city through the hole in the wall.

Another rod of wonder effect is triggered. Suddenly, a magical spell pulses outwards, with Alphonse at the epicenter. Will saves for everybody... and all succeed except for Alphonse and the guards.

A Flesh to Stone spell petrifies Alphonse and the two guards.

>>18279181
None of us can reverse this effect, and using Stone to Flesh has a 50% chance to kill the target. We're stressing out about how to solve this situation, until we are greeted by a wizard who was sent to repair the magical reactor in Scornubel. His name is Deckard Cain, and we show him the Horadric Cube. He thinks it's quite a treasure. Deckard Cain decides that he's going to help us out and cast Stone to Flesh on Alphonse and the two guards. He manages to kill both the guards in this way... so things are not looking good for Alphonse.

He casts Stone to Flesh on Alphonse, and Alphonse flips a coin for survival.

Well shit. I guess I won't be sleeping tonight then.

>>18279225
Me neither.
Totally worth it.

go on sir BUMP

>>18279201
Holy shit he fucking survives. In and out of character we begin high fiving each other. Deckard Cain informs us that Stone to Flesh and Flesh to Stone are the only spells he knows, so I don't even want to know how he's going to go about fixing the magical reactor. Regardless, we get the fuck out of Scornubel, and proceed to waterdeep, where we get a True Resurrect for CJ. The Rouge Bandit and Dr. John buy boots of teleporation while we're here.

Seeing as we have a Horadric Cube and met Deckard Cain, we think it might be worth it to try and find Wirt's Leg so that we can go kill hell bovines. Jay says that yes, indeed, Hell Bovine Leather is a key component in upholstering the Ottoman of Power. So we head to the Docks and find Wirt, the peg-legged Pirate. At first, we try to shake Wirt down, but his first mate, Coach Z tells us that we need to leave. I Hold Person on Coach Z and push him off the pier into the water. Wirt knows we mean business, and yells for his crew to help him. Suddenly, there are pirates everyhwere about to run up on us. The rest of the party runs away, leaving me. I have to Greater Command my nearest foes, and tell them to sit the fuck down, while I run away. Later that night, the Rouge Bandit resolves to steal Wirt's Leg himself.

>>18279201
The Rouge Bandit sneaks aboard Wirt's ship and hides under his bed. Then, when Wirt retires for the evening, and removes his peg leg, the Rouge Bandit will steal it. So this plan works pretty much perfectly... except that when The Rouge Bandit grabs Wirt's Leg, it begins shouting "HELP HELP!". Wirt wakes up and falls out of bed, as The Rouge Bandit jumps out the window of the captain's room and into the water. Wirt's Leg tells the Bandit "You're gonna be sorry for stealing me!", and the Leg sprouts arms and begins trying to scratch and claw at The Rouge Bandit, but the bandit holds fast. He manages to run all the way to where the rest of the party is, with pirates hot on his trail. When he arrives, we all teleport away and head back to the high forest.

>>18279334
We stash Wirt's Leg into a portable hole where it can't annoy us. Now we can finally meet the Grandfather Tree... or at least we could if we weren't fucking stopped by the goddamn Harpers.

Apparently there are tree guardians of the forest called Harpers. We swiftly rename them Herpers, and they are cockblocking us on our god-given quest. All attempts to reason with them fail, and they tell us that the Grandfather Tree himself sent them to kill us. Alphonse flips out and begins murdering their squad left and right. I manage to control about seven of them with a Greater Command: Halt, and CJ begins hogtying Herpers one by one. Dr. John and The Rouge Bandit coup-de-grace the ones that CJ hogties. Several of the Herpers escape, but the deed is done. We've just slain the majority of the Herper squad, and soon the Derpers (the next level of tree guardians) will be upon us. We do a little bit more research on the Grandfather Tree (we stole Daggett's Dissertation from the library), and discover that The Grandfather Tree emits an aura that causes all evil subjects within three miles to save against petrification. That's not cool for our party.

Naturally, we need someone good to go get the Grandfather Tree's wood...

>>18279346
Breaking for now, be back in a bit.

>storytiem thread

Your party seems to subscribe to Red Mage's "life is a sidequest" philosophy.

>Coach Z, Wirt, Vrock Pewter
you
you
THIS IS MADNESS
but, seeing as there's no mustard, it's all good

>>18279572
Oh god, do we ever.

>>18279346
Naturally, we need someone good to go get the Grandfather Tree's wood...

And the only good person we know is Frederick, the paladin who took over Blood's Port, and has been twice swindled by our party. So we teleport back to Blood's Port, and end up in the square where we had our Bakery. The Goblins in town have burned down the bakery and continue to desecrate it in effigy, because they hate us. However, several goblins in the area recognize Alphonse, shit their pants, and run away. We make our way through the city, and by now, Alphonse is notorious for his deeds across Faerun. People know him. So the general folk are clearing the fuck out.

We get to Frederick's mansion, and ask his guards to open the portcullis and let us enter. They allow us to enter all too eagerly, but Alphonse and the Rouge Bandit don't sense a trap. I do, and keep my distance. Immediately after opening the outer portcullis, they wait for Alphonse and The Rouge Bandit to cross through before they slam it back down and open murder holes. I use Stone Shape to close the murder holes, and they pour boiling oil ineffectually into a pit in the ceiling. Alphonse and the Rouge Bandit heft open the opposite portcullis and enter the courtyard. Alphonse scales the fort wall and climbs up to the guards, who are wondering why the murder holes closed. He shit-kicks one of the guards into the murder hole, where he boils alive. He then tosses the other guard off the wall at my character's feet.
Meanwhile, CJ, Dr. John, and I are trapped outside the wall.

>>18279627
Frederick comes charging in. Alphonse goes running to meet him, shouting "Frederick! Frederick!", Frederick responds: "Alphonse you are the scourge of everything that is good. You are the most unholy creature I have ever seen in my entire life. What could you possibly say to me before I remove your head from your shoulders? What say you, you miserable twat of a child?"

Alphonse turns on the crocodile tears: "I haven't been able to achieve my atonement quest because the tree won't meet with us! I'm forced to be this way because I can't finish the quest you gave me because the tree won't let me..."

Alphonse rolls his bluff. Pic Related.

>>18279694
Jay tells us that Frederick gets a +20 to sense motive because he's been fucked over by Alphonse so many times.

Frederick rolls his sense motive. Pic related.

Alphonse's 41 Bluff beats Frederick's 39 Sense Motive. Alphonse tells Frederick that we need his help to retrieve the Grandfather Tree's wood in order to complete the atonement quest.

Frederick says "You've been here five minutes and you just killed my two guards! You're the scourge of Faerun!"

Alphonse says "I'm only the scourge of Faerun because you won't help me!"

At wit's end, Frederick says, exasperated: "How... can I help..."


We discuss the plan further with Frederick, and tell him to go to the High Forest and retrieve wood from the Grandfather tree so that we can complete our atonement quest.

Three days later, Frederick returns with a log, and tells us to get out of his city and never return.

>>18279703
>(This really happened and I have the audio as proof to back it up. Posting that later.)

Now that we have the Grandfather Tree's wood, we head to Waterdeep to find an artisan who can craft it into an Ottoman.

However, once we arrive, The Rouge Bandit suggests that I sell some of my fine RonCo products to a passing merchant while we're outside of Waterdeep. I begin my sales pitch for a RonCo Immovable Rod. However, THIS particular immovable rod anchors you with respect to time and space; which means that when you activate it while on a moving planet, you get skooshed by physics. The RonCo immovable rod is effectively a useless item because it kills you instantly, but that's something that's been covered by our Legal Team, I'm sure.

At any rate, the Merchant uses the rod and gets vaporized as he and the rod fly skyward at ridiculous speed. This whole debacle is witnessed by the city guards. The guards approach me and place me under arrest. I attempt to use suggestion to tell them that all magic items have an intrinsic failure chance, and it wasn't my fault. Alphonse speaks his support for me by pointing at me and exclaiming, "HE DID IT!"

>>18279818
The guards remain unconvinced of my innocence, slap me in manacles and cart me to jail. Now, I'm thinking that this jail can't hold me, because I can just Plane Shift away. However, I assumed that Plane Shift was a spell with a fairly long casting time, instead of instantaneous (it is actually instantaneous). So I figure that I should take out the guard on watch before I shift out. I ask the guard to come over and give me some water, to which he responds that he can come over and give me a beating.

I bother him enough to where he does come over, and I grab his hand and cast Inflict Serious Wounds. He erupts in a geyser of blood, and I attempt to Plane Shift out of jail.

But they've placed an Anchor spell on the jail. Fuck. I resurrect the guard and he runs out screaming. Minutes later, a wizard arrives and hits me with a magic blackjack. I reawaken in an obviously magic-proof jail cell and await trial.

At my trial, I offer an impassioned defense with a huge Perform Speech check, about how RonCo products are not the responsibility of RonCo itself, citing numerous legal precedents and throwing myself on the mercy of the court. They offer me two choices: Go on a suicie mission for the sake of Waterdeep, or rot in jail for 20 years.

I choose jail...

At least I didn't die again.

>>18279829
The party is sad to lose Peter Popeoff, but they have better things planned. Alphonse has spent all his gold on acquiring a scroll of Wish. They travel outside of town and use this Wish, they summon the Dread Wraith which killed Smokey and fight it for Smokey's soul. They've totally prepared for this event, and have enchanted all their weapons with Ghosttouched, and conducted the fight in a magically well-lit area. The Wraith is getting its ASS BEAT, and attempts to fly away. The Rouge Bandit uses his boots of teleportation to teleport into the air and attack the wraith. Because the DnD rules are retarded, he doesn't begin falling until his next round, so he manages to get one more attack in. The Wraith is slain by this attack, and all the souls it has captured pop out of it. The last one to do so is smokey, who issues a detatched "Whatever, man..." and poofs away. The party returns to Waterdeep and Smokey gets a True Resurrect.


SMOKEY'S BACK! The Rouge Bandit hails me as the chosen one, and I can't recount ever being chosen for anything good in particular, but I go along with it. He wants to teach me the ways of the Red Mantis and help me to achive destiny. I respond incredulously because Smokey is terrified of mantises.

At any rate, we have ordered a craftsman to create the Ottoman of Power out of the Grandfather Tree's log. We now need the Hell Bovine leather to upholster it.

>>18278992
As we begin our final session, CJ and Tim hadn't physically arrived yet, so it was just myself, the Rouge Bandit, and Alphonse.

Despite this, we throw Wirt's Leg into the Horadric Cube and transport ourselves to the Moo Moo Farm. Hell Bovines are everywhere; standing out from the crowd of demon cows is the Cow King, who is the biggest one of all. They begin mooing their terrible death-moos, and Alphonse activates an amulet of Fireball to thin their numbers. He disintegrates about ten of the beasts, but there are still plenty more. Naturally the Hell Bovines make a beeline for me, because it's not a real campaign unless I'm on the verge of death. Like true teammates, The Rouge Bandit and Alphonse leave me to deal with the Hell Bovine Horde while they go attack the cow king. I pelt the cows with arrows as I run from them (It's just like in Diablo 2!), and Alphonse chucks a Feather Token of Swan Boat so I have an obstruction that I can kite the cows around. However, that doesn't last long, as the 7 cows chasing me close the gap and begin hacking me apart. Smokey's about to die again.

Meanwhile, Alphonse and The Rouge Bandit succeed at killing the Cow King, and Alphonse uses a Bracelet of Friendship to teleport my soon-to-be-unconscious ass to his location
. The Cow King erupts into gold and loot, among which is a FLYING FUCKING CARPET! I hop onto the carpet and take to the air, pelting the remaining cows with arrows. We clean up the rest of the Hell Bovines and drag the Cow King's corpse through the Town Portal back to Waterdeep.

>>18279926
So now that we have the Cow King's hide, we need to see Danny Tanner and get him and his Full House of Leather to make us some upholstry. We then realize that we not only have the Ottoman of Power, but also a FLYING CARPET, which really ties the whole Living Room set of Destiny together. Days later, Danny Tanner has made the upholstry, and the Ottoman looks awesome. It's an incredibly evil fucking artifact though, as a detect evil spell reveals.

Now that we have completed the quest, we realize that we have no way to contact the Pope. After all, he went to the SHADE CITY, and I'm told that even a fucking commoner from the Shade City is a CR 13 encounter. Fuck, the Pope might be dead right now.

But before you can say "deus ex machina", the Pope appears in his magical Armchair of Power. He hasn't left the chair in months, and tells us that he was just visiting his friends in the Shade City. Dude actually has FRIENDS in the Shade City; what a baller. Smokey has never met His Holiness, Pope Pontiff Roneillius Popeillius, so I'm beside myself and totally starstruck at finally meeting my distant relative.

However, something is wrong... the Pope suddenly starts being very abrupt with us, demanding that we assemble the Living Room Set of Destiny right now, right here in the streets of Waterdeep, while people walk around us and wonder what the fuck we are doing. He says that the aliens are HERE because we have taken so long to finish our quests, and that now we can rule the world. We spread out the flying carpet, put the chair and the ottoman on it, and the Pope begins laughing and talking about world domination.

>>18280123

We assume that the Chair's power has tainted the Pope, and Alphonse calls the Pope out and tells him to get off the chair. The Pope screams "NEVER!" and takes to the air with the Living Room Set of Destiny.
Extensions magically grow from the chair and start launching Magic Missiles everywhere. Smokey is horrified, everything he knows is now a lie. Alphonse, however, uses his boots of teleportation to teleport right into the Pope's lap, and attacks the Pope himself.


He crits.

He stabs the Pope right in the face, killing him instantly. I am completely grief-stricken and destroyed. Alphonse just killed my great-grandad and nothing makes sense anymore. The Living Room Set of Destiny crashes to the ground. We remove the Pope from the Armchair and the rest of party unanimously decides that I should be the one to sit in it. As I sit in the chair, suddenly I am overwhelmed with an urge to "Rule the world with a microphone and leave the planet in a holocaust."

>>18280213
Does the chair wish you to do that because you can ride a bike without handlebars?

>>18280213
Just then, the Alien Mothership appears over Waterdeep! Turns out the Mothership was the Airship that we wanted to acquire so many sessions ago; it was the Airship that belonged to the Shadowlords!

We all get transported aboard the Mothership, where we see several other Living Room Sets of Destiny, all different colors and upholsteries than our own. There are six other Living Room Sets, and six cloaked figures are seated upon each chair, AND ONE OF THEM IS ARTHUR!

It turns out that the Shadowlords were actually the Time Lords, aliens who wanted to conquer Faerun, and could only do it by assembling six identical Living Room Sets of Destiny. Ever since Arthur left the party, he applied for a job at the Shadowlords and worked his way up the corporate ladder, just as he originally intended. In the time it took for us to get our shit together, he became the leader of the Time Lords, and the HEAD ALIEN.

"And now," Arthur announced, "Smokey shall rule the world with a microphone!"

A microphone swings down from the ceiling, and I prepare for what I'm about to say to the world.

But Alphonse is having none of it. Alphonse announces to the Time Lords that they need to "Merge all the chairs and shit into one! Stack all the rugs, Chairs and Ottomans on top of each other and I'll make them more powerful!"

I agree with Alphonse, and before anyone can react, a bunch of warforged (The Flobots, servants of the Time Lords) emerge from different parts of the Mothership and begin carrying out Alphonse's order. The Time Lords dismount their chairs and stand in a circle around the stacked assembly.

oh boy i love storytiem.

>>18280265
Then, before anyone can react, Alphonse removes a special item from within the folds of his cloak. It is the mother of all weapons. It is none other than the arrow designed to jam a portable hole into a bag of holding. As the Time Lords surround the stacked Living Room Sets of Destiny, Alphonse jams the arrow down into the lowest set.

Almost immediately, a 10' radius black hole opens up and swallows the Chairs, Ottomans, Rugs, Part of the Ship, and most of the Time Lords... as well as Alphonse himself. Arthur was caught on the event horizon of the Black Hole and his last few seconds are spent in bloody, gurgling, agony. CJ, Dr. John, The Rouge Bandit, and I all look on in horror, as a red alert issues on the ship. The Flobots rebel against their masters and begin attacking the remaining Time Lords. Explosions rock through the ship, as the Living Room Sets were the power source of this Mothership.

Now let me just level with you, Smokey was resurrected earlier that morning. In the span of a day, Smokey was resurrected; almost hacked to bits by cows; learned that his brother was dead and father imprisoned; watched his ancestor go insane; watched Alphonse kill said ancestor; learned that he was a time Lord; thirsted for world domination; and then watched Alphonse destroy everything. Worst Day Ever.

The Rouge Bandit grabs me, CJ, and Dr. John and Teleports us as far away as we can get from the failing Mothership. In the distance, we watch in horror as the Mothership plummets into the center of Waterdeep and goes thermonuclear. We are far enough so that we don't get caught in the blast wave, but Waterdeep is completely destroyed.

And then we realized that Alphonse also killed Smokey's dad.

>>18280498
FINAL DEATH TOLL: 1.32 MILLION CITIZENS OF WATERDEEP

And that is the story of how Alphonse saved the world from the Aliens.

Epilogue--
Alphonse opens his eyes to see that he is now in hell.

Rovagug, the god of chaotic evil is there to greet Alphonse's soul in person.

The god holds out a hand to accept Alphonse and says,

"Welcome home, Son."

>>18280577

so is it over?

>>18280637
Yes, let me finish the uploading the audio, and I'll post links for the final four sessions once that is done.

I highly recommend listening to the audio. Sometimes there's a bit of dead air, but sheer amount of awesome will make up for that in spades. Like I said before, we are pioneering roleplaying comedy, and the writeups just can't convey all of the events that happened.

This is one hell of a story man, really makes me want to play some DnD. Thanks for sharin it with us

...Alphonse ;_;

you will come back with more storys right?

>>18280822
Of course. We're three sessions into a campaign I'm DMing right now. I'll definitely get started on the writeups of those sessions as we get a little bit further in.

The campaign is basically a revision of the Swashbuckling Adventures setting (7th Sea) that I've more or less completely retooled. So far the characters are thus:

Jay (the DM of the Armchair campaign) is playing Reef Blastbody, a Gillman Oracle.

Zatch (Alphonse) is playing Noj Fonkin Kuter, a gnome rogue and the bastard son of an Avalonian (English) nobleman.

Ryan (Rouge Bandit/Arthur) is playing Newt Fonkin Kuter, a gnome paladin and the legitimate son of his noble family.

Tim (Zombie-Dad, Dr. John, Uncle Larry) is playing Jason Hummingbird, a half-montaigne, half-avalonian, half-elf gunslinger and son of the pirate Robert the Dread.

CJ (CJ the Grappling Monk) is playing a human knife-fighter and explorer's guild member.

So far things have been pretty damn awesome.

>>18280954

I find it hard to believe that with a group like that, a session can be anything but awesome.

Just got done reading and let me say this was an amazing story. You are everything that is right with dungeons and you are everything that is right with dragons. A true inspiration.

>>18281071
Thanks man, I really appreciate the sentiment. My group deserves most of the credit though, they're goddamn amazing, haha.

Finally, the audio:

1. The Spar in Two Stars
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BzzI7eNfSPUrQzJmZk42TUJTTmVENENCWHpfczNzUQ

2. Turning to Stone, Part 1
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BzzI7eNfSPUrZ19yV3ZWcDBTY3F5VDBxbnRpbG9nUQ

2. Turning to Stone, Part 2
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BzzI7eNfSPUrWld6ZVJJMTlTR1dTX2FMV0NZOVRSUQ

3. I Fought The Law and The Law Won
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BzzI7eNfSPUrUi0xQU13NWdUVUtXOHlvakNieDJBdw

4. The Passion of Alphonse
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZMS1wNjhZVFRSaVdxWkpKX3Z6N0ZFdw

Now I'm gonna go get incredibly drunk. Be back later yo.

bumping for storytiem thread

>>18281218
Storytiem, I have to ask you, what inspired you to chose Dean-o-vision, waaaay back in your first thread?

>>18278643
>HEY SIEGE ITS BEEN EXACTLY ONE YEAR. WHERE IS THAT CHAINSHIRTS PICTURE. YOU PROMISED.

Holy shit it has been one year.

Someone get a hold of Siege and make him finish this!

>>18281734
Some bro anon posted a link to a frame-by-frame reaction image collection of the Iron Giant. I needed an excuse to use it, and the pictures kind of match the tone of what happens in the story.

Oh my god this has just become the best night ever.

Don't know why I didn't catch this thread earlier.

>CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP

That... That was a beautiful campaign.

You should totally take what you did and turn it into a module.

>First time hearing audios.
>Alphonse sounds like Mickey Mouse
>fuckyea.jpeg

Alphonse is everything that is fucking amazing. Holy fucking amazing end that embodied everything chaotic evil.

aw shit, there was a storytime thread...still posting in it! win

I look fondly towards your next visit, Storytiem. Every time I see you posting my day gets miraculously unshitty!

Also, that ending for Alphonse.... that's a great evil ending.

A semi-unrelated question for you, Storytiem; what are those magical paints Alphonse had called? I'm desperately trying to find them right now but can't seem to get past my own derp. Help?

>>18284669
Oh god I completely forget the actual name of the paints. I will start looking as well.

>>18281218
>The Passion of Alphonse

MY SIDES

Some of the most memorable /tg/ characters are from your stories. Fight the good fight, my man.

>>18281218
Are those only for the events in this thread?

>>18284906
Yes.

Our previous audio is located in the other threads, I'll repost the links though.

Our first recorded session:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BzkFXz2p6nJBZDY4YTlmMDQtMGY3Mi00MTBkLTgzNmYtYzlhNWM4NWI3M2Nh

The Grain Train Massacre, Parts 1-5:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZODQ2ZmVmZjQtN2E5Ny00YzQ0LTlkNmEtN2M4ZjcyMDZjNDMz

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZN2FhY2UwODUtMzQyYS00MjE2LWIwNzMtMTZmMzYxNjYxMzg1

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZMTJkYWExNTUtYzdhYS00NGFlLWIyODQtMGI1OTIxMjQwOGMx

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZMDdmZmY0MjAtNmMxNi00MDBhLWFlYWYtMjMzYmVjZTdjNzFm

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZMDA2MzkwNWMtMmQwMi00NWRhLTlkZjQtZDUwYzhkYzUwYjQw

>>18285144
Merci beacoup, jolly lad.

There's two other audio recordings as well, but there's so much background noise you can't hear anything. I've been trying to doctor them but haven't been very successful. The rest of the recordings have turned out great though. It's been a fun exercise in sound engineering, I can tell you that.

>>18288537
Well, I suppose you could make them your long term target, once you get enough experience and skills.

oh my god
i love it
i love this entire thread
i love this entire campaign